Monday, October 14, 2013


I knocked on the door three times, "tap, tap, tap," before opening it myself.
He turned in his chair, looking at me with what I can only describe as something like lust and longing both.
Standing up, he pushed his chair back and quickly closed the gap that separated us.
In an instant my cheek was in his hand, lips on mine, pushing me against the door.
My keys and phone found the shelf next to my head as my hand lifted to rest on his opposite cheek, feeling his closely trimmed facial hair under my fingers, left hand tangling up to my middle knuckles around his shoulder length hair.
When the first fire had died, he held me close.
"I'm glad you're back."
Smiling, I nuzzled closer into his solid and warm chest.
"Me too. I missed you."

The drive home usually drags on, being the fourth year I've made it.
Not this time.
Getting out of my car, I looked at the window and took a deep breath.
Up the stairs to his door.
Knocked twice, softly.
L didn't hear it and I had to knock again, three times this time and much louder.
The opening door revealed a smile and he pulled me into a hug, going in for a kiss.
I turned away, saying something to avert what was happening.
We decided to go for dinner, Mexican, and I decided to have three margaritas.
Two Coronas for him.
Conversation flowed, but he could tell something was wrong.
I neglected to try and touch him, be close to him.
"What's wrong?" I asked, swirling my finger around the rim, licking the salt from my finger."
"You aren't as intimate. You aren't the same. What changed?"
"Not here." Eyes burning a hole through his.

We sat on his futon, but I had to get up and pace.
"I'm sorry, I just need a break. I know you said that usually when you and past girls have taken a break it didn't end up working out, but it's not you. I just... I just started dating you too fast. I needed someone to pull me out of that terrible relationship and that responsibility fell on you. I don't know why, but I'm so grateful. Listen, it's not that I doubt the end result. I still think you and I are a great match to get married someday. Right now, I just need to breath. Five years was a long time to be with someone."
Words a jumble.
"What does this mean for us? Just like not be intimate or do less couple things?"
"Well, it's not like we act much different than when we were just friends. We just touch more now. I still plan on seeing you when I'm home and still plan on coming to your Thanksgiving and having you come to mine. I just feel bad because our families think that we're getting married soon and I just need time. Tell them whatever you want"
"It's fine. We can just make this between us."
I swallowed hard.
"Yeah, sounds good. Thank you. I still love you."
Smiling, a bit of sadness touching the corners of his eyes, "I love you too."

"You're going to have to be vulnerable. If you looked back on the one that broke your heart and you could push a button to get rid of all the pain but would take all the good things you learned too, I know you wouldn't push it."
"You're right. I wouldn't."
"Sometimes you just have to trust. What you learn in the end is worth more than the potential of getting hurt."
I looked up into his eyes, probing around to see if this only held a crash and burn ending
"This has the potential to blow up in our faces, but I want to try. I've never felt this before so I don't know if that's what it is. You have. You have something to compare it to."
"What does it feel like?" Fingers running up and down his back, knotting at the muscle below.
"It's warm. I've never felt warm. I can be completely honest and myself with you. I can't get anything done with you around. If I fail out of law school it'll be because of you!" pinching me playfully.
"I can't get anything done with you gone or around." Smiling, I kissed his arm.
"I know what you feel."
"Good things?" looking up at him through eyelashes.
"Things you're scared to say."
"What are they?"
"This has to come from you."
"I don't like being vulnerable. Not at all. I like perceived vulnerability, enough to draw someone in, not enough for them to have me."
"Well, I can assure you that it will be necessary at some point."
"But only if you can be with me. Vulnerable, I mean. Although you're the one that usually is."
"I'm not scared of getting hurt. So I don't give a shit about how vulnerable I am."

