Back Again

I'm racing him west,
Only he's somewhere up in the inky night sky
And I'm chasing tail lights listening to
As I Lay Dying, August Burns Red, and All Shall Perish.
Songs for the violent emotion rolling around your chest.
I didn't know what to do to quiet the aching raw Distraught.
It was warm, alarming,
Curling and turning
Tricks for a silent audience of ribs.
So I did what I knew
And brought my homework to his room.
He said he still cared about me, we just were better before we tried to make a relationship.

Opening that door was like taking a pure hit.
Inhale.
Hold.
Relaxed by some mysterious comfort people we feel attached to bring.
Nothing had changed.

I don't trust his hands.
not in ability,
But in composition.
Yet I find myself utterly softened, anesthetized 
Like only he can do,
Taming frantic heart chasing emotions.
Play at my strings
I'll gather them for you to pull even.
Pluck
Pluck
Thrum.

We went to our usual study spot
And hours later, when words on pages had blended together
He set his pen down amongst legal pads
Grasping keys.
"Come on."
I knew.
Flirty sarcasm was always how I knew
Something was still there.
We left the books to keep coffee mugs and well intentioned homework company. Drove his car around the block.
Back seats laid down
Crawling over to reacquaint lips.
Still smolders of need
Igniting flint paper skin.
I was just getting my fix.
Veins and thighs.
When we returned, hair a mess
Cheeks flushed as a red flare of where we had been,
He said, "Why do we make a better couple when we aren't dating?"
"I don't know. I just know that I'm always drawn to you."
Words of an addict spoken softly.

I need him.
I don't.
Need to breath him in,
Crawl from the inside out
Magnetic.
Seemingly dependent .
Get me out.
Let me back in.
He said I'm not very emotional, can't verbalize how I feel about him if we are officially dating.
Not quite worth the investment with the little I put out.
I'm trying.
Never had I hurried more to feel than in the last three months.

January, please stay away...

I took him to the airport
Kiss through the open car window
Wishing I could quit
Knowing I would want him
Relapse into those arms if after this semester he might find it in his heart
Or somewhere carnal
To let me.

Picking up my phone for a final good bye,
Because I would practice letting him go this weekend:
"I hope you have a safe trip."
"Taking off now. You're the best, thanks for everything. Miss you already :)"
"No problem. I do too."
"Haha, we text at the same time. True love."
"Pretty much :)"
"I do love you. I hope you never question that. Just wanted to say that in case this drunk pilot hits a mountain."
"I love you too and I definitely hope he doesn't. Text me when you get in just in case lol."
Craved it.
Craved that ridiculous little phrase
Despite our short time together.

Wait January...
You can't rob me.
Because he won't chance a far.
And I already bought my plane tickets that cut our time over break in half. 
The ache again.
Brash decisions made when I thought we were done.
Non refundable tickets and time.
I hate this.
While he's right next to me.
While I still melt into him
And my touch gives him goosebumps.
Desperate pleas from a place I hadn't used, somewhere inside.
I hate moving on.