That's what comes to mind every time he and I talk.
See, the thing is, I can't let him go.
And sometimes I even doubt that it was an emotionally abusive relationship.
Maybe I'm crazy....
He calls me asking what I want with us and do I ever see us having another chance or think about it.
I don't see us together.
"I mean, yeah, I do think about it. I love you a lot and I care about you. We were together a long time and I just can't imagine us never talking again. I DO want you in my life."
He tells me that I'm selfish, that he is trying to change his life, that I'm a self-loathing bitch.
Oh, and that I just need to tell him that I'm not coming back and then we can't talk anymore.
But I don't want to never talk to you again...
what about my dog?
Yes, I actually care about getting my dog he gave me back, even if he was the one that had to take care of her the most.
We've flirted one time when I came back to college. I was sorry.... Comfort slides on like an old sweater.
What's happening to me?
I don't give him much but I don't give him enough to leave....
You're mean, spiteful, self-loathing, just like he says.
It's like my heart cracks in two every time I imagine us not talking and I've already cried four times this week because of him.
On Monday he talked to me for 55 minutes, getting angry, getting sad, ranting and raving.
I listened patiently, quietly.
Then it dawned on me: I don't care how he's there, I just want him there and I will listen to his ranting just to have him there.
What's wrong with me?
"My counselor says that you won't have a good relationship with him right after being done with me."
I was ready for a healthy relationship though...
"Maybe, maybe not though, but his counselor has to build a relationship with him so that he'll trust her and they can work on things." My friend's reassurance.
I don't know if anyone has been in an emotionally abusive relationship like this, but I know for a fact it feels like nothing is real.
His abuse didn't even feel real to me.
He would tell me that I need to grow up.
I'm only 22... This is as much life as I've lived...
He told me that I'm too silly and that I still dress like I'm in high school.
I didn't think I did....
He told me that I'm too clingy and/or needy.
I just wanted you to ask me about my day/hold my hand/call me when I was sad...
Somehow during a fight he would tell me what he did was wrong, admitting guilt for this or that, but then he would also tell me what I did wrong and somehow it always came out me being wrong.
I don't even know if he knew he did that...
He was dominant in arguments and would make me feel like he could leave me but he didn't.
Like I could leave if I really thought it was so bad.
I'm not a quitter... I don't abandon people...
He didn't always say these things but they were implied.
Did that just happen?
He would lump me in with all counselors and psychologists, saying that I was like them, constantly flipping things around, switching the emphasis from myself to someone else.
That like them, I don't deal with my problems but I want to deal with the problems of others.
It felt like a dig at my chosen profession, but that I would only be good at because I was screwed up.
I almost wasn't going to apply to grad school because I doubted myself so much...
His anger was explosive and if it could switch onto you if you even looked at him.
It would switch to you anyway if you didn't engage in it.
He would tell me I didn't have any reason to be depressed, that his drug use hurt him more than it hurt me, that I just need to deal with tough love.
It was like I was selfish for wanting basic things a girlfriend wants.
"You want less than half of what girlfriends normally want and you just want a genuinely nice person that enjoys spending time with you." I remember that's what a friend told me when I asked her what was wrong with me...
He wouldn't be emotionally available to me, we couldn't talk about anything, and somehow he was the victim, but it always felt like somehow he would highlight that I was playing the victim and there was no reason for it.
He wasn't emotionally available, but he put in the effort and nothing is ever enough to me and he provides for me by giving me a place to live, food, paying for things.
I didn't ask you to do all those things though, I just want you to love me.
But he would tell me that he did those things because he loves me.
There was an excuse for his behavior.
I needed to learn to own up to mine and stop being avoidant.
There was an excuse for why he couldn't be as empathetic.
"Addiction is a disease. I'm trying."
Maybe nothing is happening...
Maybe..... it's me......
I pretended to be upset that he headbutted me (it wasn't really hard) but you know, I wasn't.
That's how fucked up it must have been.
It won't happen again... It was just this once.
I almost felt like I deserved it because I was in his face too and had been really bitchy during that argument.
"Oh, and it was your fault he washed his crank too, right?" My friend's voice echos in my head.
Let him go....
Why can't I just let him go?
Why does it hurt so much?
Am I an awful person? A selfish bitch?
It should easy, right? I should be so fed up with everything that I shouldn't have just left, I should have changed my number, and let him and my dog go along with the good times mixed in there.
I'm happy with L. I'm happier than I have been in a long time.
I'm supported, appreciated, respected, loved, and adored.
WHY do I struggle?
I would take any advice just to understand... I just want someone to make sense of why I feel like I do...
What's wrong with me?
One ticket out of Stockholm, please.