Monday, June 24, 2013


"I think I have four distinct worst memories. I don't know if they're truly my worst, but they're things I remember most. The first was when I found my mom with her wrists cut up." 
Look towards the west again, to the hazy full moon. 
"My dad was yelling at her and I didn't know what to do because I didn't know how to react to someone that was in that much pain. My second was when she wanted to kill herself and she was going to leave me at one of the rest stops on the interstate with the phone so that I didn't have to be in the car when she did it and I could call someone to get me." 
He squeezed me tighter. 
"My third was when my friend told my mom that I was being abused and my cousin called the house and asked why I was saying that." 
Squeezed even tighter. 
"My last one was when I was about 16 and I was about to be hospitalized and I looked in the mirror and saw how disgusting I looked, how bony."
"Oh, and the time I laid in bed begging God to let me cry. I maybe made two tears." 

I went with my older friend to pick up her daughter. She was drunk and upset. 
At thirty, this isn't what she thought her life would be. 
I look around and I see so much pain and it breaks my heart because I can do nothing. I try so hard but you can't do anything but help ease the pain.
"Sometimes I  wonder how there's so much brokenness in the world. We can't fix it. We just exist." 
"We have free will." 
"It seems like we always end up using it to pick what hurts us. I just want to help everyone, but I can't." 

I tried to break up with my boyfriend tonight. 
He knew it was coming and he was upset and he was talking about things that didn't particularly relate to the situation. I told him we weren't compatible and so he was trying to say where he was coming from.
I've heard it before. 
A million times actually. 
He has this way of skimping over what I want to say until the very end when I'm too tired and I'm done listening. 
I tried to tell him that I love him but don't think we're compatible, that I don't think things will change. 
Words got stuck. 
Heart ached from the inevitable.
So I went to the liquor store and found a huge bottle of Zinfandel for $10.99.
Does it help the situation? No. 
Sometimes you just get tired of thinking and hurting. 
Sometimes you get tired of hurting others. 

I don't know why, stress I guess, but the last two days have made my disorder come back into swing. 
Pinching thighs. 
Feeling shoulders. 
Collar bones. 
It doesn't seem like the situation is going to resolve easily and all I want to do is reach 122. 
I hate my skin, my choices, my body, my heart. 
Sometimes I feel like I let you guys down when I fall back into it. I'm usually more positive. 
I just hate myself for various reasons or I feel disappointed that I couldn't do more or be more positive.
Or stronger.
Sometimes I feel like I was made for this moment and wouldn't know how to transition into healthy living if I tried.
I know that's false thinking, just what's available due to not know what the future holds.
Tomorrow morning I'm going to try and shed the extra pounds. God knows I've been caring more than just excess skin. 

Sometimes I get tired of existing. Sometimes I just want to do it the right way. 


  1. Don't ever feel like you're letting anyone down. Those who truly care for you will never feel let down, just worried that you will be ok. And you will be. We all have 'blips' (I hate that word, sorry) it's the nature of the monster. No-one can be positive 24/7, and besides, these times that we feel down help us appreciate more the better times! You may not feel it, but you are strong, incredibly strong. Just look at what you managed to admit - your 4 distinct worst memories. That must have taken such strength.

    Please don't get tired of existing - you're worth too much <3

    1. Thanks dear. I try to be. It's a sad thing that I feel like I don't even want to let you guys down. You're the most supportive people really I have.
      I'll keep carrying on, I promise. <3

    2. Always here if you need support/someone to reach out to. Take care of you <3

  2. How does it feel when you tell people things like this? I can imagine it must be hard to dredge up such things or verbalize them instead of just thinking about them. You seem to be an expert at letting people in to help you and I admire you for that. You tell people dark things about yourself instead of pushing them away or hiding it.

    1. You know, that's the thing, I don't. I've come to realize that what I do is I drop a bomb of shock because nothing shocks me anymore. Nothing. You could tell me you did or felt something and I would nod and understand because we're all human. Then, they go to help me and I shy away. I take the "I don't need help" attitude. It's like I'm a book that someone doesn't let you read the ending to or they just read parts of the most interesting chapters.

  3. A lot of strength shines through in your writing dear, never doubt that. I could never face my worst memories, let alone write them down in any form.
    You have no reason to hate yourself. You can only do what you can, and that is more than enough.
    Breaking up with Tony is going to be a painful thing for both of you. Maybe he's just trying to put it off for as long as he can.

    Love you dear. You're in my thoughts *hugs*