Fibers

It started with a Guiness. 

I was never good at ordering for myself at bars, didn't ever really have any favorite beers.
So he picked for me.
He said that he'd never driven after drinking before, not even after one.
Or that he'd never just told someone he'd just met about his father dying.
That was when it was still warm outside
And the approaching fall made exploding colors of leaves and hearts.
"You're the kind of girl a guy leaves a door unlocked for."
That door was unlocked and his bed open for several weeks before I let myself loose.
Still stays unlocked and open
Even now.

        It started with some Blue Moon and Redd's
Homework spread on the bed and desk
looking at his broad back and the line of his tricep.
Lowering myself to his lap, where we still find me every day
Feeling his lips for the first time
The way I have his skin, his eyes, the way he talks and moves
accidentally
Memorized.
        And ends January 3rd.



"But not everything in the past is bad."
Coat zipped to my nose, white fog from my breath rolling over the edge.
"It was really good. 99% of it was great but the past is the past and I don't go back."
Last try.
"I would do anything it took to make it work..."
"I know you would, but I just don't."
"I understand."
The street lights of 3 am rolling by ice frosted windows.
The heart I drew still on the windshield corner.
I hope it stays there.
I hope he forgets to wash his blanket with the gold and red strands on his pillows,
Pieces of me
Folded into the creases of his comforter
When she comes into his room.
I hope the smell of my Japanese cherry blossom perfume still lingers when he turns over to sleep at night.
And maybe the bottles from that night he saved will still line his shelf

Until the end of the year.

Maybe he'll think of me.

Sometimes he would tell me about when he was on Warped Tour
And play some of the songs from his band.
Hearing the double base
Smiling as he air played his drums
Knowing I had sat on those legs
And his fingers had lingered, explored, held me.
Nights we had laid naked on his bed
And he played his guitar
Pulling the blanket up the my chin
Watching it snow.
Now I skip them on my shuffle
Because it hurts too much.

I don't know if I love him.
It's more like he's one of the fibers that I'm made of.
Please don't make this the end....
Bitter, flamed, heated anger at myself
If you could open up this cool exterior
You would find me
Writhing and twisting
Crying and disintegrating
Hopeless and hopeful
And empty
Too full
Too feeling.
Needing him but knowing I'm able to move on
Stop.
I hate that you won't let me make it right
Hate that I made it wrong.
Make it cold, seal it up, make me indifferent and accepting.
Make me feel like you.

He wants the world
Something I want too.
He'll do what it takes
And succeed.
Success is seductive to me.
His drive and attitude contagious.
What could have beens
I'm holding on to like certainties.
No one will ever contain him
He lives for himself
And shares with those he cares about.
Wants to see the world.
Will be rich enough to do all the things he plans.
Intriguing, painting a picture of a life of adventure I want.
He'll never be tamed but somehow he quiets and ignites.
I'll never find someone that does what he does to and for me again.
Never duplicating.
Maybe that's the beauty of these experiences.

Move on
Move on.
Starting graduate school in January.
Nervous about the loneliness of moving to a new place
And making new friends.
Planning on making my training more intense and focused since we won't be working out together
Trying to be more strict with my eating
Driven with my studies
And still moving forward with my growth.
I'll make a life of adventure,
I swear.

I hope
I hope
I hope that we'll collide now and then
Because it's a rare occasion when you meet one of the people that
You're made of
And they
You.
I hope.
Because until then
That siren in my heart
Will keep singing your song
Of fibers
And physicality
The one
You taught me.