Sunday, May 12, 2013

Bottle Bottoms and Bathroom Floors

I'm going to start out this post with a disclaimer. It's gonna be long. It's gonna messy.
This is sort of a therapeutic post for me because it was a really just... I don't know.
Ready?
I get into town at about 6:30 to see my best friend and I brought the cupcakes and huge bottle of moscato (her favorite) to do a little early birthday celebration. First we head to the mall though and find her a shirt she can wear to the concert/paint party at this bar the next day. It's been a long drive for me and she worked all day so we're thinking stay in, but her roommate invites us out to a party and after two glasses of moscato each we're thinking going out sounds like a fantastic idea! Me saying this already should have you face palming. I had a feeling something was going to happen and of course I don't heed my usually always right intuition.
Dress on, hair half up, not really any effort into my appearance but I look decent.
I'm face palming myself right now because I'm so embarrassed... ughh
Okay.
We get some Bacardi and cranberry juice and head to the house. I'm tipsy and a social butterfly sober as it is so I'm especially easily assimilating into the group I've never met at this point. We all form a circle and play three rounds of tippy cup which has me drunk. Her roommate dumped a crap ton of liquor in my cup at about the second round so about thirty minutes to an hour later I'm slipping further and further into no inhibition drunkenness  Not just the regular drunkenness  This guy keeps talking to me and he's really attractive and we're talking piercings and tattoos.
Ugh....
Stop.
Just stop. That's what I'm telling my memory right now. I need a freaking rewind button.
We sit down and talk and I think making out comes up in the conversation but for the life of me I really don't know who had that grand idea. He takes my hand and takes me up the stairs and over to a bedroom. The lights are off, I'm up against the wall making out with him. I think he's good, so at least that's the only positive we can pull from this... All of a sudden he's leading me to the bed and..
Fuck.
No we didn't fuck but we did stuff.
I don't know HOW it happened. I literally don't know how. He didn't force me but I don't even feel like I was inhabiting my body.
I came out, went to the bathroom, and had a mental I don't even know what to call it.
Pause for funny moment, there was no toilet paper so I used the shower curtain. I told my best friend the next day and she said she used the rug. WTF haha
Came out of the bathroom and sat on the couch. Her roommate's friend, the one we rode with, comes over and sits by me. I don't know where the guy went or even where my best friend or her roommate are but I think he can tell I'm really starting to get upset. He asks what's wrong and I tell him that I want to go home and so he rounds the girls up and we get in the car.
Cue freak out.
And a rewind.
Two or three days ago the bf and I had sex and it has been a while so it was a little painful. TMI, don't care. We did a position that he likes and I just did it because that was his favorite and I was done anyway. After, he asked me why I didn't say something because he would have. For whatever reason this triggered me and brought me back to when I talked to someone about my sexual abuse and that it was 7 years of it and they told me "why didn't you say something? I would have." I was starting to tear up and T thought it was him, I tried to explain it was sort of a trigger back to when people found out and the whole thing was sort of awkward and emotional and we didn't really talk about it and he didn't want me to explain (which I think is because he felt bad it triggered me and anger is usually how he reacts when he can't do anything to help) so I mentally had to calm myself down. I don't know why it happened. I have managed to hold the backlash feelings from my sexual abuse down for my entire life and little things are just popping the seams in spots.
Fast forward.
We get in the car and tears are starting to roll down my cheeks. I'm looking at the window and all I can remember thinking was that I was a fat, stupid whore and that I let things happen to me because that's what I'm good for. I kept asking myself why I don't just say no and the best way I can describe it to people that have never been sexually abused is that you feel a sense of obligation and nervousness that makes no sense. I don't owe anyone anything. You just do it. I don't know how to describe it. You go into a different place. Like your mind turns off and your body just does things. There's no other way to describe it. So I realize all this again and it's another trigger. My best friend is in the back seat asking me what's wrong and I'm trying to control my voice saying nothing. She's being obnoxious about me having something mysterious wrong though and tears are coming bigger and faster. I'm not making any noise as I cry. That's what was strange. Her roommate's friend reaches over and he grabs my hand and holds it as we drive home. Her roommate asked me what's wrong and from the back seat I hear my best friend answer, "She's just a bitch." I look over at her friend and tell him quietly that I'm so sorry over and over and he just starts to stroke my hand.
