Saturday, July 13, 2013

Another Nail, Please

"How DO you feel then?"
"Like.... like I want to disappear."
Eyes cast down, defeated.
"That's how children feel."

Intimacy is a strange thing.
Something like a twin to comfort.
I hammered a nail back into my window this week by sleeping with him three times.
It's a personal detail but a little confession here and there does the soul good.
By all means I'm attracted to him, the lines of muscle and hands, lips, and eyes that know me.
Mine know him.
It was comfort, though. I knew it instantly.
When you take something that has been in your life that long and you remove it, it's like some aspect of your fibers revolt.
He has a way with words, how they slip out through teeth and settle somewhere in your mind like a bomb.
I'm easily manipulated, especially when seeing the suffering of another.

I wanted to disappear.
There's no getting out and no going back in.
Hope. I had hope I could open this window.
I did, and I cried.
He called and said he was changing his number.
Then he brought me a shadow box picture he frame he made with small pieces of a love smoldering to ashes.
He said he was going to Denver.
I held on to my resolve and he left.
Freedom and captivity could be twins too, if the cage is big enough.

His eyes were blood shot, holding his stomach, about to vomit.
"Just take the dogs. Don't call anyone."
He had swallowed a bag of a concoction of medicine he had made and had intended to go peacefully.
Not as long as I was there.
I made him throw up. I yelled. I told him he was acting like a child.
Acting in crisis suits me.
When it's not mine.
Then, doing what I do best, I cooked him some chicken and corn on the cob and forced him to eat before going for a beer at my friends.
Text messages apologizing, adorizing, mind fucking.
I was afraid he would die in his sleep so I stayed over, not before he conned another time of sleeping with me out of the mix.
I felt no emotion.
In fact, I was so hurt by his behavior that I made sure I conditioned myself to be unhappy and not want it and begin to get rid of the love and care and let the anger seep between my cracking emotional foundation.
Crazy. That's what all this is.

Yesterday he came to my work bringing flowers and a Propel to drink.
I said I would stop by after work.
It's amazing to me, every time, how comfort and the fear of freedom bring you back over and over again.
One of my dermal has been working to the surface and so I trusted him to let him cut it out.
So sweet, gently using the razor blade to cut the skin that grows through the jewelry holes.
Tenderly he did it even.

Then I lied about going to L's brother's with him.
I'm in love with L and can't scrape off Tony. .I don't understand it and I can't understand myself or trace my behavior backwards.
I just know that L is healthy for me and loves unconditionally.
The cycle Tony has me in isn't.
There had to be some spot reserved in hell for people like me, emotional soul suckers.
Insecure little girls that can't do the right thing, tearing pieces of the hearts of others to repair the holes in theirs.
He went to my dad's and saw I wasn't there.
He saw I parked my car around back at mom's.
I pride myself on my honesty, except with Tony.
It hasn't been a relationship that facilitates it.
Four and a half years of unhealthiness.
On a good day I find myself ugly, but with him, I've seen my utmost capacity for ugliness.
Believe me, you can stretch further than you think.

He never had a Facebook until now.
Today, actually.
Said he called my mom to see if I'm talking my family things and involving them in my lies.
Told her he was sorry for some things and for some things he's done to me.
He said he's going to beat up L or go and talk to him.
Single or trying, he forbade me from seeing him.
Says people can watch what I'm doing since we live in a small city.
I feel a little bit nervous and I feel very trapped in these emotions.
I never knew that day when we met that we would be where we are now or that I was involved with someone like this.
I never knew I would become a serial cheater (not sleeping with them, flirting/kissing), say the things I've said, demand the things I have.
I never knew and God, I'm so sorry.

Friends say that he's done things to me too much but I'm me and I can only be the best me I can.
I need to have good character and I haven't.
I feel so ugly.
I feel so trapped.
I don't understand why some of me wants to stay and most wants to go.
I just try to ask forgiveness for my daily mess ups and revolt against this ugly inside.
I want to throw out this bucket of nails.


