Friday, April 26, 2013

Like Most Little Girls



I grew up learning self disdain like most little girls
Trial
     and error
             and trauma
Sticky fingers
Invasive
Immature eyes
I said no.
     "I'll tell a lie they'll believe about you"

Green eyes
Skimming emerald corn fields
Tempest blue sky
What are you looking for, little girl?
The world.

I learned self disdain like most little girls
Between lines of misread sheet music
Misplaced words
And in yellowing leaves
as they flutter down from the trees
Trying to catch them

But I don't want practice the piano
Chilled twilight outside
Fingers flow over keys 
   Black
                 White
Sharps
           Flats
Start-then stop
Why can't it be perfect?

Because I feel the music flowing perfectly inside me...

My piano teacher thinks I'm strange
I talk too much
Eat a bigger snack than the older girl.
She thinks I'm strange too.
I'm blunt.
I'm forward.
I'm big hearted. 
I'm unconventional.

Their eyes say they don't understand
Neither do I.

I learned self disdain like most little girls
Hidden between pages of my favorite books
Of fantasy
       And pain 
Good deeds
              Strong little girls and boys

Princesses on backs of dragons
Reality

Blue speckled lunch trays
"Why do you use such big words?"
                 Where will I sit
"Why do you like that?"
                 When my best friend tries the popular crowd
"Do you always do that?"
                 Again.
Casting no stones
because I am
                                          Alone. 
Buttoning coats of uncertainty for recess

Counting sparkles in the snow
While fingerprints melt into ice crystals on bus windows
Today
Tears are page markers.  

I learned self disdain like most little girls
Through hollow why's 
Simple how's 
Adapting by season 
Fading in and out
Searching shamed emotional lines in my mother's face
Finding something after their arguments like saving grace

Tattered squares and pieces of spirit
    and heart
        late at night
           eased by book
             mirror
                and art


I learned self disdain like most little girls


    

16 comments:

  1. You have such a way with words. I loved it. Xx

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  2. This is beautiful dear. Very powerful words. The line "I learned self disdain like most little girls" is going to be running through my head all day!
    xx

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    1. Thanks girl! I was showering after the gym, not finding my work out enough as always, and that phrase just rolled around my mind. As soon as I got out I had to write it down. Really catchy. Then it just flowed.

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  3. You are a fantastic writer. I love this.

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    1. I never thought I was so thank you!

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  4. This is such a beautiful poem full of energy and soul.

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  5. This poem is great.
    Do most little girls learn self-disdain? You got me thinking. I don't think I learned to disdain myself until I was older and more aware. Before then I was unhappy but it was always because someone else was being mean to me for no reason. I had no concept of whether I was being rude or anything like that.
    But I can definitely believe the concept, I just can't validate it based on anything from my experience.
    I'd like to know what you were thinking about when you wrote this if you don't mind sharing. :)

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    1. I was thinking about my childhood. All lines of this poem are real. The first, my sexual abuse; the following ones are about the importance of music in my life and trying to get things right and coming to realize that maybe I wasn't like everyone else, how the seasons seemed to be very prevalent in time. I was the loyal friend, the outspoken and honest one. I now know that some strange behaviors I had were because I was a child sexual abuse victim and that's what we do. Kids are cruel. Adults are cruel. You go on thinking that you're just being you and just doing your best and being young and then the world around you points out that it's not okay and you start to dislike yourself because your normal isn't normal, but no one wants to help you or be there for you either. I was sad when I wrote this. Maybe some little girls get lucky like you you know? They never learn until later. Some of us were forced to learn to early, not that we wanted to.
      Just sad memories. I'll be a better person and all those cliches but realizing now what I didn't then hurts.

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    2. I'm glad you can find the eloquence to talk about this stuff like this. Dealing with hard memories is... well, hard, but it seems like these poems allow some kind of therapy. The memories will never go away but what you learned won't either and neither will the person that can write these beautiful things.
      Not the best life perhaps, but unfortunately it can't be changed and I love that you're turning it into something beautiful.

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    3. I realized I sounded snappy. I'm sorry if I did! I think they do. Some are just creative emotional outlets and some tell a story, like this.
      You know, I don't feel angry at the past. Very rarely. I feel like I get mad at myself for my inability to move faster in life.
      Thanks girl :) I'm definitely trying!

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  6. rain drop pretty. your poem is a saving grace letter for me...makes me feel less strange.

    love your natural way of expressing yourself

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    1. Thank you dear! I was pleased to find you do poetry too!
      We are ALL strange! I'll be the first to admit I am though and I want other people to be okay with opening up as well. <3

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