Here I Am

"Eve's ability to critically think and hunger to know more about her social world was what encouraged me to talk to her about graduate school. She was always a good student, but the thing that stuck out to me is her inquisitive nature into understanding more than we can provide at an undergraduate level. She has a unique perspective on the world and with time she will develop confidence in her abilities and knowledge, which will make her very successful. Without a doubt, she would be an excellent choice for your school and I highly recommend her."

What is it about people that can take over the world that attracts me so?
That look of desire in their eyes.
Air of confidence.
Capability in each fingertip.
FIbers of humanity showing through.
Mechanical titans.
I watch them, wishing it was me, but it's not.
No five year plan.
No dominating determination.
No, I stopped being that kind of hungry when I decided I'd had enough of anorexia.

We lay there in the dark as we had several weekends in a row, just talking.
"It's like, I don't know. I can't explain it. I just know that other girls with eating disorders feel the same."
"Like what?"
"Like, like if you could, you would unzip your skin and walk out. You would walk out being the person you always thought you should be."
"Hm. And what would you look like?"
I paused. I had never been asked that question and suddenly I was lost for words.
"I guess I don't know."
"You should look like you."


I can tell you secrets only the sheets know.
Pieces of tomorrows shining on strands of my hair lost on his pillows.
Sunlight peaks through the curtain and I move it over slightly, looking at the leaves trying to hold onto their summer green.
Would I always be this rolling stone?
Heart that could never settle, never be scooped up into someone else's?
Always colliding, never fusing.
We often times think of the cheater as a monster.
Second to murder.
Selfish and sly.

Maybe I'm a sociopath
I thought that as I sliced the chicken, knife sliding ever so close to my fingers.
I need someone like Tony.
Someone to treat me like shit so I don't treat other people like it.
Consume, consume, consume.
Painfully aware of the strings that have come loose.
Skin that was sealed shut.
Writhing ugliness under the surface.
Pressuring the hinges.
Maybe that's what I'm learning from this.
I am selfish.
I consume your heart so that you won't consume mine.


In reality, the cheater is very often the 22 year old girl coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship, looking for herself.
It's the notion of being bound to another for life that scares me.
Growing up the has me shying away.
But I won't last forever.
I do love others.
Hurt for them.
And I have places and spaces and things I need to be.
I'll sort something out this weekend.


I closed the copy of my letter of recommendation one of my professor's had sent me.
Here I was, at the place I assumed I would be.
Here I was with hope and promise and bareness of self.


"Let's start at the top."
His hair fell on my forehead as he looked down at me, smiling.
"I like you eyes. They're beautiful and they're almond shaped, which isn't common for your facial structure. I like the shape of your face in general, with the angular features and high cheek bones."
"Funny, I had never thought I lived up to my Czech roots."
"You do."
 Then there's your neck. Long, thin, kissable. That leads down to your clavicle which shows and that sort of cereal bowl thing you have going on which goes into slightly boney shoulders, which I think all looks sexy."
He kissed my forehead and I automatically felt my hand go to my collar bone and deep hallow it made between my bone and trapezius muscle, the long prized measuring sticks of my ED days.
"Your chest is perfect. I don't know why you're self conscious about it, and your stomach is flat."
He held up my arm and closed his hand around my wrist.
"You have these little wrists that suggest you're fragile, which I also like, but I know you're not; you're strong."
Swallowed, cleared my throat a little.
More measuring.
You've got a back that's hard and muscled when I feel it and your legs are long and sexy and muscled. There's no give."
"Sigh... then there's my butt..."
"Shh. I was saving the best for last. It has a perfect shape, perfect everything. Most taller girls lose the shape with the length of their legs."
"I could still use a few more squats."
"You're beautiful."

Here I am.
<click "Submit Graduate Program Application>
I'm ready.