Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Try a Little Harder

Imagine a day when you felt the beauty you hoped to radiate.

My first day of work as a cook in an assisted living facility for the elderly went well. My supervisor told me that I was really fun to work with and picked up everything quickly. After supper was served my supervisor made a plate since cooks are allowed to eat for free.
"Aren't you going to eat anything?"
"Nah, I'm fine!"
"You sure? We're just going to have to throw some of it away."
"No really, I'm not even hungry."

You're so fat. You had five bites of the breakfast burrito, then you made some oatmeal and had a pear before work, then you had a little spoon of frosting you made for the dessert, four strawberries, and then you had a few bites of the supper. Don't even get me started on the Special K protein bar you had on your break.

I'm sorry... I can't get any smaller... I'm trying so hard...
Fat. Whore. Ugly. 

Then I went to my grandma's to get some shoes and had a big bowl of ice cream to fight off the PMS sweet tooth. Then four pieces of chocolate. Purged. I already knew I was going to because I have been a very gluttonous person today.
Came home.
I could barely undress myself to shower because I was so ashamed of my body.
I'm bloated because my period is coming. I was standing and doing things all day so it wasn't like I didn't burn calories. Anything eaten was in bites except for the 1/4 cup oatmeal and 2 tablespoons of PB2.
Tony came home and asked me if I was hungry just as I got out of the shower.
"I don't think so. I feel really fat today."
"Of course you do. You always do."
Argument because I didn't want anything, argued further because I told him I didn't want to ask him for anything and that I don't ask anyone for anything when I need things because I don't want to burden anyone.   
He told me we shouldn't even be dating if that's how it is and that why am I even his girlfriend if I don't let him do anything?
Then he left to take back a tool to his friend's and work on his car.

I wasn't going to eat. I swear I wasn't... I'm sorry... I felt hungry. I think.
You're weak. You're weak and you're pathetic. Ugly. 
I made a little bowl of veggies and then a can, a CAN of peaches. When they were canned it was in Splenda water syrup whatever. I put them in a colander and rinsed them just in case.
A can. You should be so ashamed. That's why you can't lose anymore weight. You eat things. You eat things and then you take rest days from the gym. 
But I was so sore.. I'm so sorry.. I just couldn't do it this morning.

You poor thing. You are not a flower nor a skeleton. I don't know what you are but you fill yourself up  thinking you'll be empty. You're still empty but it's not your body. 

I feel so ashamed...
I upped my cardio time and now I burn 500 calories every time and then go on to weights.
My protein intake has been terrible and has been in beans or a handful of nuts, the usual stupid peanut butter binge topped with honey.

How do you sleep living in the skin you're in? 

I barely can.
In fact, I just had some more peanut butter and honey when I went to take my antibiotic.
I can't win. I always give in.
You can't be trusted in the kitchen. 
You can't be trusted at restaurants. 
You can't be trusted to be strong and say no. You always choose the temporary feel good thing. 
I want so desperately to unzip my skin and step out in the tiny body I should have. I want tout. I can't live in my skin.
Things were going better for maybe two weeks and the scale won't go down. It reads "fat, fat, fat" every time I weigh. Every time.

I don't want to eat anymore. I want to work out until there is no fat left to stick to my insides. It's suffocating.
You're weak. 
I don't want to be anymore.
I can't trust myself to be around food.
I don't want to leave my job because maybe I'll eat at home.
I don't want to leave the gym because if I'm not burning calories then I'm a waste of space.
Try harder . 
No one cherishes excess skin. 

There's so much of me...
You can't really ever stop hearing that voice and escape the disordered behavior.
I just want to lose six or seven pounds, so let's see if I can. I just want that insulting voice and the feeling of failure to stop.
Better work hard. No one believes you. 
I can't let myself down, not this time.
Or at least that's what you think it feels like. 


  1. Congratulations on the new job! I start a new one tomorrow and I'm super nervous. I had an interview today and they must have thought I was okay because they said I could start tomorrow.

    I have been eating a whole bunch lately, I can't even believe myself. I almost finished off a whole box of wheat thins today. I know they are wheat "thins" but only if you don't eat the box!

