Thursday, June 6, 2013

With Gravity

He wants to love me, my friend.
We kissed that night under the influence of too much wine and a few beers but it was nothing that wasn't sprouting in our hearts before.
I feel guilty because although things are at a crossroads, they are not definitely one path or the other.
My past and my future.
We felt such an urgency to be close.
I told him it was as though I had to melt into him to be close enough.
He smiled softly and agreed.
I love two people. Different ways and for different reasons but it's true.
I've never had someone ache for me that way, not like this.
I've never had someone shyly, but still quietly boldly, tell me that they don't know what they would do without me in their life and that they love me so much that it hurts not to wait, that it hurts too much to move on.
I haven't heard so many cheesy things from the heart in a long time and sometimes I have to put my phone down and think. 

"Sometimes I wonder if we'll even work out or try or if it was just a waste of time waiting."
"It would never be a waste of time. When was the last time you felt alive anyway?"  I was just teasing.
"That night you kissed me."
Lost for words. Blushing.
I told him it couldn't be this way, Tony, him, mixed up me.
It has to be the right way.
Too many things have been said in the last week and a half that reflect my inner layers to me and all I can do is think and observe.
Love scares me.
Pure affection terrifies me.
I can't move forward in my relationships and faith because I can't accept love.
I have been damaged deeper than I thought from my abuse and choppy home life.
I think I'm a selfish liar at times.
There's that dark side, the one each persons has and uses well.
Mine reminds me of something that sucks your soul from you, makes it bleed, emotions set free, then I leave without putting them back because I don't know how and they're too intense at times.
I'm sort of ashamed to admit I do this, but I guess we all do bad things. 

It starts with the eyes. These are my most powerful tools. There is no other place, no other part of me that can convey my emotions like my eyes. No part of anyone.
From there it's then engaging you. Smiles, laughs, flirting. 
Fantastic flirter. 
Steal your compliments, show you I'm a well rounded person at college, in my personal interests, my goals. You see these real facets of me.
I may not be the most interesting person you know, but with my passion for people, a few amazing stories about Greece, in college and I demonstrate I'm not the stupid girl at the party, being a female that loves metal, and the fact that I can play Nazi Zombies on Call of Duty as well as a guy and STILL wear a dress to kill while throwing out some deeper, offhanded comments, I seem intriguing.  
Tell me more. 
But who are you? 
I put people at ease. I genuinely care, even if in this moment I'm doing something devious. 
All of a sudden I've begun to get a framework of you life. You know slight parts of mine. You can tell I've suffered and struggled. Poor dear. You seem strong. 
Strong people don't do what I do. 
You're interested. 
I've led you on with a few flirty comments. 
Touched your arm as I laugh at something you said. 
You smile, I look into your eyes, combination of seduction and innocence. 
There it is. I've found it.
Emotional vulnerability. Just a crack. 
We all have it when we meet people. 
It's not very wide, but it's hopeful. It's the beginning. 
I am in control. 
I've given you a little vulnerability as a trap.
Maybe they got bold and kissed me. 
My kiss is my second secret weapon. 
Poor guys.
Sometimes it goes too far and they like me, I tell them I have a boyfriend, apologize. Sometimes I say it outright at the end of the night. All in fun. 

"You're a cool guy! We can be friends. Let me know when you guys are going down town again and maybe we can all meet up!" 
There are numbers in my phone I've never contacted again. Just need to get around to deleting. 
I was emotionally vulnerable many times in my life, even though I'm only 22. I thought maybe someone, guy or friend, would love me enough to not be afraid of my struggles. That inner ugliness. 
Whatever reason there was, they left. Friends couldn't hang. Guys thought I needed too much. Closeness from someone. 
It's repulsive to me now, that need. 
It was a natural reaction to my changing world. Family knew I was sexually abused for sure now, though they may have suspected. Life out of control with my parents always fighting, mom leaving and counting on me to side with her and leave with her. Dad acting the stable one. Eating disorder out of control. Needing an anchor in the hurricane. 
I don't need you now. 
Tony has taught me to be even more emotionally self reliant. I've adapted it, of course, and I appreciate some of the growing up he's helped me to do. He could have left me when I was clinging. He didn't though. God knows we both needed an anchor. 

