Monday, June 17, 2013


I walked to the end of the dock and looked out at the lake.
The sun was warm, hot even.
His nephews were splashing around in the water.
The waves lapped at the rocks and boat ramps.
I turned back and looked at him looking at me and felt my thin dress and the wind's fingers softly rippling over my heating skin.
Not just the view either.
I felt thin and comfortable in my own skin.
He said he loves the way I look at him from the corner of my eye then look away and smile bashfully.

Sitting on the counter last night.
Holding hands in front of his family.
All of us sharing a beer and laughs.
He and I sharing secrets.
A few kisses spontaneously when passing each other on the way to and from the bathroom and my car.
Until I get home to someone else.
And realize that I am a shameful and terrible person.

I'm no longer in love with my boyfriend.
I'm in love with my friend.

I love my boyfriend dearly. He means the world to me. There is no easy way to do things now. How can you just break off a four and a half year relationship? You can't.
I want desperately for him to be okay, to make it through parole and beat his addiction. I want him to get married to a beautiful soul and have the kids he wants someday.
I want him to move to Colorado like he wants and live in the mountains like he dreams.
Even though he has told me he already does, I want him to forgive me again for the things I've done and said to him.
Right the wrongs.
Never hurt him again.
He isn't mine. He's someone else's. Just like I am.
I love him so much. So much that it brings tears to my eyes.
The pain of finally breaking it off is going to be intense. I love the way he thinks of others and can be so loyal to his family and those close to him. I love how considerate he can be and protective.
There just isn't enough there to be happy and not fight so much.
Loving him needs to be as a dear friend.

I surprised my dad yesterday by coming over in the morning to go to church and have lunch after and like usual, God finds a way to challenge me.
The service was on faith.
It was interesting because I realized how much this applies to everyone with EDs as well, whether you believe in God or anything spiritual or not.
Movement is an outward sign of faith.
What the pastor said next shook my world.
"Perseverance is movement forward, even in the bad times. God wants you to move from what's comfortable to what is uncomfortable, to have faith."
For the last eight years, yes eight, I have been hunkering down and taking whatever came my way.
When things are tough, I stand fast and let the barrage of struggles come at me, fighting them off, but never moving forward.
The fear of something else coming out of that unknown and not being strong enough to fight it always keeping me cemented in place.
I took myself for strong.
That's not the case, really. Maybe in some sense. I know that I don't give myself credit for the strides I've made forward and the things I've tried to work on and be open about. There are many sexual abuse victims that are unable to admit it or unable to have relationships, dysfunctional or not, simply because the fear and anxiety are too much. I'm blessed that I'm not triggered constantly and only certain situations cause triggers. I feel emotional side effects and things I never realize haunt me until later, but they don't hinder me constantly.

To persevere is to take whatever comes at you and watch the world pass you by because that's what you're supposed to do: take it, fight it, stay where you are. The future is scary. Change is scary. I need my security blankets that are unhealthy because it's better than the fire of healing.
Writing it out, how I live, I think, are you crazy? That's no way to live at all! I do though.
We all do something that sounds crazy on paper but it's the truth, how we exist.

To persevere is to move forward. It's to stride on no matter what. It's to not let life get you so down that you stop moving.
The only movement I've been making is in circles or not far, side to side, from my little trench.
Telling myself I'm being strong, moving forward, as I shy from change and true healing.

Pain is temporary. Always.
There is so much better out there! There are so many things, so many ways God wants to change my life and opportunities I could have if I would just freaking move!
I'm truly being a failure right now because I won't try. My worst fear is my current life because I'm afraid to take a leap of faith.

My security blanket is anorexia and a relationship that isn't going to progress to a happy marriage but would be too painful in a moment to end.
I say I'm moving forward from my sexual abuse but I won't talk about it really. I say it happened and that I'm fine, that at least I wasn't raped. I  think it was my fault. I tell myself what a few people have asked. "Why did you let it go on so long?" Abuse is abuse and it happened for a long time so why do I degrade myself and invalidate myself?
I don't talk about my ED because we all know we sound so weird. Very few understand our world and the true feelings below. I live in denial to others about it, appearing like I'm just being health conscious. My friend wants to be there for me if I need to talk about it. I can't. I'm ashamed of my emotions.
I am insecure. I'm secretly emotional. I'm scared of many things I pretend I'm not afraid of.
I'm human.

I'm going to keep praying for the strength to move forward and to allow myself to be loved and healed because I have to. I have to be the person God created me to be and to help others. I can't do that buried in the trench.
My ED is going to be the last to go. I can tell. At 132.8 this morning, I was devastated. I measured out my breakfast, ate little, and am skipping lunch.
I'm human.
Baby steps. Giant steps.As long as I'm moving forward.
Not everything has to happen at once.
Something I desperately need to remember.