    I wish you the best, and I know your skin is beautiful! I'm so glad you did great on your first day!

    1. I hope it went well dear!

      Those are sooooooo good though. I can't even buy them or I'll eat them! I don't think there's a thin about them haha. They're width, not mine.

      Thank you so much dear. I'm struggling.

  2. Oh sweetie, so many of these voices ring familiar to me too. But you have to believe me when I say, none of those things are true. You are beautiful and loved, and you are by no means fat.

    And you should definetely try making layer cakes. They surprisingly easy too. One hint is to bake the cakes at a slightly lower temperature for slightly longer, and the tops of the cakes will be flatter and easier to stack. Fill & frost them with ganache or frosting, or even things like caramel, and voila! They're my newest baking obsession :)

    Love you dearly sweetheart. You're awesome and I love you, and don't listen to the voices that tell you you aren't. *hugs* xx

    1. I'm trying but it feels that way. I can't even think about food without guilt.. today was even worse for the insulting voice.

      I should try that soon! If I do I'll take a picture to who you.

      thank you so much for always supporting me when I'm struggling. It's ridiculous I feel this way but it feels so strong, the fear. I also love you my dear. <3

  3. Congrats on the new job! Really.
    I am so sorry that you have to hear those things every day, and that you and Tony fight about it too. It shouldn't be like that.
    From what it seems like, you work out a lot and you don't really eat all that much. Don't ever think that you're fat. You're beautiful. I know you won't believe me, but trust me, it's true. I only wish you could see it.
    I hope things get better soon. Hang in there. You can do it. Xx

    1. Thank you! And I don't know, it's just my negative thoughts and then it leeches into my relationship.
      Thank you so much for the encouragement. :) <3

  4. Congratulations on the new job!
    I know what it's like to want to break free of your own skin. It's not a great feeling.
    You are beautiful and don't let the ugly voices tell you any different.

    1. Thanks! It's a pretty great place to work so far. :D

      I really appreciate that. I don't feel it, but the encouragement helps. <3

  5. I know what that voice inside your head can do to you so I can definitely sympathize with you :/ Hang in there you'll lose the weight :)

  6. Oh gosh, good luck on your new job! I know how hard it is to do things in food service when you're so focused on losing weight.
    What Tony said to you is interesting. I agree with your sentiment, but I also like that he got mad for it. He wants to be there for you. It's better than the alternative.

    1. It's going well so far! The 8 hours goes pretty quickly too. The only thing is sometimes my hips get sore but the atmosphere is good. I hope your job is going well girl!

      I do too. I guess I forget that he cares. He's rough on the outside but nice in there.

  7. Unfortunately it really doesn't stop, that little voice. 8 months into recovery, it's still there, shouting at me that people are going to think a whale washed up on the beach when I go out in a bikini. No amount of training or healthy eating is going to shut that voice up. But if I can make her quiet down, it's a start. You can drown things out. Reading the last part of this was like reading myself a year or two ago. I love you hon, stay strong.

    1. No, it doesn't. I was recovered from 18-21. 22 inspired relapse. Here we are. It will be a struggle for life for us.
      I love you lots too girl. <3

  8. At least your new job is going well! Sorry the voices are so present at the moment, maybe just try and concentrate on remembering that it's entirely your eating disorder talking and not you, it's trying to pull you down, you have to fight, don't let it win! Are you in any sort of treatment at the moment? xxxxx

    1. I am not. I never went to treatment. Almost. 1/4 of a pound. Why that amount and not treatment I will never know. I attribute recovery to God and really nothing else. I can still remember the day I looked in the mirror and saw myself bony and deathly looking. I feel too fat for treatment now...

    2. Just found this, sorry. You definitely are not too fat for treatment, just because you are at a 'healthy' weight doesn't mean that you are healthy and the professionals know that. I do think that treatment could help you, but it can take a long time to feel comfortable enough to open up and let it help you when you've never been there before. Also, I don't know what your financial situation is and I know it can be expensive in America. But even with treatment, therapists are there to help you to fix yourself, the hard work has to come from you, so I guess it's possible to do it without. You are doing the fighting you need to xx