Monday, September 1, 2014


"Have you ever read the Big Book? 
"Oh, a few pages for class." 
"I want you to read this paragraph." 
He handed me the Alcoholics Anonymous book with an Ace of clubs tucked inside as a bookmark. 

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation-some fact of my life-unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes." 

So often the veterans at the transitional house bring solace to my aching mind these days. 
Growing pains I suppose you could call them. 
"What's the right answer?" I beg of them, eyes soft but piercing. 
I've sat in a chair on the porch of the transitional house nearly every evening shift this summer, legs pulled up, gazing across the street at the greens of the trees, vibrant pinks and purples of the flowers, peeling yellow house on the far right, and the smell of clean air and rain. 
"What's the secret to life?" I've asked a few of them. 
Some tell me I have to find out for myself because everyone's definition of happy is different. 
One told me that I need to make a list of my good qualities of my bad and see if I can be okay with the things I can't change then make a list of all the things I want to do in my life. 
In regards to love they tell me to find someone that is my best friend, that I can be completely honest with and talk to. 
It always makes me sad to think that so often these people are the ones that society has cast off and yet they have such simple and profound wisdom. 
"The 20's are hard." I tell them. 
Some say that they had a great decade, some say they spent it in the service or doing things like drugs and other activities they shouldn't have been doing.

I'm confused and I'm depressed. 
Sometimes I think that my relationship is a joke and like it wouldn't matter if I was there or not. 
All people are replaceable if we're being honest, and sometimes I think I'm more trouble than I'm worth.
Or at least he kind of seems that way at times.
Man I could go for a week at my mom's house, just hiding away with people I know love me.
That safe place...
Never in my life have I not been without a plan.
Never have I ever lived day by day. 
Sometimes this depression and fear leads me to wish for a car accident or something where I die. 
I know how melodramatic and pathetic that is but I can't see a purpose right now and maybe it would be justice for all the shitty things I've done to people and for my lack of direction at present. 
It's me feeling sorry for myself, I know, but I know I'm not alone in feeling this way. 
If you ever pray, could you throw one in for me? 
It's agony feeling this way, this apathy or emptiness. 
Feeling sorry for myself, I apologize. 
Just lonely and lost. 
For once I don't know where to go for the answers. 


  1. Sweet Eve, I feel we never know ALL of the answers. I, too, am living day by day. And even some days, I don't know the answers to my daily struggles. It's okay to feel sorry for yourself, we all do. Depression is something we all struggle with, in one form or another. I pray that you find comfort in your life and please know that if something tragic were to happen to you, it would greatly affect everyone.

  2. People are NOT replaceable. I've learned that the hard way (well, not really the hard way, but a harder way than i needed to). People are unique, and there's a reason you two are together. Your presence does matter.
    Your depression is making you irrational. Don't let it tell you you're worth less than you are.

  3. That's so beautiful that you recognize it. You understand what you're feeling and put a definition to it all.
    Just think, a year or so ago, how differently you would react to all this. At times, how lost you truly were.
    Don't push away the things you love or doubt the ones that love you. They'll help you to where you're suppose to be :]
    Keep at it dear, blindly, it can't all come together if you don't. I promise you're going the right way<3
    Love ya xx

  4. I don't have many words right now but I'm sorry you're feeling so lost and alone. I don't pray but I'm keeping you in my thoughts, always.
    And thank you for your support and advice sweetie. You're worth your weight in gold *HUGS*
    You know where I am if you need to chat <3


  5. Page 417. Why do I know that you might ask. My mother, in and out of AA since I was young, always had a big book around, and being the inquisitive kid I've always been read that thing a few times. And I didn't actually just "know" the page, it's the page they always look to on acceptance. My mom would tell me to read it, it was kind of an inside joke between her and I.

    I know some really odd shit. Really really odd shit.