"This weekend I went and bought turkey and bread, some cottage cheese. Healthy stuff we can eat. I even bought more turkey because I know bread is a trigger food for you and you'd just want the turkey."
No one but my best friend had ever taken the initiative to soften the raging protests in my mind when it came my ED.
I'm in deeper than I thought.
Tumbling end over end as he tries to heal my pieces, teaching me to be vulnerable, teaching me to feel.
I'm at the point.
I'm at the point where I can't think about anything else but him if I tried.
Desperately forcing my heart up and away from the end of my sleeve, but it slides back every time.
"My goal, if nothing else comes from this, is to take you out in that black dress you love to a nice restaurant and we order pasta covered in alfredo, but not red sauce, no, white sauce, because that's worse for you, and I want you to truly enjoy yourself an not worry. I don't want you to cry when you have to eat pasta."
"That sounds ridiculous, when we say it out loud."
"It's not. It's just something you struggle with. People don't take the time to understand and I want to."

As we fell asleep that night, I felt his strong arms wrapped around me.
Some guilt assuaged from taking the needed break, the needed time to search for who I was.
There was something perfectly right about this moment in my life.
Something like fate or a blessing.
It wasn't acquired in the most honest of ways, and I have lots of work to do on my own, but somehow he's the person I need to hold the mirror up  for the rest of my recovery.
If we never coexisted beyond this moment, I would be okay.
I will have learned lessons far beyond what I could have learned with L or on my own.
That's beautiful.

I could fall in love with him, I thought.

What makes you vulnerable?
Does it haunt you?
Does it make you scared?


  1. We should never feel guilty for needing time for self-discovery, though not feeling that guilt is sometimes easier said than done. Wonderful post :)

    1. I'm trying to understand that concept. Thank you!

  2. I'm so proud of you for telling L you need time. He was there through your breakup with Tony, so I think he'll understand that it's nothing to do with your relationship. Your love is beautiful. I nearly teared up when he said his goal is to take you out to eat pasta without a worry. Just the fact that he wants to understand... I really hope it works out for you guys in the end.

    Thinking of you dear. Lots of love *hugs* xx

    1. It was hard and I think he thinks that we're still "together" but we aren't really... I don't know.. it's all hard...

      Is it love? I don't know, but it feels good to be young and to make mistakes and be reckless and hopeful.
      Yes, that was truly amazing to hear and only someone that had an ED would understand the significance. It's just, wow.
      <3 huuuuuuuuuuuuuge hug!

  3. It does sound like things are happening fast, like you're heart is outracing your mind if that makes sense. Breaks aren't always bad things, no. They can be a good way to clear your mind, reassess yourself and your relationship, the readiness to move forward, open yourself up to him, to commit for the long haul. You're young, still recovering, still finding yourself. Don't rush it no matter how tempting it is. If you pause and take a breath you'll decrease the risk of a 'crash and burn'.

    Clearly L cares deeply for you. He's very wise, too. We might say we'd prefer to erase certain people from memory but if we did then a part of us would be lost. And the pasta thing... I could not have said it better myself. He wants to take your fears away, so your ED behaviors no longer enter into your decision making process. That's a guy who gets it.

    Also, how do you recall all that was said in these conversations? Do you have a stenographer with you, or do you just have a really good memory?

    It's funny you should ask those three questions at the end because I covered most of it in my last post. That was one of the most personal things I've written, ever. That stuff haunts me, scares me, and makes me feel exposed. Any unfamiliar social situation causes anxiety but none are as uniquely challenging as the one I'm about to face. I'll respond more on my blog but I want you to know I appreciate the support! :-)

    1. Yep, totally makes sense. I try to reign it in, but you know what? Maybe I'm not supposed to. Maybe I'm just supposed to learn to allow myself to feel. I'm not making any commitments, just going with the flow and trying to learn life lessons, being happy, enjoying my life for once.

      Yah... he does... it makes it difficult too. I could still see myself marrying him, just not yet, if that makes sense.

      Nope, just have a good memory. :) Some things just imprint in my mind so I'll write them down as emotively as I can and leave it in a draft then come back and tie it all together as I become inspired to write something.

      It was a good, honest post and I'm really excited to watch you blossom in this!

