Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Old Things Whisper

I sat there after an hour and a half wasted arguing with the ex on the phone.
Pulled up the leg of my shorts to reveal the line of small scars running horizontal.
Six, I counted.
Running my finger up and down so that it stretched them.
Only two are most visible.
Sometimes I wonder if L's family notices them when we're at the lake.
Squish my skin together so that they make four indentions and two raises.
A time, not but months ago, when I thought I wasn't going to see the sunrise.

I thought about the conversation and I wanted to tear my skin off.
See that ugly inside.
We aren't going to talk anymore I guess.
Maybe I really am spiteful and maybe I hold a grudge, like he said.
Maybe I really am selfish, like he said.
I don't know.
I don't want to cut out that part of my life and I have to.
Why are we asked to give up such "valuable" things for the sake of better?

Knot in my throat.
Why does it hurt so much?
It's as though there's a tennis ball lodged in there.
Two tears slide down my cheeks.
Everything is too much.

Right now I'm taking 21 credit hours until the 19th.
Then it's down to 15.
The things we do to graduate on time.
I feel like I'm trapped inside my body pushing and straining to get out.
Looking around, there's so many people around me and where do I fit?
The stress is unbelievable, like a white hot light all day.
A sense of dread grows more and more every day.
Don't get behind. Don't get behind. Don't get behind.
My mind flirts with the idea of restricting again so that I can make all the pieces fit like last semester.
I hate this.
I hate college.
Why should people that have never met me and don't care about my hopes and dreams get to dictate who I am based upon a grade?
Hoop jumper, tell me the secret.

It's not fair.
It's not fair the way academia makes you want to harm yourself.
Never good enough.
Let me out.
Never enough time.
Let me out.
Let me out.
Wake up early, go to bed late.
Let me out.
More, more, more.
I can't give more!

You could if you came back.
Just one semester.
Or until you're done with grad school.
You're only a few months into real recovery anyway.
You could have the world again.

I just want to be happy.
Go away.

You broke his heart.
You lied.
You cheated.
You walked away without giving him a chance.
You could have done that assignment instead of watching Netflix.
You worked out for too long and now you have to wake up earlier tomorrow.
You never come through when you make your list; there's always something left.
You keep talking to him, stringing him along.
If only you were a better student and maybe a better person...
There's a way, you know.

I don't know how to stay afloat but I try.
I know I don't have some worthwhile thing to say but I want to write.
That itch is back.
It started today, when I felt my spine out of reflex.
It grew to feeling my stomach, thinking about what I ate and compared it to how much homework I had gotten done.
It starts when old things whisper.


  1. You're not selfish, that's caring for yourself when you walk out from a relationship where you don't feel good anymore. And in there you gave him many changes, he just didn't care about those changes - he didn't care about you enough to listen what you need and give that/or he wasn't able to give that. So let them whisper honey, it takes a huge amount of strength to fight those bitches but you can win them. You must.

    A lot of love, Eve.
    Put your boxing gloves on and fight it.
    Love you xx <3

    1. I felt guilty because he cares now. :/ Then I talk to him and that gives him false hope. I end up feeling selfish...
      You're right. Weights before restriction.

      I love you too girl :D

  2. I agree with Tatyana - sounds like you gave him many chances Eve. He had choices and you are not responsible for his choices with the chances you gave him.

    And wow on taking 21 credit hours...I did that once. Make sure to drink lots of coffee :)

    P.S. I am now following!

    1. Very true but hard to remember.
      Um, yes, it's something like hell. I can't wait to be back down to five classes.

      Well thank you! I'm quite flattered. :D I enjoy you're posts so I'm following you as well.

  3. You've been under a lot of stress lately, and I'm glad you're not going back to restricting. Keep away from it as much as you can! Getting though the hard times will be much easier without being starved. Especially if you're worried about grades- no one can learn without feeding her brain :)
    I'm kind of disillusioned with college right now too. I mean, I love being here, but school just feels so superficial right now. It's not like anything from an undergrad education in psychology is going to apply when we're out dealing with patients.
    Anyway, I want you to know that I might not understand it all but I'm trying and I care about you. Every day is a new day, and each day can be great.

    1. Nope, it's really not. We basically got BS degrees that we could have read about in books for free..
      thanks girl. that means so much to me. You give me really good input, which I need.

  4. I can sense that you feel so much guilt in this post, and it breaks my heart for you.

    Please don't feel guilty.
    Please don't think it is your fault.
    Please don't blame yourself.
    Please look after yourself.

    Everything happens for a reason. God has meant for this to happen to the both of you, for a reason, and I believe that reason is that He has better things in store in the future.

    Please stay strong. You deserve so much more XXX

    1. I'm really trying because I know that He meant better things for me. I just wish I had done some thing different or better for him. I don't know..

  5. You gave him choices. More choices than he probably deserved, but you shouldn't regret walking away. Focus on you, on being happy. Don't restrict, because that is not the way to go and you have come so far. Look at the strength you now possess. Don't take it away. Just be careful and take care of yourself. Love you. Xx <3

    1. You're absolutely right. Just way stressed and down. Things were hard and I just struggle feeling guilty for the way people feel. I end up making a bigger mess trying to fix things. <3

  6. Hey Eve, this song made me think of what you have been going through and writing about xx

    1. This was really, really fitting. Thank you. :D