Tuesday, January 7, 2014
"Here's the truth, about everything. I lied about one major thing to you up until now. We were always going to take this semester off, then see how we felt at the end of the semester and see if we could do long distance. I didn't tell you that."
"We did break up before I left. I was not with her."
"You were in a way."
"Sorta, yes. However, I didn't do anything with her. I told her about you, she told me about a guy she met."
"I knew I was second. I'm not stupid."
"You were first, always."
"Come on. Seriously."
"From the bottom of my heart."
"I'm not stupid."
Yes I am.
"With every ounce of honesty I have."
"And then you went home."
"I loved you more than all."
"I told her it was over."
"Why? Why me?"
"Because you were like me. As fucked up and wrecked as me. And you got parts of me that I never even showed other people. So you listen to me, you were always first. We went to lunch, I told her I didn't want distance, told her you were coming to town, said I would be respectful, but I was through. I formulated this plan for when you came here, if everything worked out. Maybe it's fucked up, I'll admit that, but I had planned to give you this chance. When I saw you come over, with rosy tinted eyes, and I said, "Have you been crying?" and you said "Yes, that's a possibility," you teared up again. But you held it in, and I knew you were the strong exterior, soft interior that I craved all my life. I knew it. So I made this plan to give you the situation again and see if you wold hold true or crack. I set it up, dropped hints, said "Don't do anything until you come here, okay?" Stuff like that to give you a chance."
"That's not fair. You made it seem like I had to be a China doll and you could be wild."
"I know it seemed that way. It's all about seeming that way to test you because I'm fucked up in the head and I manipulate. I wanted to see you, by yourself, how do you react?"
"I react like a person that was hurt."
"You have to be strong and do what you think is right, no matter who is watching. I need someone with strong morals, and so do you. We have trust issues and we need to have that comfort in our partner or it will never work."
It was trial and error strung through good intentions and hurt.
When the mania of finals had faded I was left to watch the snow fall out my window,
My heart miles away in the dessert.
How was I going to move on?
How was I going to run into him when I was in town to see my friends?
When he said we could make this work, it was like an electrical jolt to my heart.
There's not always romantic words for love,
Or I just don't know them.
We're the same, I know that, bound by the scandals and temptations of our hearts.
Mixed with bold cowardice and conventional reactions to selfishness.
I've seen what's inside,
Told me his secrets.
And found that there is something diabolically
About that which lives inside us.
The ugliness, parasitic indulgence living
Writhing under the skin.
Catatonic leaves resting at the bottom, those good intentions.
I bit the apple because the wildness of my captivity is just
Can you look away from what might be your own demise?
I know with certainty that for this moment, we are unable to separate
Coming back over and over
And I'm not sure if it's because we can't pry ourselves from the mirror that we embody for each other.
"We're like water from two different glasses that we poured into a pitcher. It gets mixed up and you can't tell which is from either glass. When you pour it back into the cups, it takes from both. That's how it will be if it doesn't work."
I leaned into his side, arm around me, making swirls on his arm.
"We'll never be the same. I know that."
We are just two monsters
Staying up late
Huddled by the light
Thinking we can change.