Wednesday, December 11, 2013


I brought in my 23rd birthday with a cup of cheap diner coffee in one hand,
Pencil in the other
Scrambling to finish the collaboration of homework assignments
Piecing together questions I had missed
Looking for the English translations of my Spanish texts.
I'm not sure whether I'm melting or dying
But it's dead week.

It truly brought a smile to my face and heart when those of you that I'm friends with on Facebook or that I talk to on the phone sent me all kinds of love.
I started this blog on a downward swing of a relapse and I don't know what I had hoped to get out of this.
What I did get was much more than I had ever though possible.
I just know that I was really hurting, and while I still hurt for one reason or the other (often times my own fault) I have received more love and support than I ever thought possible.
There have been days I was was manic, sitting on my dorm room floor sobbing, writing, trying to feel and not feel, trying to make sense of life and myself.
Anywhere is better than that time though, and I couldn't have done it without everyone's gentle reminders to keep going.
There have been times I've been stern with some of you, but it's only because I care,
And there are times that you've allowed me to share in your joys and victories, big or small.
I started out at 162, was 129 by May, and I'm again 160 (I checked.)
But this time, this time I'm stronger, made of muscle and actual pride in myself and the work I put in to get here.
I finally broke out of my unhealthy relationship, I committed to recovery, mind and body.
I still have to work on bad habits like cheating, fearing commitment, and doubting myself.
Let's see where I am next year. :)

I wasn't sure where to go from here, if my blog was even worth reading, or if was even that good, but I would miss everyone too much and I like airing out my thoughts and heart now and then.
Why not stick around for another year?
Thank you everyone for hanging in there and thank you for your support.
Some of you have been my 2 am calls, pushing me to keep going and making sense of things when I struggled to understand and see how I and any of it was worth it.
You're all some of the best people I've ever "met."
God truly blessed me.

I think it's fun when I read more about the people behind the blog so I thought I would do a few things about me (courtesy of those ridiculous "ask me anything" lists) and maybe you guys can add a little about you.

1. Favorite food: ice cream and pulled pork
2. Favorite color: turquoise or green
3. Biggest turn on: confidence, intelligence, kindness
4. Biggest turn off: arrogance, being egotistical
5. What's your style?: I don't have one ha. but really, I like work out clothes or dresses. Hate jeans. It's all about being comfortable for me. Also, love tattoos and piercings.
6. Hobbies: lifting
7. What are you most proud of?: being accepted in my master's program, graduating college, committing to recovery
8. Favorite book: any books written by Ted Dekker
9. Favorite movie: Forrest Gump, LOTR trilogy, Seven, The Machinist
10. Favorite band: In Flames, As I Lay Dying, Avicii, Periphery, 10 Years (House and Metal are my two favorite genres)
11. Three words that describe you: Quirky, Sweet, Blunt
12. Favorite poem: anything by Emily Dickinson or Pablo Neruda
13. What's your most outstanding personality trait?: I'm very loyal to the people I care about, almost to a fault.

I'm usually never on time, I'm really laid back about things, I care a lot about people (sometimes to the point that I need to learn to care for myself), I love Spiderman and hate making plans. I'm from the Midwest and grew up in the country but I don't want to stay here. Just need more opportunities at life. I love to to travel and volunteer. I fear commitment but stay long after the relationship should have ended. I like to take long trips. When I get stressed out I nap (don't do that!). I loved studying Psychology, even though people say it's an easy major for people with daddy issues. Whatever. I prefer coffee over tea and I'm afraid of carbs even though I need them. My favorite flower is the orchid and my favorite drink is a margarita. I'm a night person and I hate sleeping past 9:30, 10 am. I love rain and hate winter.  I have five tattoos and twenty piercings. I make awesome pie and know how to work hard. Velvet makes my skin crawl and I can't be naked with my socks on. I'm bad at putting my laundry away but hate a dirty kitchen. I hate deadlines but need them, procrastinate, and want my next car to be a manual transmission.

