Friday, June 21, 2013


"What are your dreams?" I ask, absently.
It's muggy out and my hips and lower back are sore.
Probably just signaling some form of incoming summer storm.
Or change.
We're sitting on his stoop in the night testing peach and tropical fusion flavored cigars.
The moon peers out from her hazy curtains and the trees are silhouettes.
My knees are pulled up and his arm is propped at the angle of my legs, fingers swirling the inner side of my knee in that dip.
Smoke pours from our lips and seeps into the night air.
"To marry you someday."
For a second, he stops and moves his arm to get a drink from his Gatorade.
Immediately my skin ripples a goose bump protest then smoothing when he resumes.
There is nothing I want more than to be able to say what needs to be said, to have the courage to end my current relationship so that I can be free to taste happiness.
It's muggy in my heart.

Two days earlier it was Tuesday night and since my cousin and uncle were visiting from North Carolina, my Grandma and Grandpa grilled.
We sat close enough for fingers to skim under the table.
Eyes darted back and forth.
Grandpa made us a second margarita.
Then I made us a third.
I have eaten today, but it's not enough to soak up the alcohol.
Fingers easily slip between has when they stroked my hand.
Time to go.
Sneaking three wine coolers and turning up the radio as we drive to his house.
Sitting down on his futon in my tequila haze, saying what needs to be said.
Somehow our lips found their way back to each other and he's laying me back.
I'm weaving my hands through his hair, gently tugging it.
It's so soft, just like his kiss, even in urgency.
He pushes my long dress up my thigh to run his hand up the full length of my leg and I'm running my hand up his back.
Too far.
We've gone too far kissing like this.
I cry because if I wasn't a slutty cheating girlfriend with self respect this wouldn't have happened. 
I cry because I should be able to just break up with my boyfriend and not feel such struggle in my heart.
I cry because my abuse has me programmed to go along with things,
I cry because this programming leaves me with guilt that I didn't push myself to do what needs done, even if I like the person, to say no, not until I've broke things off with him.
I sink to the floor, ashamed it's coming back to me with a safe person.
He sinks to the floor and scoops me into his arms, holding me, kissing my hair.
I try to explain and he holds back tears. I hear them, lodged between his throat and eyes.
He says he didn't mean to make me cry, that despite the struggles and pain I'm beautiful to him, that he loves me.

I straightened up since Tuesday.
Tony asked last night if I had doubts.
"Yes. I'm unsure about us and don't feel connected."
My voice hesitated. 
"I just don't know anymore..."
"If you need to go, you need to do it before the end of the summer. I'll still let you stay if you don't want to stay with your mom so you can have privacy. You can't lead me along thinking we'll make it. I'm still in love with you. I'm not the one with doubts. You need to do some thinking."
His face is etched in my heart forever but I can't be in this anymore.
He looked heart broken.
Tired and worn from work, use, and monotony.
I feel heartbroken from things done, things thought, and settling.

He stops time.
We've been friends since I was 16 and I never knew he could do that.
When other guys have touched me in any form, I feel nothing.
Maybe it's sweet. 
Maybe it's uncomfortable. 
It's nothing. 
Just touch. 
He gives me goosebumps. Literally. 
This has never happened to me, not even with my first love.
When they talked about being careful because you can get lost in the moment in sex ed at school, I didn't understand and I never have. 
There's never been a moment. 
Until his hand was sliding up my thigh. 

There has never been someone that has made me question the lies I tell myself. 
There has never been someone that has made me believe, on my own, that I am not dirty, tainted, ugly.
There has never been someone that has made it difficult for me to restrict and work myself to exhaustion at the gym, to make me feel like I'm not just a sexual abuse victim, but a beautiful and radiant soul capable of all the things that I ever wanted to be.  
There has never been.
Until now.
I will struggle. I will want to hold on to these security blankets I reason hold value.
I won't eat. I will eat. 
Still hoping for my 5 pound loss.
Still angry that I eat. It's hard not to worry when I come home happy.
I'll drink too much now and then so that I can say the things I've needed to. 
I'll work out and feel insecure and stare at myself naked, wondering who would find this girl radiant in all that has been done to her, she chose to do, and the ways she has hurt others. 
I'll smile with my eyes and hurt in my heart and I'll laugh easily and learn to cry unashamed. 
I'll learn to do the right thing by my bf, I promise you all I will do it.

It's muggy out and my head is turned to the right, which is west. 
Seems like I've always been watching, waiting, anticipating the sun's setting and never the rise. 
I never liked mornings. 
But I'm starting to like the dawn. 
"I have to tell you something."
"What's that?" 
"I'm not very good with expressing how I feel so just bare with me. It's probably dumb, but I just, I just feel like I need to tell you." 
Strokes my leg softly.
"You can tell me whatever you need to."
"I think... I think for the first time ever..... I think for the first time ever I want to recover. From everything." 


  1. I'm proud of you for telling Tony about your doubts. I would never be able to do it.
    Also, I don't think you're a cheating slutty girlfriend. I don't think cheating is right but it's not like you're consciously going out there deciding that you're going to get some regardless of your boyfriend. Or that you do it and don't care about hurting him. If I were dating you I would break up with you but I wouldn't hate you or lose respect for you because of what you've done. It would be because of my own views on how I want my relationships to work. Does that make sense?

