Friday, August 30, 2013

One Ticket Out of Stockholm, Please

That's what comes to mind every time he and I talk.
See, the thing is, I can't let him go.
And sometimes I even doubt that it was an emotionally abusive relationship.
                Maybe I'm crazy....
He calls me asking what I want with us and do I ever see us having another chance or think about it.
                I don't see us together. 
"I mean, yeah, I do think about it. I love you a lot and I care about you. We were together a long time and I just can't imagine us never talking again. I DO want you in my life."
               You're selfish. 
He tells me that I'm selfish, that he is trying to change his life, that I'm a self-loathing bitch.
Oh, and that I just need to tell him that I'm not coming back and then we can't talk anymore.
                But I don't want to never talk to you again... 
                       what about my dog? 
Yes, I actually care about getting my dog he gave me back, even if he was the one that had to take care of her the most.
We've flirted one time when I came back to college. I was sorry.... Comfort slides on like an old sweater.
               You're crazy. 
What's happening to me?
I don't give him much but I don't give him enough to leave....
                You're mean, spiteful, self-loathing, just like he says. 
It's like my heart cracks in two every time I imagine us not talking and I've already cried four times this week because of him.
On Monday he talked to me for 55 minutes, getting angry, getting sad, ranting and raving.
I listened patiently, quietly.
Then it dawned on me: I don't care how he's there, I just want him there and I will listen to his ranting just to have him there.
                What's wrong with me? 
"My counselor says that you won't have a good relationship with him right after being done with me."
                I was ready for a healthy relationship though...
"Maybe, maybe not though, but his counselor has to build a relationship with him so that he'll trust her and they can work on things." My friend's reassurance.

I don't know if anyone has been in an emotionally abusive relationship like this, but I know for a fact it feels like nothing is real.
His abuse didn't even feel real to me.
He would tell me that I need to grow up.
                I'm only 22... This is as much life as I've lived...
He told me that I'm too silly and that I still dress like I'm in high school.
               I didn't think I did.... 
He told me that I'm too clingy and/or needy.
               I just wanted you to ask me about my day/hold my hand/call me when I was sad... 
Somehow during a fight he would tell me what he did was wrong, admitting guilt for this or that, but then he would also tell me what I did wrong and somehow it always came out me  being wrong.
I don't even know if he knew he did that...
He was dominant in arguments and would make me feel like he could leave me but he didn't.
Like I could leave if I really thought it was so bad.
Subtle though.
                I'm not a quitter... I don't abandon people...
He didn't always say these things but they were implied.
               Did that just happen? 
He would lump me in with all counselors and psychologists, saying that I was like them, constantly flipping things around, switching the emphasis from myself to someone else.
That like them, I don't deal with my problems but I want to deal with the problems of others.
It felt like a dig at my chosen profession, but that I would only be good at because I was screwed up.
I almost wasn't going to apply to grad school because I doubted myself so much...
His anger was explosive and if it could switch onto you if you even looked at him.
It would switch to you anyway if you didn't engage in it.
He would tell me I didn't have any reason to be depressed, that his drug use hurt him more than it hurt me, that I just need to deal with tough love.
It was like I was selfish for wanting basic things a girlfriend wants.
"You want less than half of what girlfriends normally want and you just want a genuinely nice person that enjoys spending time with you." I remember that's what a friend told me when I asked her what was wrong with me...
He wouldn't be emotionally available to me, we couldn't talk about anything, and somehow he was the victim, but it always felt like somehow he would highlight that I was playing the victim and there was no reason for it.
He wasn't emotionally available, but he put in the effort and nothing is ever enough to me and he provides for me by giving me a place to live, food, paying for things.
                I didn't ask you to do all those things though, I just want you to love me. 
But he would tell me that he did those things because he loves me.
There was an excuse for his behavior.
I needed to learn to own up to mine and stop being avoidant.
There was an excuse for why he couldn't be as empathetic.
"Addiction is a disease. I'm trying."

                 Maybe nothing is happening... 
                             Maybe..... it's me......

I pretended to be upset that he headbutted me (it wasn't really hard) but you know, I wasn't.
That's how fucked up it must have been.
                  It won't happen again... It was just this once. 
I almost felt like I deserved it because I was in his face too and had been really bitchy during that argument.
"Oh, and it was your fault he washed his crank too, right?" My friend's voice echos in my head.

                  Let him go....

Why can't I just let him go?
Why does it hurt so much?
Am I an awful person? A selfish bitch?

It should easy, right? I should be so fed up with everything that I shouldn't have just left, I should have changed my number, and let him and my dog go along with the good times mixed in there.
I'm happy with L. I'm happier than I have been in a long time.
I'm supported, appreciated, respected, loved, and adored.
WHY do I struggle?
I would take any advice just to understand... I just want someone to make sense of why I feel like I do...

                   What's wrong with me?

One ticket out of Stockholm, please.


  1. I'll be honest, I've known a few addicts and have probably crossed that line myself once or twice, but they can be crafty, and by that I mean manipulative. Mental and emotional abuse are what they are despite what you think you may have done to deserve it.... you don't deserve it. You're obviously very intelligent and capable of seeing it for what it really is, abusive, and you said it repeatedly.

