Saturday, May 18, 2013


<Things get worse before they get better often times.>

I didn't weigh myself today; I went back up when I weighed yesterday, like I assumed. Overslept today so no gym since I have to go to my dad's. Maybe I'll refresh old memories and run down that country road.
Another night of fighting came. This time it was me that planted the time bomb. There's always a comment about me growing up or me being selfish. When he left to clean out his car I walked to the kitchen and borrowed the razor blade he has on the fridge.
Morbid display.
I now have ten cuts between both tops of my thighs. I don't self harm. I put ointment on them before falling asleep and they're pretty shallow. Couple days and they'll be fine, red marks.
I don't understand. I didn't even need that release of pain; I needed to punish myself for the hurtful things I've said and done. This urge comes stronger and stronger every day. Believe me, I'm just as ugly.
He said I was tainted, in reference to me cheating with a Hispanic guy. I thought to myself, I've been tainted since I was 6 or 7, so what does it matter?
I know how to say the most cutting things, down to bone, no trying. It's only because I know the truth about people. You can't miss it if you look into their eyes, hear the tones of their voices as they say something. Watch them sometime. It might take a minute, but you can see it all. It saddens me, that inner pain I see in everyone.
It saddens me I hurt them more sometimes.
We may lie through our teeth but we shine through our eyes. I keep a hold on my mouth because it's the single meanest thing about me.
Not as successful the past three nights of hour plus arguing, however.
"You're selfish! Everyone thinks so!"
Don't worry, I do too.
Growing quieter every day. Depression has been curling it's fingers around my arm, pulling me back.
My friend said she never knew anyone that hates themselves as much as me.
What an honor.
"You have nothing to be depressed about."
No, you're absolutely right.
I'm terrified though. I'm terrified because I was forced to grow up fast but then had to hold fast at that level as life was pulling and pushing, tossing and turning around me. After everyone moved on and things smoothed, I was expected to resume. I don't know how. I've made progress but the more I'm forced to hurry, the more my progress gets slowed.
My GRE study books came.
I got a job cooking at an assisted living facility for the elderly working 11:30-7. Time to work out and time to do whatever at night.
I need to find a grad school.
I need to be thinner. I'm sick and tired of being stuck here at this weight. Always at the ledge and then I get hungry.
Of course I'm going to be hungry; I'm doing hard cardio and lifting weights.
Just make the world a little quieter...
I'm trying to do what I'm supposed to...
It doesn't matter anymore though.
I need the world to be a little quieter for just a minute. My car is going out, I'm going to graduate and need to know where I'll be. I probably shouldn't be with my bf but I love him. He has taught me a lot life skills and when someone does that for you, it means a lot because adulthood is a scary place and I'm about to have to learn to fly.
A lot is coming at me.
Somehow that triggers a self destruct button, disguised as a helping hand.
I don't want food. It tastes fine. Feels fine. I just don't want it. I'm not hungry but I'll eat sometimes anyway. I don't want to because I don't think I feel hungry. There's no forcing myself away from it or any of that. It's a non existence of hunger and a lack of appetite. Somehow that's symbolic of my growing lack of appetite for life. Every day I feel more hollow and every day I feel a vacancy opening.
I tell God I'm sorry for the bad things I've done to others because I can't live with myself, with my selfishness. I pray for cardiac arrest at the gym, a car wreck. I want life but I feel like I don't deserve it so I wait and see if my actions deserve repercussions deeper than what has happened.
I'm crazy. I tell myself that.
I'm not. I'm a depressed 22 year old looking for her place in the world that probably sounds really freaking dramatic.
I'm sorry. Might as well apologize for my ramblings.
This too shall pass.
This emotional low will work back to a high. It's life.
It's falling into lows more and more so all I can do is pray and ride it out.
And maybe lose five pounds.


  1. You definitely don't deserve the punishment you think you do. Nor any intentional pain, I was afraid the self injury was going to happen :/ Stop it now if you can, it's not the best path to take lovely. "You are far too valuable to harm yourself" a bit hypocritical from me but it's the truth.
    I don't know where this idea that you are selfish is coming from, or how others can see it because I don't -you are far from it.
    Hang in there, contact me if you need someone to chat with <3
    Lots of love to you xx

    1. Thanks love. That really meant a lot. I'm sure I just look all over the place... haven't done it anymore and it's healing up good. Sometimes you just snap, you know? Things hurt so much you snap.

  2. Oh honey, this worries me so so much. I know you said you don't self harm, but it's something that can become a habit quickly, and it can be hard to stop.
    Please email me if you need to. I have a long history with self harm myself, and I'm always here if you need to talk.

    You are loved dear. Please try to stay safe, and stay sane *hugs* xxxx

    1. Thanks love :) I'm trying to get it together and not freak out. I look all over the place, pretty sure. thanks for the support. <3

  3. Replies
    1. I'm depressed as well. Two days ago I got my first DUI and I'm looking at charges I can't afford and even though I have a college degree, I still don't have a job, and this is going to make such ambitions harder and more daunting. Life isn't fair and sometime we just have to keep moving onward, even in the midst of troubled skies.

    2. Aw hun.. I know it's hard. It's hard to stay positive but you're strong and this will pass. The struggle, the embarrassment, all of it will pass. Keep smiling, and thank you for reminding me to as well.

  4. You think you don't deserve to live, but you are constantly showing on here how much you care about other people and so you are worth caring about. I know it's hard and it hurts so much, but keep fighting and we'll keep fighting for you, like you do for us. I can tell you not to cut again, but you'll do what you feel you need at that time - just know that it doesn't make you feel better in the end, it just adds another problem to your list and if you treat yourself like you are worth nothing then you'll feel the same way. You ARE WORTH IT and you'll find a way through. Thinking of you lovely xxx

    1. This comment meant so much. Thanks a ton girl! I'm trying and I'm trying not to be the emotional wreck. I don't know what go into me, but hey, I'm human. Thank you so much for your support!