Wednesday, July 24, 2013

A New Foundation

In the dim darkness I took off my shirt.
My skin lay naked in the moonlight trying to pry through the  closed blinds.
It's been something I've always been uncomfortable with since my abuse.
I had to do it.
I lay there looking up at him.
No hands rushed to grab and tear at me, hungry for what I could offer.
Instead of lusting fingers I found a soft kiss on my lips.
Here we are, dressed in nothing more than hopes and unhidden adoration.
We haven't slept together, but then again, just twining fingers communicates and bonds deeper than I have with anyone else.

He is everything to me.
I don't know why I've waited until I was 22 when I've had my "one" since I was 16 but God's timing is perfect.
Life has more hope when you make your own strong choices.
Tony still calls. And texts. And pleads.
Every day I fight to not be mean and cold. I was everything to him.
He's apologized for being abusive and for this or that.
Said I'm a bitch and I spread like butter.
Tears. Apologies.
Some mornings I wonder if I chose to do the right thing.
"Please God, it's hard right now, so could You maybe remind me I'm making the right choice?"
I looked at my phone to find this:

"I always seem to struggle with communicating just how much you mean to me. It's often tempting to resort to using old sappy cliches to flatter you, but I feel like that's basically what Tony does, and I know I can do better than that. And I know I compliment (and tease) you a lot, and I'm glad you appreciate it when I say you're cute, beautiful, and sexy. And I mean those things because you are. To me, you are like living art. When I see those vibrant eyes of yours or the gentle curves of your body when we're lying in bed together, I truly believe I'm looking at one of God's greatest masterpieces. But when I compliment you a lot about your appearance, I start to get concerned that you'll think that I'm just in love with your body and not you. But I really do love you: everything about you."

My ED is rearing its head again and it's clawing.
I have a few free sessions with a trainer at my gym.
The only payment?
Cinnamon rolls.
He liked my cookies too. :)
Small blessings to help me up.
It's time. To have the things I need and deserve, I have to be the person I deserve to be.
I gained two pounds from my period coming and water retention from lifting heavy and all I want to do is claw out of this skin.
Some purging.
The urge to do anything to get it out.
It's so hard to go upstream.
Why am I doing this? I wonder some days.
I'm playing with the idea of going to a few counseling sessions as well to help me combat this.
There's a small fire in me and I've never been so nervous and so at peace in my life.

I rouse from my sleep to find he is giving me a kiss and then pulls me close.
Legs intertwine.
"I love you," he whispers in my ear.
Groggily, but with a smile tinkling on these words, "I love you too," escapes before my eyes close.

"So I say it's worth it, to build a new foundation." -"Vacancy" by As I Lay Dying


  1. Breaking up with Tony was the right thing to do. The proof in the pudding is the way he's been treating you post-breakup.

    I love that text message. So beautiful.

    It mightn't be a bad idea to consider some counseling sessions. I'd hate to think of you coming so far, yet slipping back because the inner demons haven't been dealt with.

    And I love that you pay your personal trainer in baked goods! Brilliant.

    Take care Eve my dear <3 xx

    1. Yes, exactly. I am so ready to be off his grid with all his insults and crying.
      He really is too good to me. :)
      I know! It's seriously the best therapy, lifting I mean. <3

  2. Your new guy sounds so sweet!! He's a keeper for sure.
    Personally, I think the nicest thing to do for Tony is to never talk to him. It'll hurt, but in the end it'll take less time to get over, and he'll be able to blame you instead of himself (that always helps).
    I was in a (not very) similar situation where this guy and I were just not working and we kept talking, trying to make things better. The only way I could end it was to just ignore him, otherwise he would keep begging and the soft side of me would give in. I told him I wasn't going to talk to him ever again and that was it.

    1. I think you're right. I keep trying to save face but it isn't going to happen because the break up wasn't mutual. I just wish he'd let me have my dog...

  3. I'm glad that Tony is gone now, but I know it takes time to adjust it and stay strong and leave those heart broken messages alone. I wish you get more of those other kinds now, that was just beautiful. A piece of art work, he's right Eve, you are a piece of art work.

    and omg, a trainer doing job only for cinnamon rolls, I'm jealous. That's too good to be true ;D

    Love you <3 <3, Don't let the ED crawl too high up on your back. You're just fine now, it wants to ruin it and I wish you won't let it. <3

    1. I liked the way you described it: heart broken messages. It's hard to because despite wanting to leave, five years did mean something to me.
      Yep! He knows I have an ED and I think he's trying to give me a leg up. I told him I was serious about weight training. I just feel bad it's free.

      The good thing us that he knows and is willing to support me however.
      <3 love u girl,