Friday, October 11, 2013

Here I Am

"Eve's ability to critically think and hunger to know more about her social world was what encouraged me to talk to her about graduate school. She was always a good student, but the thing that stuck out to me is her inquisitive nature into understanding more than we can provide at an undergraduate level. She has a unique perspective on the world and with time she will develop confidence in her abilities and knowledge, which will make her very successful. Without a doubt, she would be an excellent choice for your school and I highly recommend her."

What is it about people that can take over the world that attracts me so?
That look of desire in their eyes.
Air of confidence.
Capability in each fingertip.
FIbers of humanity showing through.
Mechanical titans.
I watch them, wishing it was me, but it's not.
No five year plan.
No dominating determination.
No, I stopped being that kind of hungry when I decided I'd had enough of anorexia.

We lay there in the dark as we had several weekends in a row, just talking.
"It's like, I don't know. I can't explain it. I just know that other girls with eating disorders feel the same."
"Like what?"
"Like, like if you could, you would unzip your skin and walk out. You would walk out being the person you always thought you should be."
"Hm. And what would you look like?"
I paused. I had never been asked that question and suddenly I was lost for words.
"I guess I don't know."
"You should look like you."

I can tell you secrets only the sheets know.
Pieces of tomorrows shining on strands of my hair lost on his pillows.
Sunlight peaks through the curtain and I move it over slightly, looking at the leaves trying to hold onto their summer green.
Would I always be this rolling stone?
Heart that could never settle, never be scooped up into someone else's?
Always colliding, never fusing.
We often times think of the cheater as a monster.
Second to murder.
Selfish and sly.

Maybe I'm a sociopath
I thought that as I sliced the chicken, knife sliding ever so close to my fingers.
I need someone like Tony.
Someone to treat me like shit so I don't treat other people like it.
Consume, consume, consume.
Painfully aware of the strings that have come loose.
Skin that was sealed shut.
Writhing ugliness under the surface.
Pressuring the hinges.
Maybe that's what I'm learning from this.
I am selfish.
I consume your heart so that you won't consume mine.

In reality, the cheater is very often the 22 year old girl coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship, looking for herself.
It's the notion of being bound to another for life that scares me.
Growing up the has me shying away.
But I won't last forever.
I do love others.
Hurt for them.
And I have places and spaces and things I need to be.
I'll sort something out this weekend.

I closed the copy of my letter of recommendation one of my professor's had sent me.
Here I was, at the place I assumed I would be.
Here I was with hope and promise and bareness of self.

"Let's start at the top."
His hair fell on my forehead as he looked down at me, smiling.
"I like you eyes. They're beautiful and they're almond shaped, which isn't common for your facial structure. I like the shape of your face in general, with the angular features and high cheek bones."
"Funny, I had never thought I lived up to my Czech roots."
"You do."
 Then there's your neck. Long, thin, kissable. That leads down to your clavicle which shows and that sort of cereal bowl thing you have going on which goes into slightly boney shoulders, which I think all looks sexy."
He kissed my forehead and I automatically felt my hand go to my collar bone and deep hallow it made between my bone and trapezius muscle, the long prized measuring sticks of my ED days.
"Your chest is perfect. I don't know why you're self conscious about it, and your stomach is flat."
He held up my arm and closed his hand around my wrist.
"You have these little wrists that suggest you're fragile, which I also like, but I know you're not; you're strong."
Swallowed, cleared my throat a little.
More measuring.
You've got a back that's hard and muscled when I feel it and your legs are long and sexy and muscled. There's no give."
"Sigh... then there's my butt..."
"Shh. I was saving the best for last. It has a perfect shape, perfect everything. Most taller girls lose the shape with the length of their legs."
"I could still use a few more squats."
"You're beautiful."

Here I am.
<click "Submit Graduate Program Application>
I'm ready.


  1. I love all the romanticism that shower your posts. Amazing and powerful.

    1. :) thank you! It's funny because you wouldn't think I was a romantic in real life.

