Monday, March 31, 2014


"Alcohol will take you to places you've never been and never want to be again.  I went to bed with two married women. I'll never know if I broke up marriages or if I have a child... I'll never know. It's a bad place to be in, doing anything you want just to make yourself happy, don't care who you hurt as long as you're happy."
The worn face of the recovered veteran looked at my young, naive one.
I felt something inside me draw in, further from the outside walls of my skin, where no one could see my guilt.

I want to write so bad but these days the words are few.
Starting, stopping, unfinished thoughts.
Some lesson I've been learning or mulling through only to realize it's more of a snapshot in my mind,
Then it's gone.
Or it's a piece of writing removed from myself, pushed back from the heart of how I really feel.
I enjoy my new job working with homeless veterans at a transitional house.
Their banter and teasing, words of wisdom, and kindness touch my heart.
Then the weekend comes and I do family support work.
And in between, school.
One morning I realized I didn't dread waking up to the day ahead.
One day I realized I stopped speaking to myself hatefully.
One night I realized that I could do anything if I just removed the mental blocks.
I have literally spent months, fucking MONTHS trying to become a better person, accept hard truths about myself and my past, reject urges to fall into negative behaviors, and tried to get better daily at empathy and selflessness.
You know what? It wasn't worth it. It was worth it in that he was helpful to my growth but trying for this relationship wasn't.
I've never been called what he has called me and I've never been treated so crappy but thank you.
You gave me a dose of my own medicine.
There was a time when I was cheating on all my boyfriends, making selfish choices and blowing my friends off, not calling my family, only stopping by to eat and sleep, just making a path of destruction and some of these people stuck with me.
They stuck with me through my relapse into anorexia, through my few months of drinking and partying, my few years of cheating, all of that and they loved me.
I'm so blessed.
Like I didn't even deserve that and that's the amazing thing isn't it?
We can sit around and complain and get upset that someone didn't do this or that or that we have to do something for someone when it's not necessarily convenient for us but at one point we weren't the convenient favor either.
His rudeness literally makes me want to stab my own eyes out.
I walk into the house where I find my best friend and she tells me about the parents that tell their children that they are stupid and yell at her, yell at the caseworker, yell yell yell.
Stop it.
I literally cannot stand people right now.
I cannot believe how heartless they can be and how selfish we can be.
Oh, and shallow.
So I'm not the prettiest or skinniest.
I'm also a sweetheart and I'll give you as much as my huge heart can.
I've been an awful person and I've been a decent person.
I've struggled and fell and gotten up again.
Here's the thing, no one is required to keep toxic people in their lives.
No one is required to allow themselves to be taken advantage of or hurt or any of that nonsense.
Today at work when he looked at me and told me that story, about his drinking and his recovery and then how kind to me and others he was I was once again reminded that there are good people in this world.

What I meant to say out of all that was:
I have held on to toxic people for too long and I let them cause me to question and hate myself and that is absolutely not necessary. You don't need them either.
Negative self-talk gets you nowhere. It's easier to see opportunities when you're optimistic, hopeful, and not such a jerk to yourself.
Someone in the world isn't going to think you're attractive or awesome. That doesn't mean you aren't.
There's a difference between giving and being taken advantage of. Give yourself some credit and realize your self-worth.
I don't have to be a lady all the time if I don't want to. I'm going to burp, I'm going to swear, and I'm not going to dress nice all the time. That's fine.
Find a hobby.
Learn something every day.
Be empathetic first.
Be thankful.
Be kind.
Above all, there's no reason to be apologetic for the person you are. Just don't be a dick.



  1. We really do become a reflection of who we surround ourselves with. If we surround our self with loving people, we will love ourselves. If we surround ourselves with negative people, we will loathe ourselves.

    1. It's absolutely true. We don't realize the effect we have on others or what effect they have on us.

  2. I love you, your strength, your advice, your raw honesty. Every part of you is beautiful. I wish I could be half the person you are, such an inspiration. xxx

    1. But you are lovely. :) you're amazing and you're such a sweetheart. I'm so glad to know you. This meant so much to me. Thank you. I love you.

  3. Yes to this post. Unfortunately, one of my toxic relationships lately has been a sibling. Cutting it off has made me feel a bit bitchy, but given the history and circumstances, I realize this is what's best for me right now. Some time down the road, we could have the possibility to open that relationship up. But you're right. I hope between work and school you have time to be the awesome badass that you are. Love ya hon.

    1. Aw girl... I'm sorry to hear that. I know how hard it's been with him. Just give it time. He might come around. I love you and can't wait to see you. :)

  4. You're out there making the world a better place and I'm sitting here wondering when you're going to blog again, lol. It sounds like you've got plenty of thoughts and ideas but not enough time to explore them. That's not a bad thing at all.

    I'm glad you're back, and I loved this post so much even though it forced me to confront my own issues and lack of self-improvement. So much raw truth in this. It was like a declaration, a monologue. You know how sometimes readers can feel a well-written blog post or story? I could feel it and see it, as if you were performing it on stage or screen.

    "So I'm not the prettiest or skinniest." Pshaw. Those things are SO overrated. Depth and intelligence and strength of character are so much more attractive than a small waist and a nice ass. "Someone in the world isn't going to think you're attractive or awesome. That doesn't mean you aren't." Damn straight Eve. Don't forget that.

    I've got a lot more to say about this post (was bored at work so I printed it & made notes) but I don't want to take up any more of your time. It's just such a thrill to see you reinforce these truths to yourself and others.


    1. I don't know about that but thanks for thinking I am! I never have good responses to your comments because you're so good at summing things up then giving me perspective. Wow. Thank you Chris. Thanks for taking time to read.

  5. don't be forced to be a lady...don't let them change you, don't let them tame you... be you... be authentic... don't let anyone label you.. don't let anyone take away your happiness... if something bothers you, change it, ditch it.. I'm glad you're embracing yourself and taking care of yourself...even if that means crossing over some bad seeds in your life.

    1. Thanks dear. Harder done than said. You're right, I'm not going to let them.

  6. I love you. Your posts are always so thought-provoking, even if I can't find words to express them. I know I've always had a problem with holding onto toxic people because I'm so scared of losing everyone. It's like, I'd rather know there's someone *there*, even if all they do is hurt me. I'm working on it but it's gonna be a hard habit to break.
    What you said about someone in the world isn't going to think you're attractive or awesome but that doesn't mean you aren't, reminds me of a quote by Dita Von Teese that I love.
    "You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches."
    Whether you're writing or not, you're in my thoughts and I hope you're doing okay. Love <3 xx

    1. Yes! I'm always afraid ams I hate letting people go. I love that quote. So true. I love you dear. Lots and lots.