Tuesday, December 3, 2013

No Poetry In It

There's nothing poetic in heartbreak.
I don't know why people romanticize it so much.
I don't feel like a martyr refined by some idealistic fire.
No, I feel like I'm 22, (23 next week), lost, trying to make it work in a world full of uncertainty.
My best friend's friend kissed me and I didn't tell him the night it happened.
I told the friend that I was seeing someone but it happened at the bar anyway.
Didn't matter to the guy I was seeing.
He considered it as me lying.
"I can deal with a cheater, but I can't deal with a liar. I'm sorry but I let you in and you are no longer allowed in."
And just when he told me he loved me.
Then revoked the phrase.
I'm so terrible that I wish I would have lied.

Even now I'm starting to cry.
Haven't been able to eat.
Just want to sleep because the dull ache that fans to a roar throughout the day is too much.
Still friends.
He taught me to merge the emotional and the physical and all I want to do is escape.
I pulled the emergency hatch to keep myself locked in, forcing myself to feel emotions.
So many apologies, hoping one would stick.
Formulating argument after argument.
In vain.

Why is it that I feel more attachment to someone that I knew for only a few months,
Someone that I knew would be temporary?
And yet I couldn't fully stick to L who would provide me with a safe, loving environment to grow?
Someone who was careful with my heart.
Yet I want the someone that forced it to beat faster, with fury and passion, forcing it to grow.
Someone make sense of it for me.
Please.
Because the scope of my analytical mind can't go to this boundary of understanding.

I was never with someone that allowed me to be completely honest.
I was always punished for my candidness and now I have lost someone that gave me entire trust in exchange that I was open with him and I wasn't.
It wouldn't have lasted when I went to grad school, but we could have enjoyed these last three weeks.
We could have ended on better terms.
I hate myself right now.
I hate myself for hurting him when he was absolutely good for me.
I hate that he says he doesn't want to be without me but he doesn't want to be with me because of this.
I hate that I hurt and I hate that I have such poor character that I wish I would have lied.
I'm going to regret this for a while.
Heartbreak is the worst, and there's no poetry in it.


10 comments:

  1. boys who make our hearts pound... or boys who keep our hearts safe. what the fuck is wrong with us? there is no poetry in heartache yet there is an emotional rawness unlike anything else, thus forming hints of poetry.

    the thing about the boys who make our hearts burst with passion, compelling us to alter our character, to lie, and to cheat, and to be this version of ourselves who we hardly know... but they make us yearn to. i hope i'm making sense to you, although i'm pretty sure you feel me.

    xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have no idea... Maybe it's the rawness, that feeling of being the freest and most genuine in a sundress or naked that you've ever been. Yes, I always know what you mean. :) we're always on the same page which is scary comforting.

      Delete
  2. I feel so sad for you dear. Your heart's really been put through the wringer this past year. I know that feeling of being horribly torn between wanting your heart safe and wanting it set alight. I think the trick is finding someone who does both.
    Thinking of you hun. I love you to pieces and I wish I could take this pain away from you *HUGS*
    xxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know that every experience is good and you learn from it be it a friendship or a relationship. It's just hard to have so.many emotions without my trusty crutches. I love you too and it always makes me happy to hear from you.

      Delete
  3. I'm so sorry this happened to you Eve. I think he's being unfair and a little mean but I'm not the type of guy to make hearts flutter so I can't say for sure. I dont think there's anything wrong with seeking passion or excitement, that feeling of being free and sexy and invincible doesn't come often.

    L is safe and warm and comforting, and if he's the nice guy in this equation then I'm rooting for him. But the heart wants what it wants, brain be damned. Maybe he's not the one. Or maybe he is, and you just need a little more exhilaration in your life first - wind whipping through your hair (or your dress) heart pounding out of your chest, hands grabbing at flesh. That kind of thing.

    I hope you're feeling a bit better. Sorry you were robbed of a better ending but that stolen kiss proves just how desirable you are! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Still sad and wishing things were different but thanks a ton for seeing how I was :D

      Delete
  4. Thinking of you Eve xx Literature makes heartbreak sound like an act of a play.... dramatic in a kind of interesting way. But there's actually nothing more real than the pain of losing someone, it can feel like that person's died. And they kind of have, because they can never be that same person they were to you again. The thing is, although the situation wont change, YOU will... you'll continue to change and grow, and you will be okay! xxox

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are absolutely right. It's just hard when someone means so much to you... Thank you so much for the encouragement. <3

      Delete
  5. Replies
    1. And raw... it's not beautiful.. not yet

      Delete