Thursday, March 6, 2014


I think I said it more for my benefit than yours.
You don't usually say it to me over text or respond to it.
But this time you did.
I don't think we love each other.
Is that really the sad piece of this story though?
There was this belief that I could transcend where he found me
That I could believe I was beautiful and confident and become that stoic woman on the outside he craved.
I've always had the uncanny ability to be with people who missed their exes and whom I could never measure up to though.
Never was able to stop comparing myself to the previous relationship even though I managed to become more confident and stop hating myself.
We all have our bad habits.
He's sleazy.
He talks to these girls with an intoxicating mix of confidence and empathy.
He sees their hurts and soothes them with an understanding no one had before him.
He's attractive and seductive.
I get it.
I know he believes she's perfect for him
And she believes he is too
But she's not coming back to his state and he's not moving there.
Yet he pulls my body close at night, sometimes kissing my shoulder or hair
"I love you" softly rolling into the dimly lit room we've shared since September.
I'm no longer undee the assumption that I was more than a vulnerable pretty face, quick to please and to help.
I drive to school.
I drive to work.
I fill my days with hopes and reminders of reality,  resume boosters, longing, and the knowledge that I don't have it all figured out.
I wake up with a sheet wrapped around my bare chest to keep away the chill from my exposed heart
Promising myself that I'll learn one new word a day, look into hobbies besides lifting, watch a documentary, and be more independent.
The shortness of his text messages on my screen and the length on hers amd others says enough.
And the joke about me not being that interesting.
And convenient.
But reassurance that he only wants to be with me.
"You're going to figure out what you like, dammit!"
I chastise myself as my knuckles turn white gripping my steering wheel tightly.
Ten and two.
I just need to find the things that keep me absorbed longer than a few weeks...
Or learn to accept ny personality
And stop thinking it's a sign of unintelligence.
Would you want to be with a man long term who didn't want to give you all he could and who found it okay to speak to others like that?
Sexual and complimentary.
"That makes it less special when you say it to me and it's someone else's job to say it to them anyway."
I talked myself into believing that saying that dripped with insecurity and wasn't worth me saying anyway.
That I demonstrated why I wasn't attractive.
I'm sure she IS perfect.
But I'm not that bad either.
Wishing you were down on your knees begging me to stay
Making your case instead of me perpetually making mine.
That wasn't why I fell for you though
So I might as well give it up.
Maybe you do love me.
Maybe you just don't know how to do it right.
Maybe you don't think what you're doing points to the contrary.
Some days I wish I was that naive.
Or not.
I have two jobs now.
I'm in graduate school.
I've come a long way and push to go further.
I work out.
I try to be kind.
I try to be the best I can be
The desire to hurt you like you have been hurting me was so strong
But half hearted.
That's not me and why be on your level anyway.
I'm settling on making this a game,
The one you manipulated it to be.
We'll play ordinary couple
Complete with nicknames and I love yous.
I don't have the heart to embrace that I hate you for what you won't see in me.
Not yet anyway.
I'm working on not accepting less than I deserve
So for now we can keep the pleasantries.


  1. I've been there. Feeling like I'm constantly compared to the ex. You wrote this absolutely beautifully Eve. I've missed reading. Stay kind to yourself.

  2. I am glad you realized that the desire to hurt him for hurting you was not strong...that only causes more hurt with us. We can control a lot of things in life, but we cannot control someone else's feelings for us. No matter how much we want to. I am 100% confident you will find the love you've always dreamd of someday. Don't stop believing.

    1. I know and I know I sound like such a girl... I just felt all that emotion and had to pour it out, you know?

  3. you deserve to be picked first and loved fiercely. hoping for the best for you.


  4. You know how I feel about him, and how I feel about you. S is 100% right, you deserve someone who is all about you. Don't strive to be what he wants, or at least don't do it for him. He should love you for who and what you are, and if he doesn't -- if his pleasantries ring hollow -- then let him go. It's hard, Eve. You can say goodbye with your mouth and mind, but your heart will still linger. Perhaps this is happening now, or will soon. I'm not sure, it's been a while since I've heard from you. I always feel so far behind in your story.

    You've got plenty of good things to occupy your time -- two jobs, school, lifting. I'm sure you read a lot, too. Now's the time to discover yourself, find something new that you can enjoy solo. Do you, as you once told me. Get to know and appreciate what a unique and worthwhile person you are on your own, and that genuine, unconditional love will follow.

    Be good to yourself girl. Miss you :)

    1. This was such a kind comment. Thanks so much Chris. You're always so insightful and that means the world. I swear I'm getting back to your email asap! :)