Saturday, October 25, 2014


"You don't care about human suffering. You care about it because it makes you sad, but you're not doing anything to help it."
"When I see it I try to..."
"Yah, because it makes you sad."

The way he refuted my words broke my heart.
Almost more than anything he'd done to me, that was what hurt the most.
Believing I didn't have a light inside.
So dead and careless like the rest of the world....

I could feel the tears well up in my eyes time and time again as we watched the new movie Fury.
I felt the frenzied blinking, holding back the dam as I imagined the trauma and dehumanization people in war face.
Never would I ever experience and understand fully what those in the military see and feel.
And I'm grateful for them.

Handing the man my bag of gas station chips when he asked for money to buy a meal didn't make me a saint.
In fact, I wish I would have had more time to buy him something from the fast food place by the gas station but I didn't have any cash and I was going to be late for school.
But I didn't hesitate.
It didn't just make me sad, it made me worried that he wouldn't have anything to eat if I didn't give it to him.
When the homeless man asked me for change to buy a bus ticket I gave him all the ones I had and asked him his name because he has one.
He fucking has a name and a past and a future.
He has a name.
Shaking my hand, gentle grip, that smile someone gets when they're treated with kindness for the first time in God knows how long.
I don't do these things so that I can sleep better at night and I don't try to alleviate my sadness of seeing someone suffer.
I try to alleviate it because it fucking breaks my heart to see someone hurting.
I don't want them to be cold, hungry, hurting, lost or alone.

You know why this whole thing mattered?
It mattered because someone once held me when I cried about being unable to help someone and he was touched.
He couldn't believe that I had a heart that never faltered for anyone.
Despite my own struggles and the terribleness of the world, I still believe in the beauty.
And he found me beautiful....

Then I could feel the selfish tears coming because he didn't see me as beautiful.
He doesn't see the warmth I try to give and suddenly I was ordinary.
Flip flopping between believing I deserved to have someone believe I was extraordinary and someone seeing me as simply human.
By why not both?
It matters that the person I love doesn't see it.
He doesn't see or believe that inside I try to purge any selfish, mean, shallow, or judgmental characteristic and try to be kind, warm, and empathetic.
He doesn't see me trying to be a truly beautiful person.
He sees me as average.

I hate to admit how much that fact keeps me up at night.


  1. How many people do you think the homeless encounter on the streets in a day? A ton. How many people avoid them, ignore them, or pretend they don't exist? A lot. How many people scold them and tell them to get a job? Probably more than a few. How many people actually give them food or money? Less than a few. How many people care enough to ask them their names?

    Have you ever heard the story of the starfish? One morning a man was walking on the beach where thousands of starfish had washed up on shore. He started picking them up and throwing them back in the ocean, one by one. Another man on the beach came up to him and laughed, saying, What do you think you're doing? There are thousands of starfish and they go on for miles, there's no way you can save them all!

    You're right, the first man said. I can't save all of them. Then he picked up a starfish, threw it back in the ocean and said, But I can save this one. Then he picked up another and said, And I can save this one. And this one. And this one.

    Don't ever let someone make you feel insignificant or worthless. You matter and you absolutely have a beautiful light inside of you, so don't let anyone try to extinguish it.

    There is no such thing as a small act of kindness, there is only kindness. And kindness like yours is the grace that holds this very broken world together. We need more people like you. <3


    1. One time is rained and there was this huge earthworm trying to get off the hot concrete. I was walking into my job but had to stop to run him under a tree so that he wouldn't dry out and die. :) I loved your story. It made my day and I brought me up. I needed this reminder. Thank you. Truly.

  2. I believe you do truly care, too much if anything, about human suffering. If you didn't care, it wouldn't make you so sad.

    Like Nicole said with the story of the starfish, it's the little things that make a difference. You don't have to be a saint and help the world, but it's the bag of chips or a bus ticket that makes a difference.
    I used to hear a shocking amount of "they're not really homeless", especially referring to those who've been seen on the streets for years. I don't understand why so many people refuse to help, or even refuse to believe help is needed.

    You are anything but average my dear. You are a beautiful human being, inside and out, and I love you to bits.

    Sending loads of love and hugs <3

    1. I love you too Bella. Thank you for making my say.

  3. Average? Not quite. The average person doesn't think twice about the man walking by in the middle of summer wearing 3 layers of clothes, and think that maybe it's not because he's cold. The average person would walk by the man asking for money to buy something to eat because he's lying, he wants to buy booze. The average person doesn't think for very long about the suffering of another human being.

    I'm sensitive to the suffering of others too, and I'm not sure most people understand THAT. How can you feel their suffering, you only give them your change to make yourself feel better. I don't buy that because I know why I'd give the shirt off my back, and it isn't so I'll feel good. You don't need to explain yourself to him, Eve, average people just won't understand.

    1. You know, you're right. You have this slap in the face gently kind of way of making me see things and I like that. You're right.

  4. Ryan is right, the average person just doesn't understand. There so much pain in the world, my own isn't enough. It never is.


  5. Omg. Eve, darling you're one of the most caring persons in this planet I know! You care with your heart not your brain and caring about these things in the world doesn't mean you would have to change whole world. That's too much expectations from anyone who is not Gandhi or mother Teresa and it usually takes a little more than little over 20 years for a person to come something like that. We need to also take care of ourselves and the bedt way to share that care is to do those little selfless acts you described there. It's unfortunate that money seems to run this world and we tend to think that we're best of everyone and then feel helpless when we can't save the world from the misery which is misery only from our point of view. So save the ones who you can but remember it's not only your responsibility to save the whole world. Save those who you encounter in your life.

    Love you to little pieces. You're wonderful person who cares and takes action how you can. I think it's not ok to judge you like that and close eyes from the people in one's own society who need something and then say that you're not doing enough by providing them a meal. That's huge. More than most people dare to do. <3

    1. I can't tell you what this means to me. I miss you and all you're analyzing. Email soon? I love you.

  6. I think that anyone who thinks they help the world for the greater good and not because it makes them feel like a better person is totally lying to themselves. Human beings are not naturally altruistic. Xo

    1. We might as well add more good than bad right? It's hard to be good sometimes and I think you're absolutely right.

  7. Oh I disagree with him... we are all human and we ALL have that beauty inside of us. Some of us (like you!) just embrace that beauty and consciously try to project it onto those around us. You're beautiful and he's an idiot not to see that.

  8. Also, I completely disagree with the idea that humans only do good so they can feel good about themselves. I think empathy is an instinct, and for some, helping others is an instinctive act (rather than a subconcious design to make YOURSELF feel good). I think that true empathy is assimilating with another person and just, quite simply, reacting to that pain.

    1. You. Man Tam, you're always tugging at my heart strings when you comment. Thank you. You made me feel beautiful today.I love you!