  1. Controlling who you are allowed to have relationships with is unhealthy.

    Controlling who you are allowed to have relationships with is abuse.

    I'm trying not to caps-yell here... This man is threatening violence against someone you are interested in even though you are no longer involved. He is trying to control your actions and is threatening to have you watched to make you comply.

    I don't doubt that Tony is hurting too, and that both of you have intensely complicated feelings about the relationship. But when someone who is trying to manipulate you says they've overdosed, you need to send him away with the paramedics, not stay to nurse him back to health. He wanted attention and he got it.

    You cannot be the one to comfort him about the end of your relationship. It keeps both of you in this grey haze. In Tony's mind, you are still his, and you going back to him confirms that. Staying in this limbo will destroy you.

  2. His threats make me very concerned sweetie, his trying to control who you see and what you do. Trying to manipulate you by overdosing, then abusing your fear to sleep with you, is too fucked up for words. He's getting exactly what he wants, and hurting you the whole time.

    No matter how much he hurts you, there will always be that small part of you that wants to stay. The only way to get past it is to take a leap of faith, and put your trust in the part of you that knows you need to leave. I worry that if you go back to Tony, his manipulations and abuse will continue and escalate. You know it's unhealthy, and it'll only get unhealthier.

    You're in my thoughts love. Please try to keep yourself safe *hugs* <3

    1. I guess I wasn't scared when we slept together, it was just that I have some residual feelings for him and it doesn't help the situation by having sex.
      He is just freaking out so much about us breaking up and fucking emotional and calling me. It's awful!

  3. Thanks for the reply. I don't want to get too harsh but the situations you're describing really worry me, and I know I'm not the only one. I read a lot of blogs but don't comment often... doesn't bother me when other people do the same :) Take care, Eve.

  4. There has to be a way to get out of this. What can he do to you if you don't let him near you? If he could and would hurt you, I think it would be a good idea to get others involved. You deserve L's love, not Tony's manipulation.

    1. He won't hurt me but he's more verbally and emotionally abusive than anything and that's what is too much. I'm doing my best to get out. I put my foot down for real.

  5. You need to get other people in your life involved, let them help you and protect you, because Tony's actions are completely unacceptable and extremely unhealthy for both of you. Just because things are 'bad' at the moment and you may have done 'bad' things it doesn't make you a 'bad' person. And regardless, no one deserves to be treated the way you are being at the moment. Look back at the posts you've written about your time with L and remind yourself how much better things can be. I know you know it, but you need to let this relationship go, because it will destroy you. Stay strong sweetie, thinking of you xxx

    1. I try to. There is a reason I left and despite a lot of good, it's unhealthy and bad. I'm trying to be strong and little by little every day I am but it's still hard and him hurting is a weakness of mine.

  6. I wish you the best, but don't let yourself feel trapped or caged! This can be so hard in a relationship because you want things to work, but then at the same time you want freedom to do what you want!

    Or at least that is myself. This weekend my boy toy took me to Kennywood and well, I ruined the whole entire day by throwing a fit because I didn't get my own way! Looking back I would take everything back and not ruin my Kennywood day.

    Stay strong and stand up for yourself!

    1. Sometimes it's hard when you want something and relationships are about sacrifice. This one just needs to be over. I love him hut we aren't compatible.

  7. This on is... my heart breaks for you here. I wish I had time to really concentrate on this and write a solution after few cups of coffee but I'm running late from work. Anyway that guy is acting really childish but it looks to me that he's scared. Like he would take your actions as a manifest of trust flying out of the window and like you would leave from the door telling everyone the secrets of his inner bits that he tries to hide so hard.

    Eve, hang in there. Be strong and finish what you started. <3

    1. I know he is... I try to be gentle because I know this is scary. It's scary for me too. I feel like you just captured the exact thing. It's like what I'm doing is taking everything and shattering it. That's not what I'm doing at all! I'm trying to. :(