Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Beautiful



"Just as beautiful as you are 
It's so pitiful what you are"


"We are never going to work! You know why? Because I admit I have a problem! You don't! You live in denial!"
"I told you I have a problem, I don't deny that!"
"Yah, but you want me to give up drugs, something that I've struggled with long before you came along, and you're unwilling to get better too." 
Silence.
"I accepted that you do it and I've left you alone!" 
"I don't want you to accept it! I just want you to stop arguing with me about it! You exhaust me! I'm trying to sober up and then I've got your starving bull shit to worry about too!"
"I told you it's my problem and I let you deal with yours."
"I do because I love you but it's getting old." 
I look at the ground, look into his blue eyes which reveal he used again today, then dart them back down at the floor. 
He's right. 
"I miss the girl I started dating. I don't know who you are anymore, and if you don't figure it out soon, we're done." 

"Your insecurities are concealed by your pride
Pretty soon your ego will kill what's left inside" 

I ate last night after our hour and a half argument when he went in to shower as a sort of token white flag.
The scale was up again today. 
Always up. Never down. 
It could be because I haven't been drinking much water at work. 
Or burning 500 calories every day at the gym with working every day. I'm on my feet for 8 hours... I'm sorry, I just get so sore in my hips. 
Do muscles retain water when they're sore to repair? I lifted really good yesterday for leg day. 
I don't know but I do know I just need a little loss. 
I shouldn't feel this way though! I'm getting so toned! I'm actually getting a body to be proud of! 
Instead, I feel shame putting on my clothes every day...

"Visually you're stimulating to my eyes
Your Cinderella syndrome, full of lies"

Things don't feel right anymore. 
If I'm not at work or at the gym then I don't know what to do with myself. 
I have no emotions. Literally. When I do, they are sad or anger when we argue at night. 
He told me the only time he can get any response from me is when he actually attacks me in our arguments, otherwise I just stare off into space. 
Vacant. 
It's almost scary at this point. 
So you all wanna starve for the summer? This is what you can look forward too. It sickens me when girls name this thing "Ana" and "Mia" like they're people. 
They aren't there when you're frozen over without emotion.
Maybe this is a worthless post, but I just need to write for no other reason than to open myself up just a crack.


I wish I could unzip my skin. 
This time, to let the hurt out. 
This time, to feel something again. 

"It's so pitiful what you are
As beautiful as you are 
Should have seen this coming all along"



20 comments:

  1. I wish you the best. My life is not easy and I'm always struggling with alcohol because it "makes" things better. Which I know is a total lie, but when the shit piles up to the ceiling what are we to do but ignore it and have a drink, or starve ourselves, binge, anything to make us feel better.

    Stay strong through everything because I know you can because you are wonderful and powerful.

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    1. We face it, I suppose. That's the right thing to do anyway.
      Thank you dear. You are too. Don't forget that.

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  2. Hon are you coping from lack of feeling/emotions and relationship problems through your eating disorder? Helping to fuel it?
    I think with over-exercising our bodies seem to hang on to whatever we give them more, kind of like a survival state. Or it could be higher muscle mass that you are seeing on the scale? Idk maybe just some rest might help.
    Love you xx

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    1. Of course. I wouldn't know what to do with real emotions. They're terrifying and they all come at once! I don't know if it helps to fuel it though. It's just there.
      I think I'm seeing muscle mass honestly. They're getting really toned (not enough for my taste). Rest today and then I'll go after work tomorrow. I love you too dear. <3

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  3. Honey I'm sorry things are so hard with Tony right now. EDs put such a strain on relationships, for so many reasons. My ex-boyfriend once told me that when he looked into my eyes, all he saw was Anorexia, not me. I really hope things come to peace between you two soon; I hate to hear of you guys fighting all the time.

    Muscles can hold water and lactic acid and all that stuff while they're healing, I think. Would it maybe help to look at getting toned/shredded in a bulking & cutting way? I don't know *much* about bodybuilding, but I think you generally have to put on a bit of pudge along with the muscle, then lose the fat.

    Love you sweetie. Please try to stay safe, and stay sane. <3 xx

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    1. We are at a crossroads and maybe these things will tear us apart. We will always love each other and I think we'll always check on each other. Who knows. It all feels painful to some degree.

      I don't know much about that either since I just work out but I'll look into it. I figured they were just holding water for repair.

      I'm trying. I hope you are too lovely. I love you!

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  4. EDs are hard on relationships. A lot of things are.
    But the relationships are and were worth it, even if they fail in the end. You and Tony have gotten through a lot though, so I have faith that if you love each other, it'll pull through.

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    1. Exactly right. No matter what we'll love each other.