So there's a little bit about the girl behind the blog.
I hope you're all doing well. Thank you again for the birthday wishes!
I graduate next weekend and so I'm sure I'll have lots of thoughts and worries. Plus, you'll need to see me all dignified in my cap and gown! :D


  1. happy day of birth! i think you're fantastic and interesting and just fucking inspiring and i have really enjoyed getting to know you better through your writing. xxx

    (ps. i pointed you out in my post today, i hope that's fine with you) :)

    1. Wjat a coincidence, I think all of those things about you! We were meant to be friends. Knew it. I love your writing. It's always great when someone just gets you and yes, I was beyond flattered. ♡

  2. Hey you're smiling! I don't think I've ever seen you smile. I loved reading this because it clarifies how far you've come and how much you've changed in the past year, and how blogging and fellow bloggers have helped you on your journey. (plus we get to know more about you which is always good)

    I'm so glad that you made positive changes in your life, and that you didn't give up when things got tough. I'm grateful that you shared so much through your blog. I've thought about deleting my blog, quitting on myself, sabotaging my progress, etc etc.. but you keep me going when most of my longtime blogger friends have left. You're a badass chick, with your tattoos and piercings and muscles :P but there's something very sweet about you, too. You're loyal and supportive and just... thank you for being you. :)

    Happy 23rd Eve <3

    1. It's been a journey and man I have far to go! It's great to see other peoples' journies as well.

      It was hard and I really wanted to! Haha thanks! I don't know if I'm great but I'll just keep doing what I do. :D

  3. aww I love your smile and smiling eyes. You are too cute. I hope you have a wonderful year. And thanks for your cheerleading, when I've backed myself into a cave. You are great. <3

    1. also
      I speak spanish. Haven't practiced for awhile but I might be of use?

    2. Thanks hun :D Making me blush all over the place! You know I'm always always always here for you! If you're good maybe I could use you! <3 I luuuuuuurrrve you

    3. Let me know love. (

  4. Happy birthday, you lovely thing! I will always look forward to seeing one of your posts on my Dashboard, you inspire and awe me.
    Your writing has a way of reaching out to people, and it would be a shame if it weren't shared. We will always be your adoring audience.

    You are so strong, girl. Here's to a wonderful year!

    1. Well hey you! It's been ages since I've heard from that lovely face! You truly flattered me. Thank you so much. I also love reading yours. <3

  5. People don't drive manual transmissions anymore and I think it's fuckin awesome that you want to. 23 makes me sound old and the years just seem to only go quicker, enjoy it and continue doing what you want in life.

    Haha, and I know my preaching makes me sound old too, but whatever, it is what it is.

    1. My mom taught me how as soon as I could drive. She said I could drive anything if I knew how. She was right. My first job had me driving a tractor. Yes, it seems the year flew! Nah it doesn't. It's endearing. :D

  6. Happy birthday lovely! I love your eyes in that photo, so bright and full of life.
    Same as you, I never expected to get so much out of blogging, but I've met so many wonderful people and some of the best friends I've ever had.
    This year has really been a rollercoaster for you, but you've come out of it stronger, and I have no doubt you'll do the same next year. You're an amazing woman and I love you to pieces, don't forget. Sending lots of birthday hugs xx

    1. Making me blush. Thanks girl! It really has but you know, I'm glad. I needed all that growth and I can't thank you enough for encouraging me. I love love love you hun!

  7. Dear Eve: Happy happy birthday to one of the most wonderful people I've met on Blogger!! Love your favorite movies BTW. Seven is a personal fav. You mentioned Facebook - we should be Facebook friends!

    1. Well thank you! That's super sweet of you and sure maybe we could

  8. <3 (I think that that's all I need to say here:) )

  9. happy birthday.
    i always appreciate people who know how to work hard more.xx

    dreaming is believing

    1. Thank you!
      Well, I certainly try.