Done

I broke up with him.
Finally.
Sunday or Monday he asked if I had doubts. I said yes.
It was a huge struggle to put mg thoughts out in the open though.

Tuesday I went to dinner with my dad and stepmom and step siblings and my stepmom told me that by prolonging it I wasn't showing him love.
I told her I had wanted to but thought maybe after our vacation since I had paid for it.
She told me that was rude and selfish.
(He has been asking me to still go even now.)
I asked her to pray for me then. Pray I find the strength.

I'll tell ya, when God gives you strength he lays it on you.
I went home and broke it off, packed a bag, and went to my mom's.

For two hours or so we talked and argued and it's crazy because I can barely remember what was said. I just know that I knew what I needed to do and all of a sudden it was unbearably suffocating to be with him.
His negative attitude is something that leaks and pours into the atmosphere around him.
He's a very unhappy and searching person.

It wasn't easy at all for me to do this and he called me and the texted me until 3 am.
The calls alone were 30 to 45 minutes long and it was the same thing over and over and over.
I slept two hours and woke up at five am and started crying.
I told God that it wasn't much, but I was making an attempt to commit to Him.
My friend L came over that night since my mom is on vacation.
It was such a rough night.
He called and begged and pleaded and got angry and L just rubbed my back or hugged me as I cried.
I cried and cried some more.
I curled into a ball and felt my eyes grow heavier from tears and exhaustion.

I went to work on two hours of sleep (I think L got less) and then cried on break.
They said at 1 I could go home since all the ladies asking me about it brought me even more tears.
I cried after work, sobbing even.
At 4, I went with my stepmom to get some things.
He cried and begged and pleaded. In the end I had to go.
I had no emotions for him, none that made me want to stay.
Just love and that I was sorry.

He called and talked for 45 minutes and I put it on speaker because I was tired of holding my damn phone.
My stepsister thinks he's a cry baby and an asshole all at once.
My stepmom is floored by his manipulations.
I became numb to them. Four and a half years is a while to bury it and turn away from reality.
He called two hours later to say that if I didn't get my stuff he was throwing it out on the street.
I came, more talking and crying and pleading.
I took a few bags and left.

From there I went to L's house and sat on the kitchen floor sobbing.
It breaks my heart that it has to be done but it's not right and I don't feel the same about him.
We are unhealthy together.
Tony called me again and was freaking out and it stressed me out more.
I ended up laying my head on his leg and bawling.
There was probably a good ten straight minutes or more of tears and nothing else.
The hole from uprooting this is big. It's deep and it aches.
There's a quote by C.S. Lewis that says, "There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind."
It has been my mantra, just running over and over.
That and praying.
God promised he would help so I'm clinging to that promise.
My faith is what's going to be my anchor.
I don't remember what I asked, maybe I said I was sorry I looked like this, all pathetic and sad.
L said, "I feel lucky to see you this way. I get to see every aspect of you, not just the happy side or the side you show people. And when I look at you all I can think is God, she's so beautiful."
He was so sincere in that moment.
I guess that's how I just knew this was the right choice.

Yesterday I got all my things out and he freaked out and threw our picture at a mirror and broke both the mirror and frame.
Crying.
Begging.
Saying I did it out of the blue and didn't give him a chance to change.
My heart has cracked over and over and I just keep praying and riding out the wave.
I said that I doubted things would change because we gall into old patterns.
I even admitted that I'm not in love with him, only love him.
He said goodbye forever and then was begging me to stay. 
I said no.

He wouldn't even let me say goodbye to my dog.
He gave her to me! She's mine!
More crying.
I offered to pay for her and the cost was one chance.
I said no.
I'm so distraught about this.
Now he's letting me see her at four and I'm just so exhausted with this.
I don't want to see him. I want a nap and to disappear because that's easier than facing him.
I don't want to fucking try.
My intentions aren't cruel! We just don't work! I'm sorry for my wrong doings and I'm sorry he hurts!
I know it hurts to have your heart snapped and I'm not even stepping on it or spitting on it.
I care for him a lot.
It's just... over...
Please...

So this is where I'm at.
If you do any praying, please put one in for me.