Friday, July 25, 2014

Water With Poison

Over and over I hear people talk about recovery and that it's the mental aspect that's the hardest to reconcile with.
Accepting self, accepting what happened, weight gain, change how you perceive yourself, 
Blah blah blah. 
I believe that, but you know what's really been the hardest for me? Getting rid of toxic people.
Valuing myself enough to get rid of these kinds of people. 

"She's not your friend." 
How many times had he said this to me? 
I felt a little indignant and rushed to defend my friend. 
He didn't know her like I did, this is just how she acts when she's upset, I just have to ride it out. 

"You're a selfish, self-righteous cunt!" she screamed at me. 
Am I? No, I didn't think I was.... tears were pooling and I had to walk away before I said something I would regret. 
"You're right. She's not my friend." The "I told you so" said for him. 

She had always been opinionated, ever since we had met. 
Always been there for me during all the hard times. 
When I moved in for the summer I thought it would be fun to live with one of my best friends. 
At first it was awesome. We would go to the gym or spend time doing things together, I would come to her for advice or to listen when I was upset.
Store runs, ice cream runs, craft days, and bad TV marathons. 
It was the beginning of summer and nothing seems impossible or terrible when the air is warm and everything is alive.
It only took a few weeks for things to begin their steady decline. 
She began her new job as a caseworker at the prison, I was talking on the phone too loudly at night and she had to be up early for training. 
Wanted me to help her lose weight for her trip to the beach with her boyfriend in August, but I had gone by myself since she worked while I was home and I worked while she was home. 
Her comments becoming harsher and harsher, her complaints becoming pettier and pettier.

"Take out the trash." 
I was going to...
"Your dish is in the sink." 
I was letting it sit to make it easier to wash...
"You have a book and blanket sitting out in the basement living room. We (her boyfriend and her) feel like we don't have a space of our own because you have stuff everywhere." 
Your stuff is LITERALLY everywhere in the house and I have one thing here and there.
"You're going on another vacation?"  
Yes, it's the first time in a long time that I've seen my uncle and cousin, oh, and I have a long distance relationship until school so I want to see him again. 
"It's good you're working every day of the week because you've been gone too much." 
I don't mind the work I'm just tired. 
"I asked you to work out with me but all you care about is yourself."
You were at work when I wasn't! I gave you tips and ways to modify your diet but you didn't take any of it into consideration! 
"You shouldn't be going on another trip to see your boyfriend because you'll be spending money that you don't have." 
You can fuck off. My money. My relationship. 
"You don't have a real job."
I think the work I do is meaningful and provides skills I can use when I'm a licensed therapist. I don't have a career because I need a masters to have my chosen career. Only two and a half more years. 
"Part of being an adult is cleaning up and not sleeping in my boyfriend's bed."
He said I could! My family is moving my bed up when I move the first weekend of August. He sleeps with you. He told me he doesn't mind! 
"You're a selfish, self-righteous cunt who only thinks about themselves." 
You only said  that because I didn't bend over backwards to make you happy. You know why? YOU'RE NEVER HAPPY!
"Your boyfriend needs to be okay with me. He doesn't even care if I like him or not." 
You're right, he could give a fuck less if you like him or not because he hates you and he thinks you treat me like shit. How you feel really doesn't matter to me either in this matter. I'm happy. 
"You do whatever you want." 
Yah, because I'm an adult. 

Back and forth and back and forth. One day can be great and the next she's shouting that I'm a whore. 
She says terrible things to me and pretends it's all okay the next day. 
I just want to be friends but I'm constantly whiplashed by these things that she says 
Finally I realized that my boyfriend was right. 
She isn't a good person. 
That is so hard for me because I want to believe that everyone is but she has pushed me to the point where I cry after our fights and doubt myself. 
That's not a friend.  
What makes me feel most upset is the fact that I allowed myself to be treated this way. 
If I valued myself then no one would speak to me or treat me the way that they do.