I didn't really need their compliments. I didn't really need to be told I was beautiful.
What I needed was to know I could open someone up the way I have. I needed to know that just that small part of me was beautiful enough to bring you to a point of vulnerability with me. That I could bring the right someone to their knees someday.
Now I have. 
I don't do that to my friend.
I can't even look at him fully in the eyes usually because it's too hard.
I'm too vulnerable.
He loves me. 
Those words have never been so heavy. 
I wish I could even write it properly. 
There is a guy that I've been friends with since I was 16. Floating by each other, always a little interest, but something was quite right for the time. Now we've collided and it's time. 
The world is changing. 
There's something that is supposed to change. I feel like it's God's way of showing me there's better. There's health. There's life. There's happiness. There doesn't have to be this life. 
It's scary.
It's vulnerable.
I have to hurt to change and be who and where I should be. 
All of this is a feeling and I can't express it but what I have found is that I'm scared of love. 
Love is the dirty thing to me. It's the thing I shy from. It's too pure and it burns. Plenty of people chase like they know what it is, but if they actually felt it in it's raw, pure form, it would burn them. 
Sometimes I wonder if that's why it's so hard to embrace God and let it all go. 
This is the love you don't deserve. This is the love that wants you. It calls out to you. It begs you. It's jealous for you. 
All I can do is sit here. 
I sound crazy to anyone that isn't religious, I know. 
A relationship is supposed to be a reflection of how God loves and I think that it's going to be a massive healing if I allow myself to be loved by him and allow myself to be loved by God. 
It's one of those spiritual decimation moments that took all your walls and broke them. 

Healing and recovery are very scary things. It's so scary to give up control, the control you didn't and did have. The only choice you did have. You don't know if recovery and life and whatever struggle you're protecting yourself from is worth it. All you can do is jump with a prayer and some faith and some swearing for good measure. I'm swimming upstream, hurting myself this way, lowering my goal to 122. I'm going a way that isn't mine and I don't want to give it up but it tears at me. Trying to purify when I can't. Being a god as a human. So many thoughts These realizations are beautiful and terrifying with the heaviest gravity. I'm not going to be the same. 

What are you afraid of giving up control of? 
What is your dark spot? 


  1. I'm afraid of a lot of things, above all happiness. I think I want to be happy but then I figure, if I am, then what? Where do you go from being happy?

    / Avy

    1. You help others to get there too, I think. :)

  2. Maybe once you accept and like yourself, or dare I say love, you understand love more in a whole? You understand what you need, what you deserve, and maybe it gives more clarity?
    I don't think I'm afraid of love, I think I'm afraid I will never feel I deserve it or allow it from others and of course myself.
    I hope there's comfort for you in knowing that God has some plan, some way for you through all of this.
    Much much love xx

    p.s. I changed my blog address

    1. oh and this, not obliged. theprocess024.blogspot

    2. It's true. You have to to understand. Love is such a large and beautiful concept, I think.
      Okay! I'll look at it!
      I'm trying to. Still feeling stuck in the middle.. <3

  3. I'm afraid of trusting that when I give it up, things are not going to explode on my hands.

    It really sounds like you're in cross roads. (oh, and I'm not religious a bit, so adapt my answer to your world. I don't think you sound insane at all because I still can relate, with different terminology and through searching the "about same things" - to make this even more messy, I can't say what I believe in. I believe in higher power for sure but I don't want to name it because I think that it's the same basic force behind every religion and I don't want to fight with anyone about it).

    I sounds like you're in crossroads and for once you see it coming before you actually have to make a choice. The pain of freedom to choose and the fear of making the wrong mistake. I think I've said this already once before... but there's no mistakes in situations like that. You cannot choose wrong because both ways are going to teach you something and these both choices are given to you. What I believe is that there's the one only possible out come what we're going to be but that we can take many routes to get there. It's not the out come that matters when you're on the journey, the out come it's just there to help you to live the journey and experience it. Feel it. Go trough all the things you need to to truly understand the out come.