Home.
Thank God.
We get out, my best friend goes into the house and they both stand next to me and ask what's wrong. I tell them I was sexually abused and I'm just having some PTSD. No biggie/I'm sorry/I'm embarrassed. I don't know what else to call it besides PTSD. It's not quite, but it's something. They don't pry, they don't say anything but that it's okay and I don't need to keep apologizing and we go in. I thought I would be embarrassed to see her roommate the next morning but she acted like nothing happened and was cool. I'm hoping her friend won't care either because they're cool people and I was ashamed.
They head to another party and I go into the bathroom, sink to the floor, and start sobbing.
I haven't felt that much self hatred for a while. I'm not a self harmer, but if I wasn't as drunk as I was I would have went to the kitchen to get a knife. It scares me how intensely I wanted to hurt myself for what happened. Not even taking my abuse into account. Just purely upset and angry. I forget her other roommate is home and she opens the door and asks if I'm okay. Same answer. Then I tell her I'm sorry, she tells me that it's okay and she goes back to bed.
I'm scrolling through my phone looking for someone to be my 3 am call because I'm going to hurt myself. I literally want to kill myself for being a whore and I'm not kidding you.
No answer. No answer. No answer.
Finally, the fourth person I call, who I always call, my guy friend M answers.
I'm sobbing, he's asking questions and listening, giving advice now and then when needed, and talks to me until I calm down. I feel so bad for her roommate because a wall separates their rooms and I'm sobbing. I haven't sobbed that hard in God knows how long.
Finally, I pass out. I don't even hear her come home.
She didn't even remember that night really but said she called me a bitch because I wouldn't tell her what was wrong and she thought I was mad at her. Told me she loves me. That stuff.
I don't even really remember the night. I've never but maybe one other time been unable to clearly remember. I've been pass out drunk and remembered everything perfectly but this time was different...
Don't tell me to break up with the bf.
I know.
Don't tell me I'm a whore.
I know.
I can't even process why that happened or how but it was such an intensely triggering moment I swear to you I would have let myself bleed on that bathroom floor and I don't know why.
It's really uncharacteristic of me.
For once, my amazing analytical powers can't quite wrap themselves around the moment. I wasn't forced or anything. I was a robot. I, I don't know.
Saturday went great, concert was fun, although I've got some bruises. It's a rock concert though. :D We got the front by some magic, which is a trend for me. If you want front row, I'm your girl. Like the lucky charm of concerts. Seriously!
The paint party was really fun and we didn't even get drunk.We even met a group of guys that were really cool and danced with us and weren't trying to be all over us. Just honestly fun people.
Bed.
Got up, called and wished mom a happy mother's day (we're getting ice cream later) and drove home.
Look, I don't always get into these situations when I drink. Most of the time it's been regular fun and dancing and then go home and sleep it off. No regrets. The last three times I've had guys want me and been extremely flirty. Saying I should have a boyfriend should be coming out of my mouth, whether we're on thinning strings or not. It doesn't though because I don't intend anything to go anywhere. I don't even need the affection or attention. It just happens. I'm a good flirter and sometimes I forget flirting is actually supposed to go somewhere. Well, it doesn't have to, but it has lately. I'm also fun to be around, I would like to, without being full of myself, say. I don't mind talking with new people, I have that light, carefree feel, and I'm easy to get to know and get along with. My best friend gets jealous of me and says all the guys like me because I'm skinny and I've tried so hard to explain to her that a.) no, peel back my layers and you'll see there's some issues there and b.) I'm fun.
I tell her people are just drawn to other people that appear to not care what others think and look like they have fun, talk to people easily, and smile/joke a lot. I really think she would get more guys by not caring. Yes, she's heavier. She's so pretty though. Beautiful even! The fact is that I make her insecure and that makes me insecure because I take people with me. I was the friend that would do anything to bring my friends to my level if I got better in something. I want to make my friends better people. The only thing I can say in the end is eat clean and work out for the body you want. I have a disorder and I may look great on the outside but inside shit's a mess I'm still trying to organize.
So there you have it. I'm gonna be doing some reflection for a bit because wow. Two triggers and a mishap in the span of a week. Doesn't ever happen to me and it's time to pry a little deeper, maybe. I need a healthy mind and I need to heal from my abuse.
I hope you guys have had a fantastic weekend! <3 