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  5. What ever this is it's not a worthless post. At least you got emotions in here... sorry for the things with Tony. I hope you guys could help each other because your problems are different. I wish I had something wiser to say but I really don't, but I've noticed this emotionless feeling is something that strikes me same time with summer. It's hard to feel peaceful and just slightly nice, happy etc. and I've noticed I've hard time recognizing these lighter feelings. Here I sense a bit of sadness, not overwhelming but just a little. So could it be that you're feeling something but it feels nothing after a storm?

    Also about that staring. It's good just to be and do nothing. We have way too much pressure to use every minute in our lives doing something... I hate that and I stare a lot walls too.
    <3 <3

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    1. You don't need anything wise to say. :) just having you support me is good enough dear.
      Summer is my happy time so I don't understand. I get that sad settling in feeling in the fall.. I'm trying to explore what it is but I can't even feel to explore. I just exist. Maybe you're right though. I've been going and going all semester and maybe nothing is a fine place to be for a minute to reboot.

      Lots of love dear! <3

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  6. Not a worthless post.
    The poetry is beautiful. Yours?
    I can relate to everything you've typed. Only you write more eloquently than I:)
    I wish I could help you.
    Sending you a hug<3

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    1. It is not. It's from the video I posted. Beautiful by 10 Years. They have fantastic lyrics in all their songs. Check them out if you haven't heard of them. I have written poetry on here.
      Making me blush. I'm not that eloquent :P I'm glad I'm not alone though.
      <3

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  7. I love the song! It sounds like you are going through a really tough time, I hope things start looking up for you very soon xx

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    1. Thanks dear. It's not terrible, just getting ahold of the depression can be hard. The relationship stresses me out because long term we may not be our happiest. I don't know. <3

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  8. This is in no way a worthless post.
    It makes me a little sad to see the problems that you are having with Tony. Simply because I want you to be happy. I don't want you to hurt, but I know there isn't much I can do about that, other than try to help where I can.
    You've had a lot going on recently, and I'm sure Tony has too. Maybe you should just try to take some time to yourself, just breathe. Maybe Tony also needs to take some time to himself.
    I really hope that things start looking up for you. Xx

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    1. It's hard but I need to pill it together and get my head out of my ass. No more fog. I'm trying to give him time and not eat all day so that we can together.
      <3

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    2. You can eat throughout the day, and you should. You shouldn't skip eating all day just so you can eat with him. Try eating smaller things through the day, and then dinner or whatever with him? Xx

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  9. Eve,

    Thanks so much for your kind comments. I am in legal trouble up to my eyeballs (because of a stupid DUI, my statement came today in the mail), no money to pay for fines, my boyfriend left me months ago (wouldn't blame him), school work is piling up and I am so far behind, my grandpa has cancer and will probably die (pancreatic cancer is one of the worst), and in these times of trouble my friends have dwindled, me and my mother fight constantly due to these problems. This luck, or grace, whatever anyone wants to call it doesn't get better. Today I discovered that chloroform is the best way to kill yourself, (sick, I know), but sometimes there is no way out of messes we have created. My mother is always up and down in her moods, last year we thought she was dead, and that threw me out of my body and mind, and on top of that most of my animals have died of old age lol, at once of course. People have been telling me for years now that it will get better, and I am having the worst string of bad luck. After one thing happens another follows. It makes my head spin so thank you again.

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    1. You know, I read your comment and I felt so sad... I know that it's terrible, this life. I've had a string of bad things from the time I was a kid to now. I thought sometimes that I would never seen the sun and there was always just something a little more. I would ask God why because I was at my breaking point. There's a never ending list of cliches to tell you so that maybe you'll fell better but they won't. The only thing I can say is that there are always pieces of hopes in the cracks. There are always simple blessings and things to appreciate. Always.
      The next order of business is to take the troubles as they come. For your fines, sometimes you can go to your county jail and you can sit the fines out. It's usually a few days but then you're done. That's how it is in my state, anyway.
      It's good he left you. You don't want a quitter, right? You want a man that supports you regardless.
      School work is always there... I just make lists and take it day by day. It's rough, but you just gotta make it to the next day.
      Cherish your grandpa in this time and remember that all of this trouble means nothing in the end. I understand family struggle and death is scary. My mom nearly died in a motorcycle accident last year. Scared me too! Animals dying sucks.. I grew up on a farm and so I've held my goat as she died, found my favorite chickens were carried off by coyotes, our piglets were killed by their mother often, dog got cancer and died, cat got electrocuted by a telephone pole she climbed. It never got easy to see my pets die or be killed. Just hold tight and appreciate everyone and everything now because this can't last forever. You're in my thoughts and prayers dear.

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  10. Oh my goodness, thank you so much for your comment. I hate to be such a downer, but sometimes it just seems like May is against me and I'm hoping June is a little better. I wish you the best with all of your stuff too.

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