  2. Your blog posts are so intricate and fascinating. I like the way you bookended this post, with your professor's description of your personality and your boyfriend(?)'s description of your body. Do guys seriously talk like that? I've always wanted to describe a girl in such precise detail, but I've been told that it's too 'over the top' - even for fiction. As a result I can't make my male characters sound anything resembling romantic. Sigh. Maybe you can write those scenes for me? ;-)

    I didn't quite understand why you lost your drive and determination when you gave up anorexia? I would think the opposite was true. Sure, there's an insatiable hunger to be as thin as possible but do you not feel that same desire now, to be fit and strong and healthy? Then again, maybe that's the point -- to free yourself from that obsession over how you look.

    You are much more than just skin and bone and muscle. You are inquisitive, unique, and a damn talented writer. And you are on your way.

    Keep going.

    1. Well thank you! It means a lot that you and others think they're beautiful. I just write. :) they definitely do talk that way. Literally has happened to me a lot recently. It's only over the top if it's constantly. Well placed moments like that are sweet.

      I lost it because that's not who I am. I'm more go with the flow and laid back. I'm not the academic monster. That was hard to accept.

      Thank you :)

    2. Proof that guys are more often attracted to a girl with meat and muscle on her than a girl who is stick-thin and shapeless. Aside from the more obvious qualities (confidence, maintenance, etc) there is something artistic about a fit and/or curvy woman's shape. It grabs and holds a guy's attention like nothing else.

  3. Wow, that's one hell of a recommendation letter. You're so talented, with so much potential in many areas. I can't wait to know what the next few years have in store for you.

    It's interesting; I thought you were looking forward to being bound to another for life, when in reality it scares you. I don't know what exactly made me think that, but it's just the impression I've got.

    It's beautiful that you have someone who appreciates every inch of your body. You are a gorgeous person, inside and out, and I hope one day you'll see that.

    Your posts are always so poetic. It feels like I'm right there with you (okay, that might sound a little creepy, whatever).

    Love you sweetheart. Sending massive hugs across the ocean <3 xx

    1. That's only the last paragraph too! I felt scandalous since she let me read it. usually they're sealed. I am too!

      It's interesting, I was, and then I panicked. I have so much crap to work through with a touch of PTSD and the abuse, ED, all that.

      It really's also terrible because he isn't my bf so there's that. Although, I cut that off this weekend for now so better.

      That's definitely the idea. In fact, I enjoy making it that way. sort of intimate.

      I love you too! Lots and lots!

  4. You're not supercosuming anyone's heart. You're just having hard time re-shaping your picture of what's normal and how to take in all that love that doesn't bite you back or fit in that "be the bunching bag, hurt to deserve it". Don't think about the eternity yet, it'll fly by when you're with someone you love. You won't even notice the time.

    Good luck with the application and stay safe!

    1. Leave it to you to turn on the damn light in my head. :) you always make sense of it all. It really is hard. It's all I knew for most of my life. I just hope I learn soon.
      Thanks love! Fingers crossed <3

  5. I love all your posts. It's unbelievable how much I can relate to this. I feel like I am in the exact same place right now.
    We will come out on the other side of this so much stronger <3
    Alice xx

    1. I really hope you're doing okay love. I know it's been rough. We definitely will and I can't wait to read about all the great things you'll be doing. Huge hug! <3

  6. where do you find these men?? They're all so romantic!
    You do not need someone to treat you like shit. Don't go looking for someone like that.

    1. Dude, I don't even know. It's weird, like a completely foreign concept to me, but hey, I'll take it! :)

  7. Nice, Your blog looks so beautiful with flowers...

    1. Thanks! It took me forever to get it all figured out so now I don't dare try to change it haha

  8. You're so intriguingly beautiful Eve!

    I'm so sorry for not commenting, or replying to any comments for such a long time. I feel terrible for it, because you've been keeping me strong, keeping me fighting, and I can't thank you enough for that. You're such an inspiration and I am blessed to have met you through blogging.

    You should be so incredibly proud of yourself for that recommendation! More proof that you're amazing and precious! Good luck for your Graduate Program!

    'You're beautiful.'


    1. You just starting out that way made my entire night. Thanks love. I happen to think that you're beautiful as well!

      That's fine dear. You've had a lot of stress going on right now with college and all that and I totally understand. I'm always here for you and I'm equally blessed! You just have this absolutely big, beautiful heart!

      Eeeek! Sort of, sort of nervous! Thank you so much!

      <3 loads of love