Sunday, December 22, 2013

Milestones


It was ten after eight and we were running a little late.
"Just pull over here! We have to run!"
My best friend hates being late.
Quickly I grabbed my cap and gown, discarded my coat, and bailed out of the car after her boyfriend.
So many faces making their way towards the arena and I held a piece of her gown in my fingers while trying to fix my hair around the awkward cap.
I had drank the night before and my stomach wasn't happy.
I had only drank one cup of coffee and my head wasn't happy.
We made our way over to the College of Arts and Sciences table and collected our number.
With last names different, we weren't sitting together, but she and I navigated our way to the bathroom and then our respective lines
Navigating much as we had done together in the last three years of college.

I sat amongst the others in a sea of black.
A little over 1000 of us total.
Faces of families blurred together in the endless mass.
There, in the far corner-mom, her boyfriend, grandma, grandpa, L., and his mom.
My six seats of pride.
I could feel them glowing as they scanned the bobbing caps for mine.
Our senator spoke, something about preferring to try and fail then never trying at all.
The day before my former boss had pulled me into a warm hug, telling me never to settle for anything.
I could only see a few rows ahead, girls trying to fix their hair under the awkward caps.
Guys hunched forward or sitting tall.
All of us waiting, about to set off into the world.
In that moment I wondered to myself how many of us would settle.
I wondered who would have a beautiful life an who would strive only to gain nothing.
Would we marry and have children and work in the field that our degrees were meant for?
How many of us would be professionals in our field and how many would work somewhere completely unrelated?
Would we died young or live old?
No matter the destination we all sat, hopeful, anxious, smiling, and frowning.
All of us about to embark on a journey.

At first I had felt that maybe it wasn't such an achievement.
I mean, many people go to college, but as the administration called for my college to receive our diplomas, I felt a little pride begin to warm and grow.
My row rose , and with slight nervous anticipation, I straightened my cap, smoothed my gown, and stepped forward to accept what would be the first step into the professional world.
Being an adult.
The faculty members congratulated me and I realized then that What I had done was worth of pride.
I had spent many a night awake until four and five in the morning fighting depression, had weathered a divorce and mom's attempted suicide, an unhealthy relationship with a boyfriend that had gone to prison, had endured anxiety attacks, a relapse of anorexia, lost and gained friends, made many a poor choice and spent plenty of drunken nights on a floor or two.
I had studied abroad in Greece, held many great leadership positions, worked while going to school, been accepted into graduate school, and decided to recover.
When I finally found my family once we were dismissed I looked at my mother.
Gosh. She was so proud of me.
"Don't cry mom," I said as I took her in my arms and held her tight.
I don't think I've ever been so happy that I had made my family proud than the day I graduated valedictorian and the day I graduated college, about to move on to my masters.
The days that all that work and support was brought to fruition.
I couldn't have done it without them not by a long shot.
I didn't graduate with distinction but it didn't matter.

I'm really nervous, you know?
I've never done this whole growing up thing and I never believed I was going to recover from my ED or ever truly escape depression.
It's scary moving to a new place where I only have two acquaintances there and I don't fully know what to expect when I start my masters, but I'm hopeful.
Truly.
I wanted things to work with that guy and in the end I learned that our choices have consequences, ones that you can't always fix or change.
Things have been aching and I've felt the fatigue of finals week and changes seep in.
I'm really nervous but I'm hopeful,
And sometimes that's all you need to be.


20 comments:

  1. Congratulations!!! I'm so proud of you!

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  2. I am so proud of you and you should be too!!!

    When you stepped up and received your diploma you were doing far more than graduating from College...

    You have graduated from all of the trials, adversities, struggles and suffering of your own battles. The crowd was applauding an excellent, intelligent student- you should applaud her too- but really you need to be applauding the girl who is still standing and living after what you go through day in day out.

    Congratulate yourself on being alive, smiling, graduating and EVERYTHING because you are a perfect person <3

    Massive well done chickk!!!!!

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    1. Thanks so much Katie. IWasn't proud of myself for a long time and I have tried to learn to be. I guess it's something to be happy about, choosing life :) ♡

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  3. I'm 26 and still afraid of growing up.
    I'm proud of you, I hardly know you, yet your uncharted excitement makes me happy as hell for you :)
    xx

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    1. Well, you always seem to get me enough like you do know me :) I don't think I ever want to grow up. What's the fun in that?

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  4. Completely agree with Katie. Ah, I love how you're writing here is so different than texting you, I just love how words can come out in different ways. I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooo proud of you dear. I don't think you'll settle. Maybe for a second, but another current will come along to pick you up (hopefully good currents). I love you so much, you know that! You're happiness makes me happy, so yay, that's good for once. Skype date soon, we keep putting that off!

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    1. Omgosh texting me is like a mix of too casual and too much swearing haha. I'm TMI and maybe funny all at once. I love you too! Lots! It's always great texting you, especially when you let me freak out haha yes! Tomorrow it is :)

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  5. Congratulations hun! I'm so proud of you. It made me so happy to see these pics pop up on FB. You have achieved so much, come so far, in the time I've known you. I know you can tackle the changes ahead of you and come out on top. I love you oodles and oodles. Wishing you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year <3 xx

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    1. Thanks Bella! I wish I could post my diploma. I was proud of that. I can't thank you enough for sticking by me when it was tough. You've been the gentle nudge I've needed. I love you to the moon and back. Don't forget. You too my dear!

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  6. Congrats!! I am sooo proud of you, and I can't even express it. You are an amazing woman, you've been through so much but still come out on top. You've been such an inspiration, and I'm excited for you to start your life and make it the way that you want it to be. I'm so proud of you!! Xx

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    1. Thank you so so much! That means so much to me, you have no idea. I'm excited and nervous. :D

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  7. Nice, good job. I hope to one day gain a higher education myself, it scares the shit or of me. That's good stuff.

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    1. Thank you! I hope you go! There's no time like the present. It can be scary and it can be a lot of work, tears, tiredness, anger/frustration, but I can't tell you how awesome the pride of holding your diploma, that hard work in your hands, is.

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  8. Congrats Eve! Graduating college is definitely something you should take pride in, especially with all that you've gone through and overcome. Adult life and the "real world" always sounds so intimidating, like it's something we're forced into, but it can also be quite liberating. If you want to pursue a specific career path, or live on your own, or travel abroad, or drink until you pass out, that's your choice (don't do the last one though lol)

    "I'm really nervous but I'm hopeful,
    And sometimes that's all you need to be."

    That's it exactly. Good things are ahead for you Eve. Embrace them. Enjoy them. Celebrate them. And tell us all about them :)

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    1. Thanks a ton Chris! I hope it have adventures, and I'll make sure i share them with you guys. :D

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  9. That's so awesome. I am SOOOO SOOOO proud of you. What an accomplishment. Good job.
    XOXO

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    1. Thanks girl. I can't believe I graduated!

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