...

I'm always sorry that moment you get home
Because today I spent curled up in a ball
Watching the sun drift down the wall
And the other yesterdays.
Today I thought I'd watch the sun come up
Change of pace
Since I kept company with the moon
Dry quiet leaving my skin cold.
I haven't thought a unique thought in days,
The pauses leaving me bewildered,
Had I even been thinking at all?
Two days ago I cried into your pillow
Because the weight was too much
But my friend called me because she had a feeling she needed to call.
I haven't slept at the right time of the day in at least two weeks
I haven't worked out consistently in a little more than three.
I was sorry when you came home today because I've been so depressed that I've laid looking at the wall,
Filling space
And you ask me what's wrong so concerned but nothing is
It just hurts.
I want to run and run but can't find my motivation.
I want to read and research but I can't stay focused.
I want to do more than sleep, shower, take care of the dog, and sit quietly.
I want to not feel the self inflicted pressure of getting a lot done or appearing as though I did before you get home.
I want to sleep at midnight and get up at nine thirty
Instead of five in the morning until one in the afternoon.
I want someone to listen, but I don't ever know what I would say.
Just the feeling of someone near to ease it when it's most difficult.
I want to tell you I'm sorry,
Because you love me unconditionally
And I'm still illogically afraid everyone will think that I, the future therapist,
Am unable to fight off my own depression, therefore crazy.