I love you all. I don't know many of you personally, but sometimes out of nowhere, at work or in the car, I get that nudge in my heart that I should say a prayer for many of you that I talk to frequently and so I do.
I mean this truly from my heart when I say that you are so beautiful. All of you. You touch my heart, challenge me, bring me up, and support me. It's so invaluable. You are rich in your hopes, dreams, thoughts, and feelings. Thank you for letting me say what I need to and writing what I must as well as letting me get to know you. At times I worry about people I know finding my blog but I have to be ashamed for a lot more than a space where I show that I am a broken person like the rest of the world and that I care deeply for people despite this and despite many instances of selfishness. Thank you everyone.

Oh! and Bella, this is my first attempt at a layer cake. :D Sloppy, but it was so darn good! Strawberry cake with Irish Creme frosting and strawberries in the middle and then that fluffy awesome frosting you put on angel food cakes all over. Looks a little less than beautiful but everyone absolutely loved it. I guess it's the inside or the taste that matters, right? :P

My question/food for thought for the day, if you wouldn't mind sharing is: What are your security blankets? What are you having trouble moving on from or having trouble taking a leap away from? What would you change about your situation?  Who is the realistic person that you can and want to be? 


  1. Oh deep post here. I like what you said about perseverance is not just taking things and bearing through them, but also moving forward. I think I've been very side to side lately. Or maybe I'm going in a very big circle so I think I'm going somewhere but I'm really not. Hmm.

    I have no idea what my security blankets are. Like, I think it's the masks. If people knew how I really thought and felt, no one would talk to me. Except you all because that's what this community is for. I think my blanket is that fact that I've made it to where no one can hurt me more than I hurt myself. You break my heart, ha well I can starve myself and slice my skin more than you can ever crush me. You hate me and think I'm worthless? Well join the damn club. As much as I want to appreciate and love myself, I don't think it will happen.

    If I were to change anything about my situation, I would say courage and no fucks given. I'm very good at acting like that, not so good at actually believing it. I would lose the perfectionism, I would lose the anxiety. I have an odd pride of being the "normal one" and I feel like I have to maintain that. I just wish I didn't care so much.

    The realistic person? Well,that's the trick...realistic. In my perfectionist little fantasy head, realistic doesn't quite fit. I wish I could be happy with what I have, know what to say and what to do. I wish I could live my life like a Mumford and Sons song: gracious, accepting, simple, loving, faithful/have some sense of faith than in myself (because you can't just believe in yourself, you'll always end in disappointment). I also wish I knew how to take humility in stride and not wanting to run and hide my face.

    1. It's even more dangerous, that point. It's like you don't care because you're already at the ledge and no one could push you over but you.
      Ha the normal one. I'm the fiery one, the unique one. I say what I think and I usually don't get embarrassed about much. People either think I'm odd or love how I'm silly but still serious and do what I want. Meanwhile, I worry a lot and do care what people think.

      It really is about taking things in stride. <3

  2. You know what you have to do Eve, it's just finding the strength to do it. God knows I know that that is the hardest part - but you do have the strength and you will make it. I believe in you.
    Though I have no experience from which to guide you, I also think that you need to talk about the abuse to ever be able to fully heal from it. It's scary, really scary and perhaps you aren't ready yet, but try and work towards a place where you will be able to open up to someone.
    My security blankets, what I am struggling to move away from? My ED of course. Also, sounds like a strange one, but isolating myself - no one can touch me when I'm alone. I absorb myself in other worlds through TV, in the safety of my own room - because that way I can avoid facing the unknown in my real life. Experiencing the wonders of life second hand, I can avoid risking my own life, risking things going wrong. Pathetic, I know, I should be and I want to be having experiences myself but I guess I'm not brave enough. I'm scared of not being strong enough to become the person I want to be and I'm scared of making myself vulnerable by committing to my hopes and dreams, because what if they fail? But I'm also scared of staying this way forever, because that path is definite failure.

    1. I need to jot run from talking about it and jot shirking it off all light hearted when really, it's heavy for me.
      I totally understand the isolating yourself. I have to be around people because I'm scared I'll miss out but how you are makes sense too.
      It's an every day battle. <3

  3. Replies
    1. Thanks dear :) I hope you're doing a little better!

  4. I don't think you are a failure. Not at all. I honestly don't think anyone worth while would.

    You are not in denial about what recovery is, what you need to do to move forward- If you are able to see that- well then that alone shows a desire to move on. That is the opposite of failure.

    You don't have to be eating cake, gaining pounds, changing lives to be 'recovering' I guess I think you just need to acknowledge there is a life outside anorexia and that it is what you want eventually, that is recovery.