20 comments:

  1. Such a great post, and I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets drunk and does things she shouldn't do. Last Thursday I woke up and went to an AA meeting, then I went to the school and hung out for a little bit. Then there was party on the field, and despite the fact that I make really bad decisions when I drink, the alcohol was free so I got plastered and well the night went sour and I scared a really hot guy away lol. By the time we got to the bar I was extremely drunk and then we went back to his house, then mine, and I couldn't find my keys and I said a lot of things about my past that should never come out of my mouth ever!

    I can't believe they didn't have toilet paper! Who doesn't stock up on toilet paper if they are going to have a party because everybody is going to be peeing so much! They are going to need some good old fashioned toilet paper!

    Sorry about the guy thing too; you are not a whore! It happens to the best of us, and never think that you are a whore! Men do it all the time and nobody judges them lol.

    The paint picture is so cute and I love it! Also, don't be embarrassed about crying and getting emotional. We all deserve to have our moments!

    I love you and keep strong; don't worry about what other people think because they don't have to live our lives, we do.

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    1. I've had one of those moments too. You just look back and cover your face and just Ahhh lol.

      I know! And why did I use the shower curtain? I don't haha but it happened!
      I guess so.. I just hope I didn't look like an entirely crazy girl!

      I love you too girl! Thank you so much for your encouragement. It really means a lot.

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  2. I understand darling, that's a lot to process and work through. I've been on the bathroom floor many times and I'm so thankful you got in contact with someone, that's so huge <3
    Drunk, sober, whatever, I've experienced what you were saying or describing -that obligation, your mind shuts off. It is hard to explain but I do the same thing when I'm with guys, I hate it. No doubt what it's caused from, you're not alone.
    My heart really goes out to you, hope you are taking care.
    Love you xx

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    1. I'm so glad someone else understands! If you try explaining that people look at you like they really can't understand and it makes you feel even more powerless and worthless!
      Thank you so much for the comment. It's comforting when you're not alone in it.
      Love you too girl

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  3. Someone doesn't have to "force" you for it to not be ok. Regardless of the details of that experience, it also doesn't make you a whore.

    Take a look here:
    http://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2009/11/12/meet-the-predators/

    Predators are skilled manipulators choose people who don't have a voice, who won't be listened to, (or who are too impaired to figure out what they're doing) or who don't know how to speak up. As a child you were chosen because you wouldn't be able to tell, because someone else is a sick fuck. That is NOT your fault. (I'm sure the "I would've told" person wasn't trying to blame you, but the ignorance of it still pisses me off)

    Don't take this as pity, just... I know what it's like to feel so lost, and I'm sorry you're in that place right now. Life is messy. Healing abuse wounds is messy. You're stopping to process what's going on in and around you, and that is a good thing. Take care.

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    1. Thank you. Really. I just am hard on myself...
      I know it's not pity and it means a lot you commented. I don't like feeling isolates because of this. I'll check that blog out! <3

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  4. Wow.
    That sounds like a really intense weekend/week.
    At least you've gotten through it though. I can't say that I've been there and that I know how you feel. But I can say that it takes a lot of strength to get through that. Your strength simply amazes me.
    I have been in that low place though, feeling lost. I have been there. But you will get through it, and I'm here to support you in any way that I can. I've read the above comments, and they've all said what I basically wanted to say, only I'm bad with words.
    But we all make stupid mistakes, and all we can do is learn from them. Which is something that you seem pretty good at. I'm sorry that I can't be of much help, though I'll do anything that I can. Xx

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    1. Hey, your support means a lot so thanks girl. I love you lots.

