Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Rustings

The days are a blur, running into one another like a watercolor painting with too much water.
Colors to canvas to liquid cognizance running endlessly.
Drip, drip, drip goes the thorazine caffeine.
The sun seems perpetually asleep as I find myself sitting across from him every night at the diner.
Buried under research hypotheses and court cases as the clock finds itself flirting with three am once again.
It's a frenzy of youth, and I save the best part of the day for last.
And at three-thirty in the afternoon.
Maybe it's the romanticized idea of rusted anodynes exposing flakes of emotional joints
Exposing those wretched things I had long since buried beneath the wake of my old life.

It's just sex. It's just sex. It's just sex.
Rehearsing the mantra over and over again hoping that the third or fourth or fifty-fourth time I would believe it.
Pulling me in close to his body at the end.
Hand on his chest as he lays there with his eyes closed
Feeling the warmth and muscle of his chest under my hand.
Eyes closed.
Shifting only to kiss my forehead.
Believing that I don't care just in case he doesn't as much as me.
Just in case I want to become further attached.
Spread this alabaster rib caged heart wide.
Smother the embers beginning to glow in my chest.

I wanted to talk to you about my apathy.
Watching the seasons pass from my window.
Wishing I was bone and metal softness.
Growing skin over these impasses
of petal sharp granite.

Anodyne rustings. 

I spend many a minute-hour trying to hold on to this.
Then trying to remind myself that if I'm accepted into my masters program I will be moving an hour and a half away. 
And neither of us can manage to stay faithful.
We would break it off before that because we know.
Or we just won't want to do the distance after spending every moment we aren't in class or I'm at work together. 
The things we presuppose.

It's more than just physicality and yet it's simply that.
Or the gains in recovered pieces marked by nakedness.
I couldn't feel for long while and it seemed that my body was separate from my mind.
I had rusted.
Resigned to that thing living we all remark on with a sigh.
The separation spread to my relationships, if that's what you could call them.
On autopilot playing Juliet, that's how he described me.
I denied it because I had found something good, something more mature, even if it was only mine for a moment.

Tomorrow I put on my elegant yet business like dress.
Slip on heels with made up face and hair.
Splash on smiles and don the charisma that is so natural to me.
I'll pretend I don't still struggle with my eating disorder.
That my sexual abuse is a thing of the past.
That my mother's frequent suicidal thoughts as a result of her PTSD from my father doesn't concern me.
That the fact that my father doesn't really support my education or really anything I did in my life or the fact that he hints at thinking I'm ungrateful and like my mother doesn't even cause me to turn my head in contemplation of looking back.
Healthy.
Tomorrow I make my case for why I am a fantastic candidate for the counseling program at this school.
I'm nervous.
A bundle of nerve and hope.

Cleaning off this rust. 


19 comments:

  1. My days run together as well, see my post for today. :)

    Anyhow, underneath the rust is always a clean slate to start over with. You can be whatever you want to be, so when you "make your case" just remember that. Knock off the rust and create something new with the old. Nice writing.

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    1. I take that back, it wasn't my post it was something else I was writing today. But either way, my days run together too. It's an interesting phenomenon.

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    2. You are so right. Isn't that what's amazing about life? Thanks! Yours has really had me thinking too lately

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  2. Every cloud has a silver lining dear. I plaster that smile on everyday as well. Good luck with your interview.
    XOXO

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    1. Thank you! The smoke is becoming more genuine every day, thank God.

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  3. Good luck with your interview. I really hope it goes well. Let yourself feel, and know that things will get better. The silver lining, as Katie said. I'm wishing you the best. Xx

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  4. Le sigh, I could read your writing for hours and hours. Spellbinding. And you ARE a fantastic candidate for the counseling program!

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    1. Thank you, I hope so. :) I'm telling you, I just write, but you always flatter me.

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  5. Is it ever just sex?
    Don't be afraid to let your emotions through. My guess is he cares. A lot.
    You're going to make a great case for yourself :) If you're anywhere near as eloquent in person as you are in print you're going to be accepted immediately.

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    1. No, I guess not. I'm trying not to. It's really hard sometimes.
      I laughed out loud. Eloquent would be the last word people would use to describe me in real life, but thank you!

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  6. Beautiful post dear. I know that mantra well. I hope that one day you won't have to pretend, that those issues will truly be a thing of the past, and your smile natural. Good luck with your interview tomorrow. As Emily said, if you're anywhere near as eloquent in person as you are in print, you'll rock it.
    Sending lots of love xx

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  7. Pretending is a way to find strength when it's all used from the inside. The last thing you can tangle while hoping for hope and better future. Box everything in the hollow darkness inside and move to the more radiant shell to get something to work for, something to hope for... kinda creating that little ray of light so that you won't get lost in the dark when you open up that box again. One day it can be something else than just sex.

    You truly are amazing candidate... and guess what, I'll tell you a secret now. This will take time and I'm not sure when it will finally happen or where will I go but... I decided to study psychology. I want away from Finland, that's for sure (thinking of UK). Hopefully in two years I'm in. Thanks for the inspiration lady, you're amazing and totally right person to their program. Btw, have you ever done the Jung typology test (Carl Jung's and Isabel Briggs Myers)? I got INFP (in Thailand I got INFJ) Just wondering... I kinda think you might have either one of those too.
    Love you <3

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    1. The ray of light is slowly growing and that's such a hopeful feeling. I think the interview went well and it's nice to be learning lessons from food things, not bad for once.

      I answered you back on yours in case you didn't see my reply here. You're so good! ENFP. :) I'm really extroverted.

      I think that's an absolutely fantastic idea! You'll be so good at it with as intuitive as you are! Ahhh so excited!
      You inspire me too so it's mutual. I love you lots!

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  8. I hope your interview went well darling, and beautiful writing as always <3
    Alice xx

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    1. Thanks love! I hope yore doing better! <3

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  9. It's so tough to be in a relationship (physical or otherwise) that has a ticking clock on it; no matter how hard you try to stay in the moment you'll always have one eye on the finish line. It's inevitable. How do you soften the landing? How do you say goodbye with your heart (mostly) intact? Perhaps you can't. That's just life. You weigh the risks against the rewards, you accept the consequences, and you learn from the experience.

    But I've no doubt that you're more prepared than most. A history of pain and loss and suffering is never far from your psyche, yet you're willing to stare your demons right in the eye and spit at them. Sex isn't just sex to someone who's been abused. It's a triumph over tragedy, a battle for self-worth, for control. And you're winning. You win every time you stand on your own - in the classroom, in the weight room, in the bedroom. In the kitchen, too. You're fighting for yourself dozens of times a day, and that can be exhausting. It doesn't stop you. You persevere. Like you said, it's a journey not a destination. You're on the road to recovery, unafraid to experience everything it has to offer. That alone qualifies you for any counseling program.

    I hope the interview went well. Scratch that, I know it did. You're smart and strong. You've got a huge heart and a thirst for knowledge. You live this stuff every day. They'd be crazy not to choose you.

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    1. I don't know. You can't fully. It's worth it, maybe? As long as you learn and grow.

      You just, wow. I can't really adequately answer this because it was so kind and so encouraging. Thank you so much Chris. It means a lot to me.

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