"Just as beautiful as you are
It's so pitiful what you are"
"We are never going to work! You know why? Because I admit I have a problem! You don't! You live in denial!"
"I told you I have a problem, I don't deny that!"
"Yah, but you want me to give up drugs, something that I've struggled with long before you came along, and you're unwilling to get better too."
"I accepted that you do it and I've left you alone!"
"I don't want you to accept it! I just want you to stop arguing with me about it! You exhaust me! I'm trying to sober up and then I've got your starving bull shit to worry about too!"
"I told you it's my problem and I let you deal with yours."
"I do because I love you but it's getting old."
I look at the ground, look into his blue eyes which reveal he used again today, then dart them back down at the floor.
"I miss the girl I started dating. I don't know who you are anymore, and if you don't figure it out soon, we're done."
"Your insecurities are concealed by your pride
Pretty soon your ego will kill what's left inside"
I ate last night after our hour and a half argument when he went in to shower as a sort of token white flag.
The scale was up again today.
Always up. Never down.
It could be because I haven't been drinking much water at work.
Or burning 500 calories every day at the gym with working every day. I'm on my feet for 8 hours... I'm sorry, I just get so sore in my hips.
Do muscles retain water when they're sore to repair? I lifted really good yesterday for leg day.
I don't know but I do know I just need a little loss.
I shouldn't feel this way though! I'm getting so toned! I'm actually getting a body to be proud of!
Instead, I feel shame putting on my clothes every day...
"Visually you're stimulating to my eyes
Your Cinderella syndrome, full of lies"
Things don't feel right anymore.
If I'm not at work or at the gym then I don't know what to do with myself.
I have no emotions. Literally. When I do, they are sad or anger when we argue at night.
He told me the only time he can get any response from me is when he actually attacks me in our arguments, otherwise I just stare off into space.
It's almost scary at this point.
So you all wanna starve for the summer? This is what you can look forward too. It sickens me when girls name this thing "Ana" and "Mia" like they're people.
They aren't there when you're frozen over without emotion.
Maybe this is a worthless post, but I just need to write for no other reason than to open myself up just a crack.
I wish I could unzip my skin.
This time, to let the hurt out.
This time, to feel something again.
"It's so pitiful what you are
As beautiful as you are
Should have seen this coming all along"