The heart asks pleasure first,
And then, excuse from pain;
And then, those little anodynes
That deaden suffering,
And then, to go to sleep;
And then, if it should be
The will of its Inquisitor,
The liberty to die.
"We'll stay together over the summer. I won't sleep with anyone. Can you handle not sleeping with anyone?"
I can smell him, nose pressed into his shoulder as he hold me in his arms.
The kind of smile that comes from a happy illusion playing at my lips.
And for some reason he thinks I'm not the trustable one. Ha.
There was something he said after about us just picking up where we left off when he gets back in August.
I can't help it; I want so badly to believe that he won't have summer flings.
I want so badly to believe he can be a man of integrity.
It's probably because he isn't that I care for him so.
Or because he's like me, so similar as though a piece of him came from my own soul.
I stay busy putting my things away into my room, officially getting moved in with my best friend.
I take my final. Easy.
Then hurry back home.
I see my mom and relief floods through me.
I see a good friend and smoke cigarettes, vowing to quit.
My friend's boyfriend commented on how I've changed.
More self-assured he said, confident.
As though I had taken a step back from things and was observing them from a distance in order to act.
Felt good that someone had noticed a transformation.
Was I proud of myself?
There's only so much cognitive-behavioral therapy you can practice on yourself.
It also doesn't help that the catalyst for my growth has gone and I realized that I had spent most of those days we shared trying to prove I could be better.
He's gone now.
I'm realizing that although the work I do for and with others is important, meaningful, and a blessing that they allow me into the more darker parts of their lives, I'm becoming burn out by the lack of expelling all of my brooding energy.
It seems like when you're becoming a counselor or are at least the nurturing type people find you.
I'm happy to listen. Always.
Break downs happen though.
It's time to work on myself.
Let things fall into place.
Believe in the beauty of life as it is.
I have been blogging for a little over a year now and in that time I have had the pleasure of meeting some fantastic people, some of which have become great friends, though we've never actually met.
That changed this weekend.
Lilli (http://more-than-the-weekend.blogspot.com/) came to visit me and I was greeted with the biggest hug I've gotten in a long time.
Sadly, I had to work a little during her time here, but we ate two human's worth of BBQ each at Famous Dave's, talked, perused the thrift stores (she's amazing at finding dresses, you should take her with you, also, my ring she bought for me is beautiful!), and visited one of my college friends where she acted as adjunct cat whisperer.
We talked for hours, laughed a ton, and chain smoked peach Swisher Sweets while my friend and I rapped Eminem to her.
I sincerely needed that because I've been so down lately.
She's an absolute sweetheart, although my loud voice was constantly saying, "HUH!?" to her quiet one and my 5'8'' towers over her, what? 5'2''? :D
It was restful, it was rainy (you survived the tornado!), and it was "interesting" as she'll say. :P
Blogging has been a great place to vent, get feedback, and meet some great people and I hope everyone is as fortunate and as blessed to make such awesome friends as I have here.
She handled my overwhelming personality well and balanced my nonstop energy.
Girl, I love you and I'm so glad you visited!