Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Try a Little Harder
Imagine a day when you felt the beauty you hoped to radiate.
My first day of work as a cook in an assisted living facility for the elderly went well. My supervisor told me that I was really fun to work with and picked up everything quickly. After supper was served my supervisor made a plate since cooks are allowed to eat for free.
"Aren't you going to eat anything?"
"Nah, I'm fine!"
"You sure? We're just going to have to throw some of it away."
"No really, I'm not even hungry."
You're so fat. You had five bites of the breakfast burrito, then you made some oatmeal and had a pear before work, then you had a little spoon of frosting you made for the dessert, four strawberries, and then you had a few bites of the supper. Don't even get me started on the Special K protein bar you had on your break.
I'm sorry... I can't get any smaller... I'm trying so hard...
Fat. Whore. Ugly.
Then I went to my grandma's to get some shoes and had a big bowl of ice cream to fight off the PMS sweet tooth. Then four pieces of chocolate. Purged. I already knew I was going to because I have been a very gluttonous person today.
I could barely undress myself to shower because I was so ashamed of my body.
I'm bloated because my period is coming. I was standing and doing things all day so it wasn't like I didn't burn calories. Anything eaten was in bites except for the 1/4 cup oatmeal and 2 tablespoons of PB2.
Tony came home and asked me if I was hungry just as I got out of the shower.
"I don't think so. I feel really fat today."
"Of course you do. You always do."
Argument because I didn't want anything, argued further because I told him I didn't want to ask him for anything and that I don't ask anyone for anything when I need things because I don't want to burden anyone.
He told me we shouldn't even be dating if that's how it is and that why am I even his girlfriend if I don't let him do anything?
Then he left to take back a tool to his friend's and work on his car.
I wasn't going to eat. I swear I wasn't... I'm sorry... I felt hungry. I think.
You're weak. You're weak and you're pathetic. Ugly.
I made a little bowl of veggies and then a can, a CAN of peaches. When they were canned it was in Splenda water syrup whatever. I put them in a colander and rinsed them just in case.
A can. You should be so ashamed. That's why you can't lose anymore weight. You eat things. You eat things and then you take rest days from the gym.
But I was so sore.. I'm so sorry.. I just couldn't do it this morning.
You poor thing. You are not a flower nor a skeleton. I don't know what you are but you fill yourself up thinking you'll be empty. You're still empty but it's not your body.
I feel so ashamed...
I upped my cardio time and now I burn 500 calories every time and then go on to weights.
My protein intake has been terrible and has been in beans or a handful of nuts, the usual stupid peanut butter binge topped with honey.
How do you sleep living in the skin you're in?
I barely can.
In fact, I just had some more peanut butter and honey when I went to take my antibiotic.
I can't win. I always give in.
You can't be trusted in the kitchen.
You can't be trusted at restaurants.
You can't be trusted to be strong and say no. You always choose the temporary feel good thing.
I want so desperately to unzip my skin and step out in the tiny body I should have. I want tout. I can't live in my skin.
Things were going better for maybe two weeks and the scale won't go down. It reads "fat, fat, fat" every time I weigh. Every time.
I don't want to eat anymore. I want to work out until there is no fat left to stick to my insides. It's suffocating.
I don't want to be anymore.
I can't trust myself to be around food.
I don't want to leave my job because maybe I'll eat at home.
I don't want to leave the gym because if I'm not burning calories then I'm a waste of space.
Try harder .
No one cherishes excess skin.
There's so much of me...
You can't really ever stop hearing that voice and escape the disordered behavior.
I just want to lose six or seven pounds, so let's see if I can. I just want that insulting voice and the feeling of failure to stop.
Better work hard. No one believes you.
I can't let myself down, not this time.
Or at least that's what you think it feels like.