    You have such faith, such strength, don't dismiss it.

    Also don't be too hard on yourself about your relationships. We cant control how relationships are fated to go, we just have to accept that they will go wherever they go and be strong even if it hurts terribly.

    Your cake looks YUMMY!!!!

    I guess my security blanket it meticulously planning all my time, having stupid routines that I have to do. I used to feel comforted by it. Now I feel the blankets suffocating. I just cant shake it off :(

    You're amazing, keep going xxxxxxxx

    1. I'll try not to. Nothing is good enough in my eyes so everything I do is small I guess.

      I am.. I shouldn't behave this way. It's so hard to make the leap you know? I need to, I just can't fully. I'm trying so hard to be strong and do it anyway.

      I could understand that. My mom is a jug planner and I just kinda show up haha. It drives her crazy. :)

      Thank you so much for your encouragement. It really means a lot. <3

  5. This was an amazing post. There are so many thing that I want to say or that I thought while reading this, but I can never seem to make them go from my mouth to my fingers.
    I do know this though. You are strong. You are trying and you are working on changing the things in your life that you are unhappy with. You are bright and you have a spark in you that I love.
    As for the questions that you posted, my security blankets are my attitude and my self harm. I refuse to admit that I have a problem, and I always project an attitude that nothing bothers me. That I'm cool, calm, and collected. I rarely show thy anything is wrong. I'm always trying to be strong.
    A for the other questions, I just don't ave an answer. Not right now anyways. But I'll think about it and if I find an answer, I will let you know. Xx (:

    1. You don't have to say anything just as long as you do a little thinking and self analyzing. :) you are always such a doll to me. Thank you!

      I could see the attitude one and I do it too. I have the "it doesn't bother me" attidude and I try to be light and warm and cheery. Doesn't always work.

  6. Awe, your love is so beautiful! I hope I can have what you have now someday. And further, that cake looks so divine! I think we are all emotional and that is because we are young and wonderful and have our whole lives ahead of us, thankfully. We are allowed to make mistakes and dance around like fools, because we are truly young.

    1. It would be more beautiful if it was in the right order. I'm praying things work out as they should and that I gain the courage to break up with my boyfriend and take time for me.

  7. Woo, you go girl! I love your first layer cake :) It looks like it tasted awesome. I have to send you pics of a not-quite-perfect Neapolitan cake I made the other week.

    It sounds like your heart is really leading you where it will. You're right though, you can't 'just break off' such a long relationship. But are you really with the person who will make you happy, fulfilled?

    My security blanket... My instinct says "anorexia", but in my gut I feel there's more to it than that. Anorexia is kinda my way of not dealing with the 'bigger issues', like abuse. I never want to talk about the things that've happened, or how I feel, or any of it. That said, my 'other issues' are pretty ignored these days by doctors etc., and anorexia and my physical health seems to be focus. I'm scared to face reality, myself, my issues, my past, life in general.

    I don't truly know who I can and want to be. Maybe one day I'll find out.

    Huge hugs to you dear <3

    1. I want to see it! If you lived in the US I would tell you we need a baking day.

      Well, I'm not happy and fulfilled with the person I'm with. I have a feeling in my heart of who I should be with and it's not him. I look like a shitty person though. Selfish too. It just aches.. Four years and this is all we show for it.. I learned things of course, but I don't know.. hard.

      Yah mine is a coping mechanism. I do other things to hide what happened. You gotta weed out all the roots of trauma and bitterness and anxiety and fear. It's a tough job.

  8. I think it's wrong of you to stay with your current boyfriend while in love with - even kissing, holding hands - with another guy, and your boyfriend clueless. If you want to do the right thing by your boyfriend, tell him immediately. NEVER do things behind someone's back. Do things properly, in the proper order, and you'll be rewarded for it.

    1. It is wrong. It's also a difficult situation. That doesn't justify it, of course. I still care deeply about him and the kissing happened when we were drunk so I'm not just going over to my friends house and making out with him all day every day. I'm sincerely trying to evaluate myself and gain the courage to so the right thing.

  9. Harsh realization. I definitely understand about not wanting it to end. It's so hard to let go of people that you love, even if it's not right. I wish you luck in deciding what to do.
    I don't know what my security blanket is. Food, probably. Sorry if this comment sounds terse, I'm a bit out of it tonight. I don't mean it to sound that way.

    1. You've been having a rough go it seems, dear. Don't even worry because I know you don't mean to be terse. Thank you for wishing me well. It's hard.

  10. I think you are so brave, Eve. Maybe you don't feel that way, but I think you are.

    1. Thanks love! I hope you're doing well! I appreciate the encouragement!