    It's more Eastern thinking, saying that human made boundaries doesn't really exist. But it's a calming thought... really, I can relate. So just see the possibilities each road has, remember that you can't know all the thing they bring; there're always surprises. Go for growing. In it self it doesn't mean recovery because letting go and for giving is a long process - a process, it doesn't happen over night and might never reach the point where you could actually stop dwelling on your disorder. But it's a beginning when you realize how deeply you've been hurt. It hurts. It's like starting the same loop again where you just thought to get away from - only this time you can dig deeper. And it might mean you need something new to match with that depth.

    <3 <3
    Hugs darling!

    1. You always tell me fantastic thing. I can definitely understand your perspective and I don't think we have boundaries. I really really hope I learn to experience the pain for the greater understanding and healing. I have to. Life has to start now.

  4. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you sweetie. The only advice I can give is to follow your heart, and I think we both know what that means.

    I'm afraid of love, too. I don't believe I deserve it, nor do I trust anyone to show me otherwise. I believe I deserve much less, to be treated as a physical love only, never an emotional love. And I used to let people treat me that way. Now my eating disorder forms a sort of repellent, so no one will want me in either way.

    It's scary to feel so emotionally vulnerable. But, sometimes, it's simply worth it.

    Love you dear. Huge hugs! <3

    1. P.S, I had a dream about you the other night. I met you at the airport and I introduced you to my mum and I was like "Look, it's Eve! Check out her piercings!" (and you had your multicolored dermals and all, so it was really you in my dream).
      I'm a dork, I know :P

    2. It's hard and I'm rejecting learning the lessons I should. It's the pain, you know? I just don't know what my problem is... it's my abuse for sure that stops me and I know that it's behind the curtain. I thought I had ran from it but I never did. I don't know.. I just pray I can figure it out.

      I absolutely love your dream and wish it would happen someday. :D
      I love you sweetie!

  5. Your writing is incredible. The most powerful line to jump out at me was when you wrote: 'I have to hurt to change and be who and where I should be.' You are so courageous writing this I think. It seems to be like a turning point, like you are ready to take some sort of leap of faith into life. If you know God's love, then you are blessed to know that He is there leading you where you need to go. Do you allow yourself to be loved by God? You deserve it, and God knows you deserve his love, even if that is not the way you feel.

    John 13:34-35
    "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. "By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another."

    I am so glad that you have God in your life, but maybe this is a little presumptuous of me, just because God has been there for me in my recovery journey. There have been times of sheer terror, where all control was taken away from me, but putting all of my faith and trust into God to protect me was the only thing that got me through, and I hope you can feel this too.

    Answering your last questions, I am afraid of giving up anorexia completely. I think anorexia is the symptom of a deeper thing which I can't even talk about (and which is why I admire you so much for your open courage) and I am afraid of talking about it. I am afraid of life in general and I suppose my dark spot is knowing that I can always take the easy way out. Sometimes life is too much, and it would be far more comfortable to be with God. This also terrifies me.

    1. I don't know about incredible but your comment meant a lot! I'm just honest.
      I really like that verse and yes, I grew up in the faith. some times I'm closer to him than others. I don't know what I would do without Him.
      My anorexia is a blanket for stuff too. I look like I talk openly but I still struggle. You have to open up. It's like poison if you don't.
      You seem like you're a strong girl too though. You'll find your feet. <3

    2. Honesty is incredible. So many people in this world just muddle their way through life in lies. Your honesty is a wonderful and refreshing thing.

      I think I am drowning in the poison that you mention. Thank you for your encouragement! Xx

  6. I know what you mean about flirting. It feels so good to be able to get people interested in you, get them to like you because they think you like them.
    Giving up control is hard, but in a way recovery is control. You can still choose what you eat, what you do. You don't let the illness control you. It's hard to feel that way, though.