Monday, June 17, 2013
I walked to the end of the dock and looked out at the lake.
The sun was warm, hot even.
His nephews were splashing around in the water.
The waves lapped at the rocks and boat ramps.
I turned back and looked at him looking at me and felt my thin dress and the wind's fingers softly rippling over my heating skin.
Not just the view either.
I felt thin and comfortable in my own skin.
He said he loves the way I look at him from the corner of my eye then look away and smile bashfully.
Sitting on the counter last night.
Holding hands in front of his family.
All of us sharing a beer and laughs.
He and I sharing secrets.
A few kisses spontaneously when passing each other on the way to and from the bathroom and my car.
Until I get home to someone else.
And realize that I am a shameful and terrible person.
I'm no longer in love with my boyfriend.
I'm in love with my friend.
I love my boyfriend dearly. He means the world to me. There is no easy way to do things now. How can you just break off a four and a half year relationship? You can't.
I want desperately for him to be okay, to make it through parole and beat his addiction. I want him to get married to a beautiful soul and have the kids he wants someday.
I want him to move to Colorado like he wants and live in the mountains like he dreams.
Even though he has told me he already does, I want him to forgive me again for the things I've done and said to him.
Right the wrongs.
Never hurt him again.
He isn't mine. He's someone else's. Just like I am.
I love him so much. So much that it brings tears to my eyes.
The pain of finally breaking it off is going to be intense. I love the way he thinks of others and can be so loyal to his family and those close to him. I love how considerate he can be and protective.
There just isn't enough there to be happy and not fight so much.
Loving him needs to be as a dear friend.
I surprised my dad yesterday by coming over in the morning to go to church and have lunch after and like usual, God finds a way to challenge me.
The service was on faith.
It was interesting because I realized how much this applies to everyone with EDs as well, whether you believe in God or anything spiritual or not.
Movement is an outward sign of faith.
What the pastor said next shook my world.
"Perseverance is movement forward, even in the bad times. God wants you to move from what's comfortable to what is uncomfortable, to have faith."
For the last eight years, yes eight, I have been hunkering down and taking whatever came my way.
When things are tough, I stand fast and let the barrage of struggles come at me, fighting them off, but never moving forward.
The fear of something else coming out of that unknown and not being strong enough to fight it always keeping me cemented in place.
I took myself for strong.
That's not the case, really. Maybe in some sense. I know that I don't give myself credit for the strides I've made forward and the things I've tried to work on and be open about. There are many sexual abuse victims that are unable to admit it or unable to have relationships, dysfunctional or not, simply because the fear and anxiety are too much. I'm blessed that I'm not triggered constantly and only certain situations cause triggers. I feel emotional side effects and things I never realize haunt me until later, but they don't hinder me constantly.
To persevere is to take whatever comes at you and watch the world pass you by because that's what you're supposed to do: take it, fight it, stay where you are. The future is scary. Change is scary. I need my security blankets that are unhealthy because it's better than the fire of healing.
Writing it out, how I live, I think, are you crazy? That's no way to live at all! I do though.
We all do something that sounds crazy on paper but it's the truth, how we exist.
To persevere is to move forward. It's to stride on no matter what. It's to not let life get you so down that you stop moving.
The only movement I've been making is in circles or not far, side to side, from my little trench.
Telling myself I'm being strong, moving forward, as I shy from change and true healing.
Pain is temporary. Always.
There is so much better out there! There are so many things, so many ways God wants to change my life and opportunities I could have if I would just freaking move!
I'm truly being a failure right now because I won't try. My worst fear is my current life because I'm afraid to take a leap of faith.
My security blanket is anorexia and a relationship that isn't going to progress to a happy marriage but would be too painful in a moment to end.
I say I'm moving forward from my sexual abuse but I won't talk about it really. I say it happened and that I'm fine, that at least I wasn't raped. I think it was my fault. I tell myself what a few people have asked. "Why did you let it go on so long?" Abuse is abuse and it happened for a long time so why do I degrade myself and invalidate myself?
I don't talk about my ED because we all know we sound so weird. Very few understand our world and the true feelings below. I live in denial to others about it, appearing like I'm just being health conscious. My friend wants to be there for me if I need to talk about it. I can't. I'm ashamed of my emotions.
I am insecure. I'm secretly emotional. I'm scared of many things I pretend I'm not afraid of.
I'm going to keep praying for the strength to move forward and to allow myself to be loved and healed because I have to. I have to be the person God created me to be and to help others. I can't do that buried in the trench.
My ED is going to be the last to go. I can tell. At 132.8 this morning, I was devastated. I measured out my breakfast, ate little, and am skipping lunch.
Baby steps. Giant steps.As long as I'm moving forward.
Not everything has to happen at once.
Something I desperately need to remember.
I love you all. I don't know many of you personally, but sometimes out of nowhere, at work or in the car, I get that nudge in my heart that I should say a prayer for many of you that I talk to frequently and so I do.
I mean this truly from my heart when I say that you are so beautiful. All of you. You touch my heart, challenge me, bring me up, and support me. It's so invaluable. You are rich in your hopes, dreams, thoughts, and feelings. Thank you for letting me say what I need to and writing what I must as well as letting me get to know you. At times I worry about people I know finding my blog but I have to be ashamed for a lot more than a space where I show that I am a broken person like the rest of the world and that I care deeply for people despite this and despite many instances of selfishness. Thank you everyone.
Oh! and Bella, this is my first attempt at a layer cake. :D Sloppy, but it was so darn good! Strawberry cake with Irish Creme frosting and strawberries in the middle and then that fluffy awesome frosting you put on angel food cakes all over. Looks a little less than beautiful but everyone absolutely loved it. I guess it's the inside or the taste that matters, right? :P
My question/food for thought for the day, if you wouldn't mind sharing is: What are your security blankets? What are you having trouble moving on from or having trouble taking a leap away from? What would you change about your situation? Who is the realistic person that you can and want to be?