Sunday, July 7, 2013

Windows

"You're like a bird that keeps hitting a window."
I was propped up on my arms, staring out at the lake, the Molly taking effect.
"It's true. That, and I have attachment issues."

I panicked.
He called me and said that if I didn't make my absolute choice (which I've been asked to do fifty million times anyway) that he was just going to stay in Denver.
For someone that's going to have their degree in Psychology in December you would think I could get to the root of this.
I struggle beyond words with letting people out of my life.
It doesn't matter if they're toxic.
It doesn't matter if it wasn't my fault.
It doesn't matter if it's better for me that way.
He asked and begged too many times and now my resolve has holes.
Help.

I laid on my stomach on the towel smoking a Swisher.
Sunshine on my back, her boyfriend asking me about my tattoos.
I never smoke.
Only when I'm being a bird, perpetually hitting the window.

It's a different kind of high.
Calm.
Not intense, just euphoric.
Sort of floating.
The wind felt good on my skin and I think for the first time I felt aware of my body in a good way.
I wanted to stay in my bikini forever.
It was as though my skin was a silk sash on the breeze.
Clean air.
Softness.
Reality.
It was there, just plain.
I would melt if I could, maybe fade away.

Sometimes, well, all the time we're messes.
We're all floundering around, having our own struggles.
Humanity.
Perpetual and endless.
Somehow we interlock existences, paining each other and making it worthwhile in other instances.

"I think you'll do it, I'm just afraid it'll be too late for you and L and he'll leave."
Me too.
He said he wouldn't.
That doesn't mean you can take forever.
I feel trapped and powerless anymore.
Somehow two people fell in love with me.
I was worth it and beautiful in some way and yet I don't feel like either of those things.
I just want to peel these emotions off like old skin.
Start over.
I deviated from the plan again, God.
Comfort got the upper hand today.
Still shocked that I did that.
I'm sure more than a few of you are face palming me.

It just felt good to walk, feeling my eyes dilating as another wave of high came.
Summer evenings could have me forever. I would slip between petals of flowers and remember that flying isn't a sedentary hope.
Open me up.
I'm just as curious to see what's inside.

I'm tired of hitting windows.

22 comments:

  1. And that's sometimes, is the sole reason on why we live. :)

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  2. The problem isn't hitting windows, it's how we react to doing so. I, personally, would fear never hitting a window again, it would mean I've stopped learning. A bird only learns to fly straight after hitting a few windows.

    Great writing.

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    1. Super great point. I guess we should be upset if we AREN'T hitting a few. Thanks for the reminder :)

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  3. I'm tired of hitting windows too, I think we all are.

    I love your writing, it's amazing.

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  4. I'm fed up with hitting windows too bb<3

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    1. No matter what, you have to keep flying!

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  5. I feel more like a moth tapping at a lamp, going mindlessly towards the bright without realizing the heat.
    Sometimes you can't see the window, you just see what's on the other side.
    As Fiona Apple (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8q5MbvL_iY) would say, maybe that window just needs to be broken so you can fly.

    I've been reading for a while but here's my blog:
    http://eatnomore.blogspot.com/

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    1. Maybe I should. :) good metaphors.
      You must have had Google+ so I couldn't check yours out. I'll be sure to now!

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  6. I never tire of your writing. Every time I read one of your posts, your way with words is exquisitely beautiful.

    I can relate to the feeling of hitting windows. I read a quote once (I've actually got it as my Facebook cover photo) which I thought might be apt to comment here: 'Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.' Pema Chodron.

    One day, that window will open, and you'll be free to fly again for a while. <3

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! It's the only way I can express my emotions.
      I absolutely love this quote. I needed it. Thanks love.

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    2. I know what you mean - do you struggle to talk? I do, and that is why I write.

      Glad you love the quote! I find that sometimes quotes hit me, (in a good way) so thought it might stop you hitting another window!
      X

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  7. Hi hun,

    Just read through your last few blog posts. You're so strong, and I envy this beautiful freedom that you've found. You're finally in a good place. Just hold on to it and it will carry you to happiness. I know it will, and you deserve it.
    Love xx

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    1. I don't feel very free at all right now :( you're the sweetest for checking on me and I wish you too me to Singapore with you lovely. <3

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  8. Hitting windows makes you stronger, and as said above, it helps you learn.
    If you stop learning, then you should be afraid. The answer will come to you, I believe. Just breathe. Xx

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  9. I'm thinking as long as you aren't hitting the SAME window over and over again that you are making some progress.

    Hang in there babe, you'll figure it out and eventually it will all come together.

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    1. Ugh, it is... I'm going to open the fucking window even if it kills me!

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  10. You have some serious introspection here in your writing Eve. I love this. Here's to hoping that the window opens...

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    1. Thank you :) it's good for the soul. I keep trying to open it!

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