Friday, January 17, 2014

Alive

"The shortest distance between two points is the line from me to you." 

I laughed. Really laughed.
And I cried. Really cried.
In different clothes but always naked.
Feeling the sun on my shoulders
Picking an orange off a tree as we walked.
Escaping the winter
Looking for that premature spring
Between us.

I find comfort in the way he can predict me with near flawless skill.
He seems to know me better than I know myself.
I always romanticize this thing, whatever it is.
Couldn't grasp the aftermath of Christmas break.
It had been so raw and candid, the words we chose.
Struggling over each syllable.
The funny thing about the truth is that it gets easier,
As freeing as Jesus promised it would be.
Though I never seemed to be good at doing what they suggested.
For my own good.
Let me burn in my own conquest.


It's amazing to me, the way life ebbs and flows.
Where was I this time last year?
Trying to make something work that was broken long before I ended things.
Doubting and hating
Trying to tear away the skin
Like there would be something more underneath.
Last night my professor told us that it's amazing, the amount of things a person can cope with.
It's strange to think that just one year ago I was different, at a lower place.
People.
They have a large impact on our lives.
Relationships over and under
Lapping
At the sand and stone that make up our very foundations.
And some
Rebuild with mortar.

I learned a lot, watching signs pass on the freeway.
It's a scary thing, when you let someone inside.
I once read that it was important, the way a father treated his wife in front of his child.
She would learn how she was meant to be treated by the way he loved her mother.
Sadly, relationships are lacking and little girls are crawling into bed with devils at 2 am,
Wishing they were pretty as they slide off bra straps and dresses covering self-conscious thighs.
My father taught me that money is more important than people
And that it's not okay to be emotional,
That if you're struggling you should feel ashamed.
A woman should remain as cold on the interior as her exterior.
Thank you, father. That's one of the qualities that he loves me for.
For the cool exterior, anyway.
Although he asks for me to learn to be soft again.
Over break he took it in stride, letting me speak with words that didn't always make sense,
Learning to express the emotions I had long held in.

I don't care anymore because for once, I'm so fucking happy.
We ate double bacon cheese burgers
Delicious freedom.
Across the table from one another, turning the burger over and over in my hands,
Not because I was afraid of it, but because I needed to figure out the angle of my attack.
So juicy, taking big bites, laughing at the ketchup on my face.
We'd been driving all day,
Getting out to kiss at the edge of the Grand Canyon
Wind whipping
Exhilarating possibility of the fall
But we already had.
Alive.
We got out to run breathless through a field and explore.
Air colder in my lungs
Cheeks rosy
Alive.
I sat at my chair as a new master's student.
Nervous and excited, knowing that I was leaving behind the bad
Pioneering the good
And prying my fingers off my comfort zone.
Alive.

It's a process,
Beautiful, painful, introspective and retrospective
Changing with kaleidoscope intensity.
Look away,
Dive deeper.
Healing, healing.

I think,
I think I'm learning what it means to be truly happy.
And I'm so alive.

16 comments:

  1. So that's where you've been! And here I was worrying about you, lol. This is so different from most of what you write, I can feel the sunshine burst off the screen. You're in a good place now, much better than a year ago or even a month ago. I hope you're able to stay there for a long, long time :)

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    1. :) I'm so glad things have changed and I'm not being the Debbie Downer for once. It's a struggle, growing up, but I would rather be here than anywhere else.

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  2. "Pioneering the good..."

    That's fuckin awesome. What's cool is that was the only line I personally needed to read but it was at the end so I got the rest of the good shit before it.

    Keep writing.

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    1. Haha thanks :) I'm always glad when you can take something from it.

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  3. You've come so far in the last year, and I'm ever-thankful you've shared your journey and let us come along with you. It mightn't have been a straight path forward, but I'm so proud of how far you've come. Imagine where you'll be another year from now :)

    Beautiful photos! We have an amazing photo of the Grand Canyon framed on the lounge room wall; mum took it when she went to the states back in the 70s. And one of my mates went over recently, and he's got a photo of himself playing his didgeridoo right at the edge.

    Re: I actually found it quite interesting that you said your mom needing an oxygen mask triggered her PTSD. I had the same problem when I was in hospital. I could deal with the little nose prong things, but the full mask freaked me out to no end, so I'm glad I'm not the only one.

    Take care of yourself beautiful. Don't forget I love you bunches <3 xx

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    1. I'm thankful you've been there when it's been so hard. The days are no longer agonizing and I finally have real hope. As I've told you before, you've meant the world to me doing all the encouraging when I didn't believe in myself.
      It was beautiful! You almost couldn't believe what you were seeing because it was so big and so beautiful and there was so much to take in. Ha that sounds like a great photo!
      Yes, she had the nose ones after a while and then a slight mask that had open parts that didn't go around her head. You definitely aren't alone deary.
      I love you too! Lots and lots!

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  4. "Exhilarating possibility of the fall
    But we already had" oh how I loved this line...beautifully romantic.

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  5. Replies
    1. I've never been good at letting go.
      <3

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  6. I have missed you dear. I agree. Time flies by us before we even realize it's gone. It's hard to imagine where we were just a short year ago. And a year from now, we will wonder the same thing. Hold on to the happy moments dear.
    XOXO

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    1. It does. It's already been a year, January is almost over, soon it will be summer then winter again. So many things to learn and do and see and feel. Life is scary but it's beautiful. Thanks for hanging in there love. <3

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  7. embrace that new road my dear....not all of us can afford to be happy...,and i dont mean it in a financial way.... enjoy it!

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    1. Well, I hope that you are, because you're a beautiful person. It would be a shame to not se that smile more. :)

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  8. i've been so distant from you it feels. i'm sorry my dear. but i am so happy that you are feeling so alive… it makes me smile :) i wanted to point out what ryan has already. i really liked that.

    xx

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    Replies
    1. Where have you been lovely? I've missed you. :) It comes and goes. Maybe it was just an initial and I'm still chasing it. Who knows.

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