Don't Look Back

It's beginning to sink in, the fact that I have turned a new chapter in my life.
The pages of the old crackle beneath this fresh sheet and I can feel tears tugging at my eyes.
I read through some entries from this winter and I almost deleted them.
Being so weak makes me so ashamed.

"It's the journey, not the destination."

I loaded up everything into my car and looked around the living room at my mom's.
Tug at my heart.
You're never too old to be a momma's girl.
She and her boyfriend never judge me and they're so supportive.
Never hesitated to take me in after the breakup when I showed up on the doorstep with my things.
I didn't have time to do the dishes so I felt a twinge of guilt.

After last night, the reality of what I had done sunk in.
L and I stopped at a friend's, just making my goodbye rounds.
Tony called saying he was coming for his iPod and my dog.
I hadn't had time yet to add music and we were yelling at each other.
I had been told he'd been seeing a few girls all winter.
He denied in a genuinely earnest way, but who knows.
L and I went to my house to wait and Tony was telling him I'm a cheater and this and that so I slapped him.
I don't know why...
I'm so sorry...
Just hurt and angry..
He retaliated by punching L and I got in the middle and shoved him away.
I had a hold of his shirt and wouldn't let him go because I didn't want him to hurt L and when he jerked away it hurt my finger.
I should have controlled my emotions.
I should have broken up with him better, if there is such a way.
I shouldn't have seen him when he asked because he found hope. .the fact that we can't reconcile kills me.

I put the music on his iPod before I left and he gave me the orchid he had meant for me to have.
It's my favorite flower.
Tears me apart.
I remember he once have me one for Valentine's Day and said something to the effect that it was supposed to symbolize our relationship so it couldn't die.
Many beautiful orchid plants died since then.
I promise I'll keep this one alive.

I drove to L's work and gave him hug after hug and kisses meant to be the last ones but never were.
He's been my support, unwavering, through it all.
"God, please give me the strength..."
What happens now when the chaos of school begins?
I guess I see now that things had to be how they are for a reason.
No chances with Tony because it wasn't healthy.
I already made unhealthy ones as it was.
L and I wouldn't have had as strong of a foundation without the time we spent together.
I needed support to be healthier.
I'm amazed at the bullets God helps us dodge.

This morning I went to the gym for my final training session and pinch test.
"Lie detector" was written across one side of it.
Stepped on the scale and felt my heart momentarily sink.
142.
A three pound increase from the last time.
Then he pinched each area used to figure everything.
I was restless, moving my hands from my hips to messing with my shirt.
He looked up at me with his eyebrows raised and shaking his head at my disapproval.
"Wow! I can't believe this!"
I looked nervously at the paper quickly, just knowing I gained fat back since my eating had been less than clean the last few days and I had drank three days in a row.
"Okay, you increased by three pounds again but it was all muscle! You're now 115 pounds of lean muscle and you lost another third pound of fat. You went down from 19.06% body fat to 18.44%!"
A rush of air released from my anxious lungs and a giant grin replaced my furrowed brow.

I'm proud of myself.
I'm proud of my strength and my drive and my intense love of the weight room.
Take all the struggles and channel it through plates and dumbbells and bars.
I don't know why he decoded to train me for free, but I gave him a huge hug and thanked him for helping me to get healthy again.
So many people have saved me from the brink of going back.
I just never thought I would be here and it brings tears to my eyes.
I've thanked God a million times already.

I'm scared too.
Anorexia tells me not to feel because that's safer.
It tells me that change is scary and life is uncertain so to hold back.
It tells me lies and holds me hostage.
Depression locks out my blessings until I can't even count the big ones.
"Ugly, fat, whore."
No.
There's no more room for your voice.
I'm scared of more relapsing.
True recovery is an uphill battle and I'm applying to a counseling graduate program this fall.
Pressure is high.
"I'll bend but I won't break."

God give me the strength to accept what I can't change.
Teach me to not destroy myself when I meet an immovable force.
You're stronger.
Teach me to feel.
Teach me to pick up a dumbbell before I restrict.
Teach me to not blame myself and forgive myself for Tony.
Help me make this relationship better.
Help me to accept myself.

It's a new chapter.
Here's to a new journey.