Saturday, November 23, 2013

When You're Alive

"Sun and Moon" by Ocean Lab (Evan Duffy cover)

It's strange, that moment of disconnect.
"I really think we should just be friends."
"Alright. Did something happen?"
"I'm extremely unhappy all the time."
"Because of school?"
"And you."
"Sorry. What did I do?"
"Maybe nothing. Spark is gone. We just lost honesty and communication along the way. I kept trying to fix it, but you were either oblivious or unable. Either way, I'm not mad or angry but it's over. Just leave it at that."
"I was honest with you. I couldn't always communicate but I was honest. We did what we could. No hard feelings. It was  great few months, doesn't change that you're a fun and great friend or how I feel about you."

Painfully real.
             Don't go....
and lust.
That was his riddle.
Tongue scraping the backs of our teeth.
Finding out which it was.

I want to fix this.
There's something in my chest longing to pull it back together.
Tears coming to my eyes.
That indescribable ache.
It doesn't matter in the moment,
The evidence before our eyes
That it's run it's course.

He made me feel so alive.

Scrambling to ground myself in fact:
What I learned
Memories that were good
Things I felt that I had never before
      Things I should have done differently...
          Ways I could have been different, not wasted our limited time.
She said I wasn't allowed to blame myself, my friend and I, as we talked about it.
It was two nights ago,
Laying in the dark as he and I had so many times.
"I think this will be good for you, learning to let go."
"Maybe. When you have something so good it's just hard. I want to make it last."

Just a little more time....

The first night we talked,
I was sitting against his closet,
his friend to my left against the desk,
and he leaning against the leg of his bed.
His eyes, that ruddy hazel
Hair a little past his shoulders
Air of self-confidence rooted deep
Showing in the comfortable way he sat.
The first night we kissed,
As though we couldn't be close enough.
Seductive gazes across diner tables
Hands stroking thighs under the table
Comments holding double meaning
One for now
The other for late night laters.
The first time we melted into each other.
The bruise on my shin when he pushed me against the bed.
Skin to skin
And heavy with need.
His body, slightly blurry from
Eyes that just woke up.
A kiss here.
Heart flutter there.
A succession of moments

We should be grateful for those pieces of time someone allows us to merge into.
Grateful for the lessons they plant into our stubborn skin with
Soft or
Abrasive lessons.
Let them seep between the cracks of our
All but sealed hearts.

But for now,
It burns inside these spaces I coaxed open in myself
The places I left bare,
Pain will fade with time,
Lessons we collect in youth.
Maybe I'll let it burn,
These emotions
Maybe I'll cry
Because that's what you're supposed to do
When you're alive.


  1. :( I'm so sorry Eve. So sorry it ended. Yes, you cry now, you should and need to cry because the rock hard surface won't heal anything. If you just feel it the pain will go away only after you feel it.
    Lots of hugs honey. It's going to be alright and it's true, you can learn from this. But what ever happened wasn't because of you. Know that <3

    1. I did a little. I don't understand how one person that you knew for only a few months could make you feel so strongly and hurt so deeply. I sound crazy, like it meant too much, but I cared and felt a lot of things.
      I feel like it was my fault but I'm trying to tell myself it wasn't.
      <3 I need a hug

  2. It's always so painful when these things happen...when love ends. It's hard to hear those words but it's much better to hear them than to always be wondering. There is a quote that I really love "someday someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anybody else".

    1. You're absolutely right. I'm just being girl. :)

  3. oh my God..when I read that you knew that person only for months I realized we must be under the same spell.....I had never been in love until I met my ex..we were only together for 4 or 5 months but since the day I met him I knew I was screwed..I was already head over hills in love...I still am, I still ache, I still cry, I still can't move on... I can't, I don't want someone else... you can't replace a person with another can't fill a void space in your heart with other things... yes, "time will heal" they say...well, for me it's been 2 years..time hasn't done shit..and neither will he...this poem describes what I've felt so well... it's sad, but true...that's how love goes....ain't love grand?

    1. That's hard because he formed an ideal in your mind that you now fiercely protect. keep your heart and mind open sweets.

  4. Oh Eve, I'm so sorry. I want to reach my arms around the globe to give you a hug. Please don't blame yourself, these things happen. I know there's not much I can say to help, but I wish I could take this pain away from you.
    Love you beautiful girl. You're in my thoughts <3 xx

    1. I know it's just really hard not to and not to want to fuck or do more or do less. I love you too. Lots and lots.

  5. "The places I left bare,Vulnerable.Pain will fade with time, Lessons we collect in youth. Maybe I'll let it burn, These emotions Maybe I'll cry Because that's what you're supposed to do When you're alive."

    That's real talk exquisitely laid out. Nice.

    1. Thanks :) it's hard being bare open like this

  6. "Seductive gazes across diner tables
    Hands stroking thighs under the table
    Comments holding double meaning
    One for now
    The other for late night laters."

    that's it. those little things. those are the things that keep me feeling alive. as if him and i are the only ones who exist. you know what i'm saying.

    1. It's horrible and beautiful the way people can ignite you like that. Yes, I know exactly.