Friday, July 5, 2013

Relapse. Restore. Reborn.


He was going to propose to me this weekend, had we been together and had I gone on vacation with him. 
Wrap your mind around that. 
I can't. Not yet. 
Someone wanted to spend the rest of their life with me.
I'm at the age where this is no longer something you just talk about with your friends, giggling at a sleepover. 
It's something you long for. 
He kept telling me this was out of the blue and so fast and it's like I had either been thinking about it for a long time or it was a spur of the moment deal. 
It felt spur of the moment. One night I just came home and said we're done. 
I know that many of you don't believe in God and I know I talk about Him a lot these days, but knowing I dodged this bullet makes me all the more grateful that we aren't alone in this life if we don't want to be. 

Life is changing for me. 
I know there are several of you who have been with me from post one to this point and I can only hope that you've seen a change in my heart and life. 
Stagnation scares me. 
So let's look back. 

This is a picture of me at Methone in Greece. One of the girls on the trip took it of me and I didn't know. 
I would have to say this is a defining moment in my life, immortalized. 
You see, when I started college it was with both my parents. Things had always been rocky as I've said before.
Dad was controlling, mom was manic depressive and suicidal and very, very insecure. 
People pleasers, she and I. 
Constant fighting, constant manipulation, emotions were too much. 
I came to college thinking I had escaped that old life. 
My sophomore year of college was one of the absolute worse, by far. 
My mom tried to commit suicide on Christmas day, Tony was using every day, my parents were burning the last bridges of hope in their relationship, and I was just somewhere in the middle. 
Alone. 
By spring semester I was beyond depressed. I would come home from my night job at 4 am and then would watch the sun come up. 
I don't really know what I would do. Dream of leaving. (I had always wanted to go to Greece.) 
Sometimes I would cry. 
Watch Netflix.
Surf the internet. 
Then I would go to bed and skip class. How I passed with B's, I don't know. There were a few C's but I'm surprised I didn't tank myself more. 
My junior year we were supposed to go to a study abroad fair in the student union for extra credit if we checked out my TA's Spain booth. 
I don't know why, but I stopped by the Greece one. 
On a whim I signed up. 
My teacher said it was full but did I want to be on the list in case and I thought it couldn't hurt. 
There was part of me that felt like I might as well not because no one gives up a trip to Greece so easily. 
I felt a nudge in my heart so I sent the email saying yes. 
Within five minutes he said someone backed out. I was in. 
From there, it was a series of blessings. 
Someone I barely knew gave me the $500 fee I didn't have with the requirement that I help someone else in need someday. 
I raised over $2000 and my friend loaned me the remaining money with what she received from going to Afghanistan. She never had me pay back $1200 because she felt she was doing fine and wanted to bless me with that gift. 
When the picture was taken I was thanking God because quite honestly, I didn't feel like I had control over anything in my life and nothing good would come from it. 
Trust is a tough thing to learn. 
I heard a still, small voice say that everything would be okay. I can't explain it without sounding crazy. You just know it's God. 
I made terrible choices over the summer and thought, yah, right. Everything is a mess. 
Went to school, cycled the usual self-hate, making a relationship work that didn't, and felt the nothingness creep over me. 
Relapse. 
Restore. 
Reborn. 

I never thought I would break up with Tony. It was always something I just talked about and never believed I would do it. 
It will ache sometimes, but it's as though I haven't been taking a breath in years and now I am. 
I was so hollow. I just can't put it into words. 
It leaves me sitting in this chair so in awe that I was such a shell.
A lot of you feel it now. 
It's terrible, that nothingness. 
Long nights and aching hunger you'll never satisfy. 
For life, for food, for love. 
I was so scared to take a step. Terrified. 
It's like there was nothing and I was nothing and it was all so pointless and empty, but I had to keep going because there was a void I had to desperately try and fill. 
God watched me shuffle around the rooms of my heart moving stuff and He offered to help me get rid of things and offered to do things and I just kept telling Him no. 
"I love You, but I don't need your help right now." 
I moved things around threw things and experiences away to the extent that all I had left was a mattress on the floor and a light bulb hanging from the ceiling. 
I always thought I would end up married to Tony because, well, time had elapsed and I was accepting that wherever I went in my life it would be hard and it would hurt.
Sometimes, as much as it doesn't make sense, when that's all you know, it's what you cling to. 