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  5. So you made a mistake while tipsy. People do things like that. It's up to you what you make of it. I would be less forgiving of myself than most, but each person knows their own limits and how they can expect themselves to act in situations like that.
    I hope you and Tony can find a way to be honest with each other. It seems like you need someone who can ask the harder questions and let you explain and talk when you need to. It might not even have to be Tony, just someone you can confide in to help you get back on track. And then you would be able to enjoy more time you spend with Tony.
    Anyway, that's just an idea.
    As for flirting, I totally hear you. Whenever I'm out dancing I make sure not to let slip that I have a boyfriend. I definitely don't want to cheat on him or anything, but the fun of flirting comes from being free. Mostly it works out and no one is led on, but a few times people have asked for my number and I just don't know what to say. "I have a bf" doesn't occur to me because I've been keeping it out of my personality for the evening.

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    1. It's true! You're not intending anything and you're not trying to act single. You're just having fun then plan on going home and chilling out, no new guy.
      You're right. Tony and I are at the end anyway you know? So it's in a weird area and I need to confined in someone.

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  6. Hello my fellow ENFP (I am visiting from Sara's blog and I just saw your comment on the personality test post). I really enjoyed reading this. I imagine this must have been very cathartic writing? I admire your candor and openness my friend.

    ~Keith

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    1. ENFPs unite :)
      Yes, but it's good to open yourself up sometimes. :)

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  7. Mistakes, people make them but many times they also bring up many good things with them. It looks like for you it opened up some new path to your own past again - I know, it suck, just the moment you think you were done with it, it comes back to hunt you. I also get that another place where you just do it without real presence... it's not your fault and it's just your self protection mechanism which has gone a little bit wrong. It hurts so bad in the moment when you cry about it but I really hope you got to experience also the empty peace crying brings.

    <3

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    1. I sport of did hut it was the messy crying so not as much closure. Usually I never cry so some is better than none.

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  8. Just from the way you write I want to be your friend, lol, I totally get what you are talking about:) Cute pics, LOVE the piercings!

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    1. Well we definitely can!
      Thanks dear!

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  9. Wow, this is the first post of yours that I've read and I don't know you, so I probably shouldn't be commenting but I just want you to know that I think you are so strong even just to still be here fighting after all of that! I can't say that I understand everything that you said, but we all do stupid things and we can't always explain it. Sometimes we know we're doing something stupid whilst we're doing it, yet we still can't seem to stop! And you are so brave to have made that phonecall - be proud of yourself for that.
    And as a random aside, my housemate would be so jealous of that Captain America top :P

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    1. You are welcome to comment any time! I love it! Thanks so much! You just gotta get back up. :)
      Your roommate has awesome taste!

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  10. At least you didn't end up fucking your best friends big brother on her bed. Oh the bright side.:P
    I used to do it all the time, get drunk, hook up with random strangers (not necessarily doing them but pretty idiotically close), the works and then spend the rest of the night crying in the bathroom at a friends party.
    All I can say is "Shit Happens." *Big Hug*
    Also on another note the thing that bothers me the most about my sexual abuse was I never said No, ever. I never said yes either, but I never said No. It sucks because somehow in the back of my mind, I know what I said wouldn't have made a difference but I cant help thinking it would have

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    1. Ha! Oh yes. You know, sometimes we're the ones saying, "at least you aren't that guy" and sometimes you're that guy.
      I feel like I identify with you a lot though. I mean, they say you usually go to one extreme or the other and I took the slut tendency route, sad to say.
      I didn't always say no either. Sometimes you can't find your voice. That's okay. It's not okay it happened, I mean, but it's okay to admit you felt like you didn't know what to do.
      <3

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