Tuesday, August 20, 2013

A Day in the Life

I realized I've been talking a lot about my lifestyle change and that I'm going to work on recovery and no one probably knows what that entails. 
I didn't even really know what that entailed, to be honest. 
I figured it would probably pretty much involve me showing up to the gym like usual when my trainer told me that we were going to begin and then doing some stuff. 
I thought I could just slam some whey, eat some lean protein, eat a ton of veggies and some fruit, and call it good. 
Well, sort of. 
Turns out I do lots of limit testing and lots of eating and lots of learning to correct the negative and unhealthy thinking.
Emily also asked me interesting questions regarding all this and if it actually perpetuates my ED so I thought, why not make a post showing this side of things? 

Here's what I had to eat today. Turns out I'm supposed to eat 5 oz of the Greek yogurt but I thought it was three. Oh well. Stuff's expensive! 
I thought I would add some visual aids because I feel like I'm always thinking, "Man! I this is a lot of food!"  

Meal #1: 
1 egg
1/2 cup egg beaters (no cholesterol or bat fat, but all the protein) 
1/2 cup oatmeal
1 tsp olive oil 
Calories: 319
Protein: 21 grams
So much breakfast!

Meal #2: 
5 oz Fage Fat Free Greek yogurt
1 oz almonds, plain
1 apple 
Calories: 344
Protein: 21
3 oz of yogurt instead of 5

Post workout: 1/2 a poptart-simple sugars for quick energy (yes, it's allowed! :D) 
Calories: 140 (ish?)...the whole thing is 200
Ended up eating the last half later. oops :)

Meal #3: 
3 oz chicken breast 
4 oz Jasmine rice 
1/2 cup cucumbers sliced
Calories: 250
Protein: 27 grams

Meal #4 
3 oz Tuna, white, packed in water
2 oz brown rice
1/2 cup cucumber
Calories: 243
Protein: 26 grams
Forgot the cucumbers. Same amount as above

Meal #5:
1/2 cup Cottage Cheese, lowfat
Calories: 95
Protein: 14
I didn't think anyone needed a picture of this. I just dipped half a cup in the container and ate it out of that.

Total calories for the day: 1391
Total protein: 109 grams

Water: 83 ounces
I bought this huge, 50.7 ounce (liter and a half) smart water and just keep using it since it holds so much.
I usually drink 1 1/2 of this minimum 

I texted my trainer and said, "Why do I have to eat so much rice!?"
I mean, come on!
He said, "It's a complex carb that gives your body energy on a level plane. There are vitamins and minerals your body needs. And it's easy to prepare and stores well. And it digests really well."
Fair enough.

Mondays and Thursdays are my absolute favorite lifting days: Leg Day.
I do three reps of 12-10-8 of increasing weight each time and depending on what I want to do, I switch things up.
One thing to remember is that compound moves such as squats are better than always doing isolated moves like just extentions or just leg curls.
Today I did:
*Leg extensions (to warm up the quads)
*Squats with a plate-this means you have a 10 lb plate under each of your heels to elevate your butt a little and then you deep squat. Good stuff!
**Wide leg presses
Calves-no calf machine in this gym so I had to do them on the leg press. You turn you legs in, then out, then centered to get all the muscles. 12 reps each way.
*Sumo squats-upped it to 90 lbs!
*Donkey kicks (with cables)
*Weighted Lunges
*Bridges with the bar
*Ball squeezes (lay on your stomach on a bench with a huge ab ball between your legs and you lift up.)

So that's a little overview of a day in the life of the new strength training me.

I've struggled with trying to put words to the mental aspect of this.
I guess it's like anything you love doing, only it's somehow different.
The thing about people is that it doesn't matter what it is, we crave something to fill the holes and empty spaces inside of us.
We crave purpose.
We have a deep desire to become.
Lifting for me is a parallel of my mind.
Maybe that sounds weird, but when you begin, you start low.
Some muscle groups are stronger than others, obviously, but build.
Just like you learning to be healthy mentally.
You can't approach the bar intimidated.
You never go back from the place you started.
When I'm in the middle of a set and I'm trying to max out I get this momentary thought that I can't do it, it's too heavy, it's too hard, but I have to override that thought and put everything I have into pushing the weight.
It's kind of amazing, how much strength we have the capacity to possess.
I never want to quit though. I always want to increase the weight.
When I'm in the mindset you have to be in to be anorexic everything is fear oriented.
I'm anxious. I'm upset. I'm depressed.
NOTHING is ever good enough.
I guess what I've been learning is that it's okay to be proud of myself.
It's okay to be positive in regards to my strengths and it's okay to have weaknesses.

The down side is that I do still have the obsessive tendencies.
The ones that tell me I'm not good enough, that I should be squatting more, that my muscle definition isn't as good as I want to believe, that I'm big even though I'm not (I'm smaller actually), that I need to lower my overall body fat percentage.
I don't like rest days.
I don't like it when I'm not sore.
I get impatient that I'm not where I want to be yet.
My trainer reminded me constantly that it's the journey, not the destination.
I try to make a conscious effort to be kind to myself and to not turn to self-destruction and self-deprecation.
Why do I need to be in control of things all the time?
I don't.
The only control I really need to have is in the weight room.