    And finally, to answer your question, I don't think there's anything wrong with you. You're human, like the rest of us.

    1. I feel like hearing this from someone that has been nearly and addict helps, especially since you're a guy as well. I don't always feel intelligent and capable to see it for what it really is. I think sometimes I just have to tell myself that's what it is.

      Thanks. :) I'll keep reminding myself of that.

  2. Ryan stole my comment.
    Throughout reading this post, I kept thinking that it was abuse. The relationship you're in right now is a good one. In my honest opinion, I think you should let Tony go, entirely. Let him go, and let him work on being happy and okay. You work on being happy and okay, and whatever you want to work on with yourself.
    Once you both are in a better place, maybe... maybe you can reconnect with him as friends. But you both have some healing and some living to do. Letting him go doesn't mean that you will never see him again, it just means that you're choosing to heal and to live. It was an abusive relationship, because you both were struggling. There's no denying that. You took the first step to healing, which is getting out of that relationship. L is a good thing. Now you just have to keep going. I'm always here to talk, if you want. <3 Xx

    1. It's hard to let him go but I know you're right. It's that never seeing him again factor that totally gets me. It's just awful, in my mind. It's selfish of me for keeping him on the fence though. I just wish I could muster the strength to push him to his own side and not hurt him. Thanks girl. <3

  3. Firstly, very clever title!

    My heart aches reading this. Never doubt that your relationship with Tony was abusive. We both know how abusers work. It's hard to let go, and it'll be hard for a while. It's nothing wrong with you, it's just a very sad situation.

    I don't have any wonderful words of wisdom. I've never dealt with my own issues regarding abuse and Stockholm Syndrome, so I'm really not in a place to give advice, but please know you're in my thoughts.

    Love you dear *hugs* xx

    1. Thanks. :D

      Yes, and sometimes I doubt that he is. I feel like he doesn't even know he is all the time.
      It's hard to deal with these issues, really.

      I love you too! <3

  4. I can relate a lot to this post, my abuse wasn't from relationships but I understand the confusion of not understanding why it is hard to let go of something so fundamentally tainted and flawed. I wish I knew how to help more, but you have my support, message any time you need to, and know we all love you to the moon and back xxx

    1. It really is and I hate it... You almost need people to tell you what's wrong so that you can see it too.
      Thanks love. It really means a lot! I love you oodles!

  5. Oh deary, I remember those feelings. It's really hard to see abuse for what it is, that's why it's so damn tricky to get out of. It undermines your ability to trust your intuition. Abusers sound like everything they say is perfectly reasonable, so it throws you into confusion/guilt/doubt. That's their evil superpower. However, for me, once I was out of the relationship, it is easy to see how truely fucked up and twisted things were. You deserve so so so much better ok? Loves you! HUG HUG HUG.

    1. Haha evil superpower. It really is! I feel like for me, I see it in moments of clarity and then I'm back to doubting. It's like a cycle, you know? I think it helps that now and then I get snippets of the truth and that kind of shocks me, like hearing he was seeing some girl for months before we broke up.
      Ok :D
      I loves you lots too!

  6. It takes time to get over someone you've spent so much time with. You're used to Tony, and now you suddenly need to be unused to him. I do think it's a bit unfair to L, but if he's willing to help you through it, take the help.
    Getting over someone takes a lot of time, but it's only time. Time will pass, and feelings will diminish.
    You are being so strong, you can keep it up. And all of us will be here when you need to vent about him.

    1. Yah, it's kind of weird getting unused to him. I know it's unfair to him and I've been really trying to make a mental effort to put his happiness before mine in this case and actually use him to help me. I think I miss the good times with Tony because we were such good hang out buddies. I feel like he was my best friend but in many ways he wasn't because I couldn't rely on him for emotional support so I guess it's kind of lopsided.

      Thank you. It really means a lot. :D

  7. If you think about it, it hasn't actually been that long, so it is no surprise that you are still feeling somewhat mixed about Tony. It takes time and you can't control the speed of your healing. That said, I do think it would really help everyone in the situation - you, Tony and L if you broke all ties with Tony. I realise it seems impossible, but the hardest thing is to do it, then once you have, it is easier I promise. It won't solve everything, but that way you will all know where you stand - continuing like this is just dragging out the inevitable and hurting all of you. You just have to build up the courage. As for the rest of it - you need to go easier on yourself. You're doing your best, these situations are complicated and you've already made the brave step of getting out of the relationship, so well done for that. Much love xxx

    1. You're right. You really are... I think I just hate that my mixed feelings have caused a lot of animosity from Tony towards me. I guess that's my own fault, of course. I could have prevented it by just breaking it clean off. Thanks a lot Milo. I'm really hard on myself so it just makes the whole thing harder.

  8. I'm terribly afraid of feeling satisfied, I don't think it works. If I would be happy and content, what would follow? Where would I go if everything just felt fine? That's my answer to your question, without knowing you.


    1. I think I worry about that a lot too. It's sort of like, what happens when I'm not uncomfortable? Would I still grow? Would I still do things? Discomfort has been what pushes me to change. Thanks for the answer. :)