Friday, July 25, 2014

Water With Poison

Over and over I hear people talk about recovery and that it's the mental aspect that's the hardest to reconcile with.
Accepting self, accepting what happened, weight gain, change how you perceive yourself, 
Blah blah blah. 
I believe that, but you know what's really been the hardest for me? Getting rid of toxic people.
Valuing myself enough to get rid of these kinds of people. 

"She's not your friend." 
How many times had he said this to me? 
I felt a little indignant and rushed to defend my friend. 
He didn't know her like I did, this is just how she acts when she's upset, I just have to ride it out. 

"You're a selfish, self-righteous cunt!" she screamed at me. 
Am I? No, I didn't think I was.... tears were pooling and I had to walk away before I said something I would regret. 
"You're right. She's not my friend." The "I told you so" said for him. 

She had always been opinionated, ever since we had met. 
Always been there for me during all the hard times. 
When I moved in for the summer I thought it would be fun to live with one of my best friends. 
At first it was awesome. We would go to the gym or spend time doing things together, I would come to her for advice or to listen when I was upset.
Store runs, ice cream runs, craft days, and bad TV marathons. 
It was the beginning of summer and nothing seems impossible or terrible when the air is warm and everything is alive.
It only took a few weeks for things to begin their steady decline. 
She began her new job as a caseworker at the prison, I was talking on the phone too loudly at night and she had to be up early for training. 
Wanted me to help her lose weight for her trip to the beach with her boyfriend in August, but I had gone by myself since she worked while I was home and I worked while she was home. 
Her comments becoming harsher and harsher, her complaints becoming pettier and pettier.

"Take out the trash." 
I was going to...
"Your dish is in the sink." 
I was letting it sit to make it easier to wash...
"You have a book and blanket sitting out in the basement living room. We (her boyfriend and her) feel like we don't have a space of our own because you have stuff everywhere." 
Your stuff is LITERALLY everywhere in the house and I have one thing here and there.
"You're going on another vacation?"  
Yes, it's the first time in a long time that I've seen my uncle and cousin, oh, and I have a long distance relationship until school so I want to see him again. 
"It's good you're working every day of the week because you've been gone too much." 
I don't mind the work I'm just tired. 
"I asked you to work out with me but all you care about is yourself."
You were at work when I wasn't! I gave you tips and ways to modify your diet but you didn't take any of it into consideration! 
"You shouldn't be going on another trip to see your boyfriend because you'll be spending money that you don't have." 
You can fuck off. My money. My relationship. 
"You don't have a real job."
I think the work I do is meaningful and provides skills I can use when I'm a licensed therapist. I don't have a career because I need a masters to have my chosen career. Only two and a half more years. 
"Part of being an adult is cleaning up and not sleeping in my boyfriend's bed."
He said I could! My family is moving my bed up when I move the first weekend of August. He sleeps with you. He told me he doesn't mind! 
"You're a selfish, self-righteous cunt who only thinks about themselves." 
You only said  that because I didn't bend over backwards to make you happy. You know why? YOU'RE NEVER HAPPY!
"Your boyfriend needs to be okay with me. He doesn't even care if I like him or not." 
You're right, he could give a fuck less if you like him or not because he hates you and he thinks you treat me like shit. How you feel really doesn't matter to me either in this matter. I'm happy. 
"You do whatever you want." 
Yah, because I'm an adult. 

Back and forth and back and forth. One day can be great and the next she's shouting that I'm a whore. 
She says terrible things to me and pretends it's all okay the next day. 
I just want to be friends but I'm constantly whiplashed by these things that she says 
Finally I realized that my boyfriend was right. 
She isn't a good person. 
That is so hard for me because I want to believe that everyone is but she has pushed me to the point where I cry after our fights and doubt myself. 
That's not a friend.  
What makes me feel most upset is the fact that I allowed myself to be treated this way. 
If I valued myself then no one would speak to me or treat me the way that they do.

I hate her right now. I hate her for the way she talks to me, the way she makes me feel, the way nothing is good enough, but most of all, I hate the way I LET her treat me. 
Here's what's hard, letting people go that are not good for me. 
Call it hope, seeing the best in people, whatever, it's wrong. 
Everyone is worth something. Everyone is worth respect. Don't forget that you are too. 
Don't be abusive and don't allow others to be in your life that are as well.
When we establish some boundaries and maybe make amends she can be back in my life, but not until then.
Respect is earned. 
You can't grow if you're being watered with poison.  

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Romance Era

"I've told you this before, but you're like a Romantic piece - like Brahms.  Music was perfected in the Classical Era.  Baroque before that was too mathematical, and was so beautiful but was just a little too boring because everything was expected."

"I like Brahms."
"You know where Mozart was going at every turn, because he did it "perfect", harmonies in 4ths and 5ths. Then people started to play with things, harmonize in thirds and do different things with the tempo being much faster. This was the classical Era.  After that, Chopin and Brahms and Beethoven brought in the Romantic Era which rejected that perfection, and just played what was beautiful.  Sometimes it doesn't make sense really "why" it's beautiful. Chopin's Nocturnes are very weird and syncopated and atonal and chromatic, but it' s beautiful because of the cadence.  Beethoven was the master of harmonies and Brahms takes one melodic line like in "lullaby" and makes you focus on only that - no orchestra, just a single, beautiful melody.  Very much more intimate than classical.  Not "perfect", but so real and powerful and raw.  Does this make sense?"
I don't think there is really any better compliment than being compared to a Brahms piece.  You know how to kill me and make me feel beautiful."
"Like not a barbie doll. You're the guy Ken cheats on Barbie with.  Because you're so much more alive and interesting and beautiful.  And beautiful not in a boring and stereotypical and expected way."

I wrote an entry on the fourteenth of October saying that I think I could fall in love with him.
Then there were ones following that had the angst of fights, break ups and reconnections, changing colleges and starting a new program, uncertainty, fear, memories, and joy.
We all have our stories, mine included, but I never thought that mine was going to get this good and I'm not even at the end.
I'm in love.
I'm happy.
I have two great jobs that I can get by on.
I'm getting my masters.
I have some very good friends and some very supportive family members.
I'm successfully in recovery from anorexia.
I'm successfully in a romantic relationship after abuse.
I signed my first lease today.
There is always hope.
Sometimes I didn't think there was going to be a better way but I was really scared.
Sometimes I still get that twinge of sadness when my father and I text because there's no substance to it.
Sometimes I'm scared I'm going to fail or mess this up.
Making choices that could affect your life can be such a terrifying thing because what if it's wrong?
What if I have to put myself out there and I fail or someone doesn't return the same feelings?
I hit this milestone finally where I was no longer afraid to shed my childhood and my terrible experiences because this is infinitely better.
Sometimes we just need a push.
I want to write soon, write about the changes and the thoughts but I don't know how, only that I want to write.
For now, here is this beautiful compliment which was the result of taking a chance on the what if.
My Romance Era, if you will, where I'm learning that it's okay to take a chance life.