It's been a long time since I've felt the stirring to write, or the ability.
It's not poetic like usual, but I want to tell the story, in all it's grittiness.
Over the past few months I've felt my world change and illuminate in a way I never thought possible.
I spent the summer exploring myself, sitting outside on my front steps smoking and drinking with my neighbor,
Looking at the veiled stars above the city lights,
Drinking coffee under the tree at the park while my dog explored the area we'd seen a hundred times before.
My emotionally abusive (he'd disagree) boyfriend broke up with me for a beautiful girl he'd been friends with
And I slipped into a relationship with a close friend.
I look back and I feel guilty because I know now I ran to him because I needed someone that didn't have me parking my car two blocks away before I got home so that I could cry where he wouldn't see.
I needed to be myself and know it was okay.
It was easy to fall into talk of a future and it went too far.
My ex and I still had a lease and we still had chemistry and I found myself wrapped in his sheets between times his new girlfriend would fly in
And I would see mine
Feeling that torturous question of character.
You know what I hate most?
I loved him still.
I hate him and I love him and he was a virus inside of my heart.
Thanksgiving came and despite the way my family loved him, it didn't feel just right.
We were at dinner and my mom thought I said something in a way that implied I was ashamed of something she did and I clarified what I meant.
Immediately, in front of everyone, he told me I was selfish and mean.
It happened again.
Later that night we talked and he didn't ask me what had happened between my mom and I, why I felt it was difficult to show emotions with her,
The dynamics and the history of the messy coming of age I had.
We didn't see eye to eye.
Instead of asking me how I felt and listening, he shut down, said he wouldn't say anything at all.
The attraction was never there.
I hated that he was this intelligent person who let bad choices earlier in his life cause him to lose the fire and ambition.
And so, until my birthday I didn't talk to him much.
I couldn't even try anymore and I began to resent him.
On my birthday, my friends planned a going out to a bar and so I invited a guy friend of mine to come along.
I don't know why I did that, but it seemed like what I wanted in the moment, to flirt, to be free again I suppose.
My two friends and I went to meet him at the bar, he said he brought his friends.
It was an Irish pub style bar where the drinks were strong and the crowd was relaxed.
We walked up to the table and I saw him.
Not my friend.
I only saw him the whole night and we talked and talked, but he held back.
When the bars closed down my friend was making out with one of his friends and I was going into my friend's room.
I don't know why we had sex...
I look back and I think, that was the moment I knew I couldn't keep up with this game where I was telling myself that I was this empowered woman who was attractive and smart and doing whatever I wanted was part of that process.
When I went home that day his friend and I messaged and a week later he was driving 45 minutes to my city to have dinner.
I want to hold on to it forever.
We talked and talked and found that we had so much in common and soon we were back at my apartment.
There was this moment where we paused and suddenly leaned in and kissed and it was the most amazing moment, but it was amazing because that was all it was, a kiss.
He stayed over that night and it was so perfectly innocent.
We saw each other the next day and the next and then I went away for Christmas and my friend that I was dating and I fought and discussed the end.
I was honest with this new one, I told him I didn't know, but I needed out of this.
There was a struggle, I couldn't say the words I needed to say...
Finally, it came.
I was having this dual relationship and I had to end it.
That was the first shift, when I started doing the right thing for once.
And for once I was spending time with this amazing person who kissed me and told me he didn't want to sleep with me yet.
He said, "I want you, but I want YOU."
The first pieces of all the broken things I had tried to clean up began to slowly come together and then all at once.
I told my ex we couldn't sleep together anymore when it happened a few times when my new guy and I were seeing each other and he was upset.
He said that we had an agreement and I was manipulative and not a real friend but for once, doing the right thing, having boundaries, sloppy ones, but boundaries, was more empowering then anything else I had been doing since.
Things exploded with growth from there.
The moments are so beautiful and so pure, so infinitely perfect.
He touched the scars on my thighs and never said a word.
When I asked him he said what happened in the past doesn't define who I am in the future.
When I cried after a sad movie he held me close and kissed my head.
When my ex moved out because he was mad at me he drove three nights a week to my city to watch my dog.
He took me on day dates, lounged with me and watched movies, spent all his free time and was so proud of me.
I can't tell you how fantastic it is to be with someone who you can trust completely and who nurtures your soul and heals your heart.
I didn't think that I was going to live this life, after everything that happened to me. I felt too damaged, though I had pieced myself together as best as I could.
Somehow I found this amazing human being that I thank God for because I know I did so many things that didn't warrant a deserving of this.
I got a counseling internship in his city.
I'm traveling to South America for spring break.
My dad went to jail for domestic abuse against my step mother and I still can't sort out how I feel about our estranged relationship, where we try and keep in contact by strings.
And at two months and a week, he and I signed a lease together.
It's crazy and I know it, but I think he's the one and life has never been so beautiful.
Nothing and everything makes sense and finally I'm making the real right choices.
I know this was a bit lengthy and not in my usual style, but I can't even do anything but feel it all so deeply.
I miss you all, say hi and let me know if you're still out there!