  4. Taking a break from L sounds exactly like the kind of thing I would say if I were afraid of hurting someone's feelings. If you actually feel that way- that the attraction is enough that you'll come back to him with as much gusto as before, then great. In my experience, things don't work that way, and I just end up feeling worse for not telling the truth.
    But I would do exactly what you did anyway. It's so hard to see the look on people's faces when you have to tell them you don't like them...

    1. Ugh... you're always the one that goes for the heart, like bam, truth. I don't know if I will ever feel like I did this summer in terms of he and I. We're always almost and never always. I just can't tell him right now about this. It's gotta be something I do for me.

  5. Yes, I think you should tell L about the other guy you're seeing. Otherwise its just really unfair, and L is also your best friend.. omg thinking how hurt I would be if I found out my boyfriend was seeing another girl and hiding it... Whereas if he's clear that there is someone else in the picture, then you can both decide where you want to go next with your relationship. Stay well xx

    1. I totally think you're right but at the same time no. I think it's selfish but at the same time, it will hurt him more in the end. It's me learning to be me and free myself of all the weight I have experience for the past several years. There just doesn't seem like there's a reason to hurt him more. i don't even really want to decide where it goes, you know? I just want it to unfold, passive aggressive as it sounds.
      You too dear!

  6. Haha, if I told you what makes me vulnerable then I wouldn't be so good at staying invulnerable. Seriously though, in vulnerability we find our weaknesses, and in weakness you can find answers.

    1. You are absolutely right, good try on my part though. :P
      Truth. I thin I'm finding it's increasingly important to be vulnerable in order to learn and heal. Scary.

  7. Oh my Eve, I can see why you wrote that comment on my blog. It's just the same thing. Things we're scared to say, letting someone close and let them teach you what they can.

    So recently what has made me vulnerable is sharing my story with someone. You feel so naked, like you said, it sounds completely ridiculous when you say those thing out loud but only the people who really care for you will take the time to understand them. It haunts. Everyday it haunts... everytime I write to Suna what I have been eating through the day it haunts.

    And it's ok to take that space. There's days when you just have to scream on the chicken floor and cry non-stop. Going through the feelings you have put up for so long and letting them pass through you. It hurts and there's nothing no one can do about it but once it's over, you can breath more freely for a second and suddenly life looks like more colorful and everything is more than before. The grass is greener right where you are, not on the other side.

    1. Yep :) We are, so imagine me giving you the hugest hug because I can empathize.

      It does! It's so scary to be that bone bare vulnerable. All the stuff that rattles around in your head and heart gets put on display and you have to trust that the listener will understand or at least be patient with you and just love.

      Somehow I just feel like we were meant to be friends dude. You always say the gentle things I need to remember and I love you for that.

  8. Were you with him for 5 years? I was with my partner for 5 years too, and have recently left him and am now in a relationship with someone who was my friend. I completely understand what you mean about needing a break, I feel like I haven't had a chance to breathe. But also when you say you feel like L pulled you out of a terrible relationship, I get that too. It's so strange the way people's lives can change like that sometimes.
    I guess I can't really offer perspective on this because our situations seem so much the same. Just remember you are an amazing person :)
    Take care <3
    Alice xx

    1. Well, four and a half, but close enough. It's really hard to leave someone when you've been with them that long. If you need a break, don't be afraid to take it dear. It's healthy. I really hope you're doing okay!
      Loads of love sweets

  9. I hate those moments when everything is just right. They scare the hell out of me because then what? I really can't grasp the concept of being at peace. Also, guilt is very over rated.


    1. I guess I never know what next either and I self-sabotage things that are actually going well because I don't trust myself to be able to step up.
      Also, maybe. :D

  10. This is so beautifully written. I absolutely love it. I'm proud of you for telling L that you needed a break. That's a very brave and courageous thing for you to do. Let yourself live a little and see what the world is like beyond relationships. Be free my dear.

  11. Thanks love! It was guard. I feel a little dishonest because he doesn't know about this other guy but I do want to just explore.

  12. Oh sweetie, the last comment you left on my post made me cry. Thank you so much for being there for me and being so honest. Lots of love.