Monday, July 1, 2013

Give Me The Morphine


I feel like a sledgehammer and I did what I felt was best for the both of us. 
But. 
But he still is calling and texting, asking me to give him another try, go on vacation with him to Denver like we had planned. 
Just let him chase me. 
"We didn't even have a fair chance with you gone at college all the time and me in trouble for most of it. I'm finally getting clean and we can leave after I get off parole in March. It doesn't have to be Colorado, I will go wherever you have to for school." 
You want to know how I look when he talks? 
Sad. Eyes always cast down, arms folded at my chest. Angled towards leaving. Looking at the door, wanting him to just tell me I can have my dog for the summer.
Wasted money on a ticket for a concert I'm no longer going to.
"Cut your losses" my stepmom said.
He said if nothing changes in the next two days then he is leaving for good from my life.
This time, I know he's serious. 

I feel like there's a scream inside of me, waiting to escape.
It's building like a dull roar and working up to the surface.
Depression is slowly coming back; it waited for a moment like this.
I was eating like a normal person for three or four days and now I hate myself for it.
The self hate talk is back.
I've considered sinking again into my eating disorder even more due to my bones not being as sharp now.
That's because I've been adding muscle tone.
And anyway, it's not like being thinner would make the hurt and the emptiness go away.

So I channel all my painful emotions into bands like these. 
I run. I lift. I ache. 
When I turn this on then I just pour it all out. 
Then I pray. 

I have acknowledged my need for change and I'm saying, God, you promised you would make me what I'm not yet, so do it.
It's easy to revert back to the old way of life and easy to question the new potential way when you face discomfort, I know.

Meanwhile, I feel like I'm going to hurt myself.
Legitimately going to hurt myself.
Whatever is inside trying to fight the changes and feels deep regret for breaking up with him.
It's like there's a war going on inside of me and I'm desperately trying to fight the side that wants to go with the current and go back to him.
He could do the things he said he would.
Things could get better between us.
I still feel like I'm about to tear in half.
All I want to do is drink and cry and tear myself.

Help.
You helped me know what I need to do and I'm looking around for the next step and all I hear is to keep going.
I don't know where I'm supposed to keep going.
So many emotions that I'm not prepared to own.
So many uncomfortable feelings.
Dear Lord, don't let me go back. I can't. I had a reason I left so don't let me forget.

I feel so broken.

14 comments:

  1. <3 <3 <3 <3 I'll send you some super glue, okay? I love you bunches, I'm a text away and I never sleep.

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    Replies
    1. You're always so good to me <3

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  2. Didn't have a chance? But how many years were you with him?

    There's not always a "right" decision when it comes to relationships, but it sounds like you've had one foot out the door for a long time. It is ALWAYS harder to take the road that involves change, and it takes more motivation and conviction than staying where you are. Don't go back because it's less uncomfortable.

    It is VERY alarming to me that he is not respecting your space and not respecting your decision. He is trying to convince you to do something you don't want to. You said "No," and he heard, "Try harder." That is not healthy, it is disrespectful. Don't feed into it.

    I'm so sorry you're going through this... Hang in there, it will get better.

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    1. Four and a half and I guess I didn't realize until you said something that I should be thinking it's wrong. I guess that shows how fucked up things are... it's too much of an emotional situation...

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  3. I love your writing so much. It speaks like words have never been able to do before, to communicate emotions that are only thought about in our own heads.

    Carry on and I hope everything works out. You are strong and know what is best for you. Always remember that. Don't let someone else dictate anything. You are the strong, beautiful one.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks dear. I'm glad you like it and I hope so too..

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  4. Sweetheart, I feel so sad for you. I struggle for words at the best of times, but at the moment all I want to do is give you a massive hug.

    I have to say I agree with Tempest; it's more than a little alarming that he isn't respecting your decision, that he's hearing "try harder" when you've said "no". Don't let him manipulate you, guilt-trip you or otherwise.

    I love you, don't forget <3 xxxx

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    Replies
    1. I could use the hug. This is horrible. So much pain and so much indecision...

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  5. Huggles!
    You can get through this. Breakups are hard and he is making it so much worse by being so persistent.
    I hope you can keep your head through this. Eating normally is your way of taking care of yourself during a trying time, even if it's subconscious. I'm glad you did and I hope you don't keep beating yourself up about it.
    You have my love and my hugs and my hope and happiness <3

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    Replies
    1. I'm trying. The current is strong :(

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  6. Oh honey, why must her make things so difficult for you? Remember though that it's his issue not yours, it's his manipulations and your history that draw you back to him not your feelings, your head, your truth. You know that this is right, hold onto that. I'm sorry that the fallout is making things bad again. When you are feeling low, try looking back on here and remember how much we all love you and are rooting for you. Maybe even read back some of your own posts - remind yourself why this is the right decision. Hang in there xxx

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    Replies
    1. I'm trying to keep going. It's just tough to stay stable and remember bad times when you want good.

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  7. Change is a scary concept, I always think that tomorrow I will be everything I wanted to be and have everything I ever dreamed of, but it never happens.

    /Avy

    http://mymotherfuckedmickjagger.blogspot.com

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  8. Maybe it's because were scared to act on these dreams? <3

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