I hate her right now. I hate her for the way she talks to me, the way she makes me feel, the way nothing is good enough, but most of all, I hate the way I LET her treat me. 
Here's what's hard, letting people go that are not good for me. 
Call it hope, seeing the best in people, whatever, it's wrong. 
Everyone is worth something. Everyone is worth respect. Don't forget that you are too. 
Don't be abusive and don't allow others to be in your life that are as well.
When we establish some boundaries and maybe make amends she can be back in my life, but not until then.
Respect is earned. 
You can't grow if you're being watered with poison.  


  1. My dearest girl... I'm so, so, so happy I have found such a beautiful friend in you. And I'm very proud you wrote of this, I understand the depth with which these kinds of "letting go" feels like. You go through much of your childhood believing that having an infinite amount of friends is what it is ALL about. Tis not true and we don't always come to the realization til we are older and wiser. I would rather have few friends who are true to me and to themselves than to have people just have them... Especially their drama and poison. You wrote this so beautifully even tho it's not such a beautiful situation. You are wonderful, don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Okay I'm done being mushy, love you bitch :)

  2. You're boyfriend is right, she's not a friend. She's taking out her own issues on you with poor communication which usually destroys all relationships. You know, the way she nags and makes reasons to nag out of things that really don't matter. She's not aware of what she's really upset about, or she's trying to suppress it by looking for something else to be mad about and someone else to be mad at. She doesn't mean any of those things, but that still doesn't change it that she's not being too friendly to you. That's not ok. Friend is the one you go for support and don't want to hurt her, she's hurting you... in a sneaky way that will hunt you for a long time if you stay there. You're not any of those things she said, you deserve better than to go up and down like that. But it's hard because in the end, you like that person and share a lot of good with her too. But there's not such a amount of good that it would suck the poison out... it's like walking in the middle of rose, the stings are always going to be there, as painful as they are, no matter how sweet the smell is.

    Hugs honey, love you so much and want to see your smile :)

  3. If those are all actual quotes from her, then she needs to be gone out of your life like yesterday. She sounds like she exhibits passive-aggressive personality disorder. She sounds straight out of the book. Wow.

  4. One thing I can't handle is somebody trying to walk on me. I don't care who it is, mother, brother, best friend....not happening. I've had to let a few people in my life know, and one or two I've had to let go of, same as you. I get it. Standing up for yourself is a healthy habit. You do deserve respect, demand it.

  5. I hope you know that you don't deserve to be called such awful names. Reading this makes my heart hurt for you. I'm sorry you went through all of this and that you were treated in such a degrading way. I feel it's best to surround yourself with people who support you, value you, and who appreciate you.


  6. I'm sorry to hear things fell apart with your friend, she had no right to treat you that way. Some of those quotes are really nasty. There are so many better-for-you friends out there. Letting go of toxic people's something I need to work on too; I have a bad habit of trying to hold onto everyone and everything even if they hurt me.

    "What makes me feel most upset is the fact that I allowed myself to be treated this way."
    This isn't a downfall on your part, in my opinion. When I read this post I see your friend as manipulative and bordering on abusive. We never ask for people to treat us or speak to us in such hurtful ways. They wind their way in to our minds and hearts and dig in their heels, and it's never as easy as saying "hey, that's not cool" when treated like crap, whether they're a friend or partner or family or otherwise. Just try not to beat yourself up too much for a situation that isn't your fault. Just some food for thought I guess :)

    Lots of love and hugs to you sweetie. Keep soldiering on <3 xx

  7. I "deleted" a few people from my life recently. It's hard to do but it's like dead-heading a rose bush. You'll feel better for it.

  8. Those people have a way of getting under your skin, they change the way you think and behave and you don't even notice it before it's too late. If you saw them in that light the first time you met them you never be friends with them.


  9. Woah, geez, she sounds abusive. Am I understanding correctly that you live with her? How are you going to avoid her?

  10. Out of curiosity where are you getting your masters?

  11. Personally I'm scared for the prisoners she'll be working with. Sounds completely unhinged.

    1. We've since made up but she has some bad OCD and anxiety along with dealing with the past of her abusive father. It's not a food deal.