Like Most Little Girls

I grew up learning self disdain like most little girls
Trial
     and error
             and trauma
Sticky fingers
Invasive
Immature eyes
I said no.
     "I'll tell a lie they'll believe about you"

Green eyes
Skimming emerald corn fields
Tempest blue sky
What are you looking for, little girl?
The world.

I learned self disdain like most little girls
Between lines of misread sheet music
Misplaced words
And in yellowing leaves
as they flutter down from the trees
Trying to catch them

But I don't want practice the piano
Chilled twilight outside
Fingers flow over keys 
   Black
                 White
Sharps
           Flats
Start-then stop
Why can't it be perfect?

Because I feel the music flowing perfectly inside me...

My piano teacher thinks I'm strange
I talk too much
Eat a bigger snack than the older girl.
She thinks I'm strange too.
I'm blunt.
I'm forward.

I'm big hearted. 

I'm unconventional.

Their eyes say they don't understand
Neither do I.

I learned self disdain like most little girls
Hidden between pages of my favorite books
Of fantasy
       And pain 

Good deeds
              Strong little girls and boys

Princesses on backs of dragons
Reality

Blue speckled lunch trays

"Why do you use such big words?"

                 Where will I sit
"Why do you like that?"

                 When my best friend tries the popular crowd
"Do you always do that?"

                 Again.

Casting no stones

because I am

                                          Alone. 

Buttoning coats of uncertainty for recess

Counting sparkles in the snow

While fingerprints melt into ice crystals on bus windows

Today
Tears are page markers.  

I learned self disdain like most little girls

Through hollow why's 

Simple how's 

Adapting by season 

Fading in and out

Searching shamed emotional lines in my mother's face

Finding something after their arguments like saving grace

Tattered squares and pieces of spirit

    and heart

        late at night

           eased by book

             mirror

                and art

I learned self disdain like most little girls