I eat a lot. You can see from the pictures.
I asked my trainer about getting abs eventually and he told me I would have to eat even more than I'm comfortable with to have them.
Looking good doesn't come with punishment anymore.
The thing is, I never get hungry like I used to because I get to eat throughout the day, I don't get as many crazy cravings, I feel clean, and I look better than ever.
I get relieved looks now since moving back to college and I get told often how healthy and FIT I look.
I don't want to be hungry or empty anymore. Anorexia is just this black chasm I don't ever want to fall into again.
L and I talked about this spring and where we were in our lives and he said, "The thought of losing my bright-eyed girl to her inner demons is terrifying to me. I just...I don't know what I would do."
The fact that someone loves me enough to want the best for me and for the future is just, wow.
It's not just about me like I thought.
It hurts other people. I don't always know it, but it does.
We are selfish creatures though, so every day we have to work at it.

That's a little bit of a look inside my revamped life, intake, exercise, and all.
I feel like it's really hard for me to describe to you all what goes on in my mind.
All I know is that I want desperately to be better and to be healthy.
I seek failure daily so that I can be strong.
I do a lot more thanking and seeking God because when I gave up what I thought I had control over, I was blessed more than I could imagine.
Success and perceived perfection are addictions we chase.
I don't know why it's so easy to get hooked on hating ourselves and destroying the beauty we posses.
I don't know.
I'm far from where I should be, but I'm closer than I was yesterday.
I'm really nervous about school starting Monday because I worked really hard to be where I am mentally and it's a huge trigger being back.
Inadequate. Dumb. Imperfect. Too easy going for college. Procrastinator. Fat.
I don't want it.
Summer is always my favorite season because it's when good things seem to grow and flourish and you can take time for yourself.
I have to apply for my counseling masters program by October so I'm feeling a little intimidated by that as well.
Just gotta trust God and push through.

So, this is where I'm at. I'm sorry if it's not as structured.
Sometimes it's hard to truly grasp the changes in your life and growth that's taking place within.
I want to keep writing on here if nobody minds :) because I have found it's a great kind of therapy for me to write those story-like posts I do frequently and do some reflection. I like all the feedback and thoughts I get too.
I want to do a year's worth of progress on my training as well .
Plus, I would miss many of you that have shared your lives!

What do you like to do that does for you what lifting does for me? What's your passion?


  1. I love this post so much. Lifting is such a unique and positive lifestyle, I really envy those who lift like you do.

    I think lifting's actually a great way to re-direct a lot of anorexic obsessions into a healthier outlet, for lack of a better term. The careful diet, the exercise, it fills a need. That said, I know a guy who struggles with not being 'big enough' or 'lean enough', and often pushes himself to unhealthy extremes to try and make progress at the gym. I guess it's about being self-aware, and knowing what's best and what's harmful to you.

    Write here as long as you want, about anything you want. I follow your blog for you, and I love reading your posts :)

    Love you dear. Stay strong *hugs* xx

    1. It really is. I've noticed that people who love it REALLY love it and are all about it. I noticed though that rest days are not okay for me. Like the triggers are back hardcore and I get that body panic and food seems unclean if it's not on my routine menu. It does help me become self aware though.

      Thanks deary! I happen to love you and yours as well. :D

  2. You're amazing darling, definitely keep writing, I love your posts <3
    Alice xx

    1. Thanks dear! I appreciate it! <3

  3. Reading this has just blown me away at how strong you are, mentally and physically. You have come forward in leaps and bounds, and have so much to live for, and so much to offer. I can see that it is still a struggle, that you still have to really fight to be where you are, or where you want to be, but you give me so much inspiration that this is possible. Like L doesn't want to lose you to your demons, I guess I don't want to lose myself to mine. I can be selfish for once, right?

    One thing that struck me is that you say you eat a lot. I'm sure you feel like this, after anorexia, but really, when you think about it, it's not a massive amount, 1,391, when it's recommended women should eat 2,000. And you're doing weights on top of that, burning calories. It sounds a bit like ed thoughts might still be there, trying to tell you things that aren't 100% true. Keep fighting though, you've more than shown what you are capable of and I think it's just wonderful, I really do!

    I'm so incredibly glad that you want to keep writing, I would hate for you to stop, I'd miss you so much!

    Loads of love and big proud hugs xxx

    1. Thank you so much for your encouragement! I don't always feel strong. Often times I still feel like a little girl pretending she's an adult. It's sort of a scary feeling. It's truly a fight. Uphill. Into the snow. Some days I'm on top of the world and others, like yesterday, I just feel ashamed of my body, like it's not good enough. Yes, you definitely can be selfish, although I don't think it's that. :D

      It's really just a calculation of what your BMR is and mine sits about 1300. I need to go buy protein for after my work out. They definitely are there. They're only satisfied when I work out but if I take a rest day then I'm upset with myself, which doesn't make sense. It's really hard. Then, when I quit my position in the dorms, I was thinking how selfish I was and this and that and I had to tell myself it's being self aware, taking care of myself. It's really difficult. I know you struggle with that too.

      Love love love you deary! I have an equally large and proud hug for you!

  4. My friend I very much want to follow your blog but I can't seem to find a follower button? :) could you kindly let me know where it is?


    1. Well thank you :) I'm white flattered! It should be at the top right hand corner.

  5. Yay I'm so happy to see you making strides in your recovery. :) I'm so proud of you!!

    1. Thank you dear! I hope you're doing well too! <3