Wednesday, February 15, 2017

The Box

This community has been there for me before and I know I haven't written or read much lately, and I'm sorry, but I have to ask for support again.
I graduated and I ended up finding a fantastic job with a company that has a fantastic reputation in the community and fantastic benefits and time off.
I have my own office now, two in fact.
I should be so happy right?
My dream of being a therapist has come true and yet I've been two of the last four nights sobbing because I am depressed despite taking my low dose antidepressant and I'm beyond anxious.
I cry and cry and then an hour later I want to again.
Sleep is my only reprieve.
Sitting in various chairs looking at my two supervisors and my clinical director of my program as they go over the documentation system, secure email, mandatory reporting, the support group information I have to get together, the domestic violence male and female offender groups I'll be cofacilitating, the number of direct client hours I'll need...
so much information and I can't see clients until my provisional license comes back, whic I couldn't send in until now when I was able to find a job and supervisors.
On my lunch break I shut my office door and laid on my couch curled in a ball. Five comes around and I'm exhausted.
Gone is that promise of working out right after work.
I can't seem to clean.
I get tired , too tired to cook.
I just curl into my dog or boyfriend and cry and miss my job with low responsibility where I wasn't so scared and overwhelmed.
This feels like I'm trapped in a box of hurricane anxiety and empty sadness of depression and I'm pounding on the walls to let me out.
I'm begging my boyfriend to make it stop.
I'm burying my face in my dogs fur holding him tight.
And the next day I go to work with a fake smile on my face, the picture of a put together new therapist.
Coping skills, meds, self care routines that aren't working.
And it won't go away.
Looking around, I see I'm still in the box.

4 comments:

  1. Depression is a spiteful wench. I don't talk about it to anyone anymore because too often I get the what do have to be depressed about/so many people have it way worse/you have a good job and nice home/you have family and friends/ etc etc etc.

    I know all that, but it doesn't make the shadows go away.

    I wish I could give you encouragement and advice, but I cannot. All I can say is that I know the place where you are, and I hope you can make it through.
    <3

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  2. The brain is a tricky beast and it often does not care that everything "should" be great. Do you have a support network outside of home? I think it makes all the sense in the world for a therapist to have a therapist.

    It's a different field, but my early days in nursing were TERRIFYING. I had people's lives in my hands, and you do, too. You never feel ready for that. But you WILL get your sea legs as you feel out how to best work with people and establish yourself. Depression and professional stress aren't entirely the same thing, but they do play into each other, and I promise they can both get better.

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  3. I'm right there with you girl!
    Everything seems "right" and should-be-happy, but that box keeps closing in. Although I think you're doing alright, just keep persisting even though it sucks.

    You are loved xx

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  4. I used to believe depression would change when circumstances change. However, this is not true. This proves to me beyond a doubt depression is definately within and complex. As if you didn't know that. But sometimes I wonder if I'm just lazy/stupid/hopeless.....there's a lot of head games.

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