Tuesday, January 7, 2014


"Here's the truth, about everything. I lied about one major thing to you up until now. We were always going to take this semester off, then see how we felt at the end of the semester and see if we could do long distance. I didn't tell you that."
"I knew."
"We did break up before I left. I was not with her."
"You were in a way."
"Sorta, yes. However, I didn't do anything with her. I told her about you, she told me about a guy she met."
"I knew I was second. I'm not stupid."
"You were first, always."
"Come on. Seriously."
"From the bottom of my heart."
"I'm not stupid."
Yes I am.
"With every ounce of honesty I have."
"And then you went home."
"I loved you more than all."
"I told her it was over."
"Why? Why me?"
"Because you were like me. As fucked up and wrecked as me. And you got parts of me that I never even showed other people. So you listen to me, you were always first. We went to lunch, I told her I didn't want distance, told her you were coming to town, said I would be respectful, but I was through. I formulated this plan for when you came here, if everything worked out. Maybe it's fucked up, I'll admit that, but I had planned to give you this chance. When I saw you come over, with rosy tinted eyes, and I said, "Have you been crying?" and you said "Yes, that's a possibility," you teared up again. But you held it in, and I knew you were the strong exterior, soft interior that I craved all my life. I knew it. So I made this plan to give you the situation again and see if you wold hold true or crack. I set it up, dropped hints, said "Don't do anything until you come here, okay?" Stuff like that to give you a chance."
"That's not fair. You made it seem like I had to be a China doll and you could be wild."
"I know it seemed that way. It's all about seeming that way to test you because I'm fucked up in the head and I manipulate. I wanted to see you, by yourself, how do you react?"
"I react like a person that was hurt."
"You have to be strong and do what you think is right, no matter who is watching. I need someone with strong morals, and so do you. We have trust issues and we need to have that comfort in our partner or it will never work."

It was trial and error strung through good intentions and hurt.
When the mania of finals had faded I was left to watch the snow fall out my window,
My heart miles away in the dessert.
How was I going to move on?
How was I going to run into him when I was in town to see my friends?
When he said we could make this work, it was like an electrical jolt to my heart.
There's not always romantic words for love,
Or I just don't know them.
We're the same, I know that, bound by the scandals and temptations of our hearts.
Mixed with bold cowardice and conventional reactions to selfishness.
I've seen what's inside,
Told me his secrets.
And found that there is something diabolically
About that which lives inside us.
The ugliness, parasitic indulgence living
Writhing under the skin.
Catatonic leaves resting at the bottom, those good intentions.
I bit the apple because the wildness of my captivity is just
Can you look away from what might be your own demise?
I know with certainty that for this moment, we are unable to separate
Coming back over and over
And I'm not sure if it's because we can't pry ourselves from the mirror that we embody for each other.

"We're like water from two different glasses that we poured into a pitcher. It gets mixed up and you can't tell which is from either glass. When you pour it back into the cups, it takes from both. That's how it will be if it doesn't work."
I leaned into his side, arm around me, making swirls on his arm.
"We'll never be the same. I know that."

We are just two monsters
Staying up late
Huddled by the light
Thinking we can change.


  1. Ugh... this guy. Testing you, pushing and pulling you, toying with your heartstrings. I want to shake this guy and scream at him "Get it together, man! Do you want to be with Eve or not?" Sigh. I'm sorry things are so complicated with him. I wish it was easier for you one way or the other: clean break or happy ending. You deserve clarity.

    These stories about him prove that two people can be so perfect for each other and yet so detrimental at the same time. Is is possible that you're too similar? Yin needs Yang, not another Yin. Or something.

    1. You always do so well at analyzing situations and I love it. Who knows? I just ride it out. I need more Yin. :D

  2. I agree with Chris - he is most definitely testing you and pushing and pulling you. It's a vicious cycle that I hope you can get out of - it's a cycle that leads to unhappiness. I know you know that deep down :) you don't deserve to be unhappy.

    1. You always say the nicest things. Thanks. I'll try to remember that. :D

  3. Diabolically seductive....i like that, and i know that game...and it's both pleasure and pain, isn't it? ...addictive, hurtful, rough, tough and bittersweet... i've been playing that too.for a while, all i can say is, watch out.
    Beautifully written!

    1. I hope you get out of it. It's not a good place to be and you're such a beautiful person, Ivette.

  4. oh, my love... what are we going to do about him? can you live a life hinted with his water? without him, i know that not to be an easy existence... but in retrospect, is anything easy? perhaps to lay with him and just forget the world....that.... that, would be easy.

    1. Nothing is easy, and I know that you would stay, maybe write more beautiful words to describe it when I can't, and that brings the situation comfort. <3

  5. I don't know whether this is beautiful or horrendous. It must be beautiful to find someone who knows you inside out and you know him inside out. But the way he is treating you is horrendous. It feels almost as if you are trapped, and that makes me feel so bad for you. He needs to learn to treat you right to keep you. You deserve only the best lovely, because you are the best! Love you loads xxxxxxx

    1. Sometime beautiful things are horrendous, but that makes them so much more beautiful. Thanks girl. Love you to the moon and back.

    2. I never thought about it like that before - beautiful things being horrendous. I love the way you make me think. <3 You're so special xx

  6. love is blind you don't choose the ones you love unfortunately.xx

    dreaming is believing

    1. It really is, but sometimes you only learn to sense other things that you can't when your eyes are wide open. <3

  7. "We're like water from two different glasses that we poured into a pitcher. It gets mixed up and you can't tell which is from either glass. When you pour it back into the cups, it takes from both. That's how it will be if it doesn't work."
    I leaned into his side, arm around me, making swirls on his arm.
    "We'll never be the same. I know that."

    I know what it's like to love like that, I've been there and I'm all mixed up with the two glasses separated. When you've gotten to the point where the two become one, neither human being will ever be the same.

    1. It's sort of tragic beautiful, I suppose. I think we all need something like that once in a while.