I decided to choose life last week. I sank to my knees and said it out loud. 
Tears streaming down my cheeks. 
The poison is leaving a little bit every day. 
Maybe this won't be an eating disorder blog anymore. 
Maybe it will.
I'll still struggle. 
One good day doesn't mean I'll not skip a meal, not purge the ice cream, or feel like I'm hot in my bikini. 
I promise I'll still be the same girl you've stuck around to read about all this time. 
I'll still be searching for beauty, diving into the ugliness of humanity, dreaming, writing, crying, being. 
I promise I'll still care if you will. 
I just can't go back, and that's what's beautiful. 



"This is what it feels like"

22 comments:

  1. I love that you posted an Armin van Buren song <3

    Shit, I don't know what my blog is anymore...ED, recovery, fitness addiction, drunken ramblings blog? I'll still read because you post some raw stuff. I read no matter what, even if it's insanely triggering things that probably shouldn't pop up on my feed, but oh well. I'm glad you've found this inner strength, even if just a glimpse of it. <3

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    1. Gimme allllll the dance/house/trance music :(

      Thanks for still reading because I love yours and you of course!

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  2. It was really the right time to do it then. Maybe some part of you, or God, knew you were approaching a crossroad.

    I'll still read whatever you post, because you are a fantastic person and I love you to pieces. Whether it's a triggering ED rant or the latest gossip or your plans for school.

    Breathe in the fresh air. It was just after I left my ex that I first ever felt I wanted to recover, wanted to live. It can be scary looking back at the negative effect others have on us.

    I love you [ thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis ] much *HUGS*
    Stay safe dear

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    1. It must have been!
      Thanks Bella. :) you've been so amazing me to. I just can't thank you enough for all your support and love.
      Well I love you (thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis) much more :P

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  3. People don't read your blog because you have an eating disorder- they read it because of the beautiful way you talk about your life.

    Well some follow for the ED element but they are few and unimportant.

    Your life, however calm or turbulent is far more interesting than your ED.

    Keep writing about anything!

    xxxxxxxxxxxxx

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    1. Thanks Katie! I just see beauty in the mundane and I just have to share it with you guys sometimes.

      It's true, and sometimes I think I'm not interesting because I don't want to focus on my ED all the time. There's a girl in there, not just a disorder.

      Thank you for sticking around :)

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  4. Choosing life, good choice Eve. There's nothing more I could hope for you. It shows here that you have given it a lot of thought lately. But just keep writing. People are her because of you, not to see what you have been eating.

    xxx

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    1. Just an insecurity that my thoughts and hope and dreams aren't enough :) just being dilly I guess. thanks for sticking around.

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  5. I loved reading every word. Not that it is any consolation, but I understand. I completely understand.

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    1. It's a consolation for sure! You write beautifully so it's actually a compliment to me!

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  6. Wow, it seems so weird that he was going to propose. I'm glad you know that you don't want to be married to him. It's kind of like, "well, I was going to have to say no to this anyway, so I'm glad I did it earlier". At least that's how I would feel.
    You're past all the pain, you're past the hardest parts.
    Now you get to heal.

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    1. I know... saying no to his face would have been absolutely terrible. I swear to you I'm not a mean person, not the kind of person will I'll intentions. Half the time I cry because he hurts.

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  7. We don't follow because you have an ED, we follow because you are you. We want you to beat the ED! Glad things are looking up honey :) xx

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    1. Just me being insecure that I'm not interesting. Thank you for sticking around and supporting me!

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  8. Hmm, I find this all rather interesting, another human being who actually talks about life's struggles, that's some real shit. I've got a lot of reading to catch up on.

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    1. Well, I hope it doesn't let you down. Sometimes I'm just a whiney girl and other days I'm thinking and growing. :)

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  9. You're one of the good, just because you know what it feels like. As long as I do I'll know I'm alive and sometimes that's all you need.

    /Avy

    http://mymotherfuckedmickjagger.blogspot.com

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    1. Thanks Avy :) sometimes I want more than just being alive

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  10. You stayed strong. And that was worth it. And that was all that mattered. :)

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    1. I try to think of it that way :)

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