    1. I didn't want to... When he asked if I wanted to be done I wanted to say yes but couldn't make the words.
      Yep, it does. It makes me feel better I'm not a complete and total bitch or look like I have no regards for anyone's feelings.
      I hate pain..

  2. "I'll work out and feel insecure and stare at myself naked, wondering who would find this girl radiant in all that has been done to her, she chose to do, and the ways she has hurt others."

    So, I hung out with a guy last night. And there were so many good things. I can anticipate something coming from this. I'm sure he would've kissed me if my mother hadn't been there. But, as us girls are, overthinking happens. With any thought of a relationship, I've vowed to myself that if I ever started one, I couldn't lie to them, I'd have to be honest about things. But part of me wonders, even if something more does happen, who would ever want someone with so much damage, so much lies and complicated thoughts. No one, in my opinion.

    Good luck dear. I've never had to choose to break up with someone over another person, but I can't imagine. Take Tony's advice, think it over. Take care, stay strong.

  3. And wait no, he doesn't have a gf...did I imply that? No..idk, he mentioned that a few months ago he was in a more committed relationship that he had to let her go, but he was all "I like this, spending time with you, I like you" Ugh it was adorable. But as I just ranted, I'm not destined for relationships. But we'll see. Who knows. I don't want to put too much on it.

    1. I think you do deserve to be loved and you aren't horrible. We all are, really. We have terrible thoughts and intentions but there are many instances of good ones too. Yah it seemed like he had a gf so I'm glad he doesn't! Maybe something will come of it for you lady!

  4. That last sentence :]
    I was hoping you would look and find something like that for yourself with one of them.
    Much much love xx

    1. I'm scared to but I think more of me than not wants to <3

  5. Doubts and security blankets are the ones that really don't stick together, sure they make reality blurry and try to make it disappear but it really isn't going anywhere. I'm proud of you not to trying to hide under your blanket, turning on the flash light and going "there's nothing happening, there's nothing happening" when there is.

    The question is who is the one that can take you forward? That kind of love you and Tony have is special and long lasting, you guys would definitely end up married and be happy most of the time, but the thing I wonder is that can you two really help each other grow even more? It seems like you're also in a way blankets to each other and stuck with the perception of who you guys are at the moment and not really being able to take the leap towards more normal when neither of you don't really know what that is. (or that's the impression I got, but again, I haven't really seen you... so remember that I really don't know anything)

    Do some thinking darling, I'm so happy about that last sentence too. You rock!
    <3 <3

    1. I wanted to, believe me. You think it's easier to hide even though it's not. If you get used to discomfort, it's comfortable eventually.

      My friend can take me forward. Tony and i would not have a happy marriage. We don't have the same beliefes, personalities, we argue easily. We make great friends, I think. He just is in a different place in his life and I fear he won't climb out. I hope and pray he does, but I think my friend is the better fit and more supportive and it's just easy. It's understanding without trying. It's different and more what I need to be the best person I can.

      Thanks girl! I'm nervous but I'm getting closer to trying. <3

  6. I absolutely love this post. Love is so confusing and wonderful and scary. I always wonder if the constellations have something to do with our love lives, or if it is just us. Do we really have that much control?

    I wish you the best, and love is crazy and fun. I hope you live up your summer to its fullest extent! We are all mixed up inside and growing ever stronger from it. I think that is the wonderful thing about being young and in love.

    I also love the beginning poem; it was so beautiful.

    1. I think God has a plan, we just don't listen. Free choice to go our own ways, destruction or life, pain or joy. I hope it all works out. :)

  7. This is a beautiful post sweetheart. And I love the last line, obviously. I hope he keeps treating you like a princess, and makes you believe that you are truly worthy of recovery. You are more than your troubles, more than a victim.

    Just out of curiosity, on the topic of relationships and recovery; do you think your reaction would be different if your friend expressed concern over your weight, opposed to when Tony has?

    Love you dearest *hugs*

    1. He doesn't just treat me like a princess! Like a queen! It's such a change and I don't know how to act!

      My first answer is, well, I'm fat so he doesn't. I look fit and healthy now a days, which is good but my brain is feeling overwhelmed by no loss. But he basically just doesn't know what to say or do so he just tries to listen and support. That's what I need. Of he was hard on me like Tony, no. It just wouldn't work as well.

      I love you lots girl!

  8. You write so beautifully, I'm glad that you are getting to experience this even if it is a messed up situation. You are moving in the right direction honey and being honest with yourself as you openly are here is the first step xxx

    1. Thank you! Maybe someday I'll show him this post. I'm trying really hard to open up. It's really hard. I'm so glad I have you guys to support me.

  9. I can really feel the fight going on in your mind between everything, but most of all between wanting to recover and wanting to cling on to your eating disorder.

    I think your heart knows which way you want to go. If you follow your heart, God will always be there to protect you, guide you and teach you.

    "I think... I think for the first time ever..... I think for the first time ever I want to recover. From everything." You are so incredibly strong and I admire you and your beautiful writing so very much! There is so much strength and beauty about you! xx

    1. Thanks girl! It certainly doesn't always feel like it! I'm trying to figure out which way is up!