Monday, April 6, 2015

Sunshine

"When I was little I said I would move to Florida because of the clouds."
Accolades of smoke begging the nicotine encore.
She slowly raises the can of tea to her lips,
Arizona green tea.
Sleepy selfie

Nothing feels like home anymore,
Save for the warmth of her skin on my resting head in her lap
And her thin fingers combing my hair softly.
I don't know if either of us know where we're headed,
And life feels unmanageable sometimes,
But the cold drink and Florida sun filtering through the leaves of the patio provide some respite from the still winter.

Am I alive?
We somehow get the front seat of the scariest roller coaster at Busch Gardens,
Feet swinging,
Excited giggles,
And me violently tugging my seat harness up just to make sure I'm not going to fall out.
"What if I fall out?"
"You won't fall out."
"But seriously, what if?"
More violent tugging,
Both of us laughing.
I never really know what I would do if it were to come up anyway,
But it's a ritual I do on every one every time.
Adventure Land,  Universal Studios <3 Spiderman


Sunburned shoulders, over friendly couples, and fluffy fresh pretzels.
We don't talk all the time,
But it's comforting to just exist beside someone you know loves you back.
My eyes water and I scream the whole 90° drop,
Heart rattling around in its cage,
Still seems like I am,
Alive.
Miami sunset

Turquoise, almost aquamarine she said was the color of my aura,
Warm and inviting,
A magnet for negative energy.
All I wanted to do was cry big,  wet tears on her soft shoulder
Because people are never as nice as you hope,
The negative ever oppressive.
Tree agate for releasing old childhood trauma,
Jade for learning to accept your true self,
Nummite to protect against negative forces and increase intuition,
Selenite for protection,
Rhodonite for finding the heart of the problem in relationships
Chrysophase for forgiveness, compassion, and releasing emotions locked in since childhood
And smoky quartz for alleviating depression, stress, and filling the space with positive vibrations.
Baby alligators that we fed! 


I don't know if they'll work the way that I desperately want them to,
Rolling certain ones in the palm of my hand with anxious fingers,
Wishing they could suck the negative into some far away place.


Ft. Meyers beach

"I don't think I could make this home. "
I always wonder to myself if I could in every place that I visit.
Feeling the atmosphere of the people and the places.
The beautiful trees that sway in the wind
The feel of the sun
And the air on my skin.
Could I be at peace if I had to live here?
Always looking for somewhere to call home.
Before the show in Miami


It's amazing how far away we can be from one another when we're right to next to each other
Yet how close we can be half the country away.
There wasn't time to cry, though I could feel the waver in my voice and the last minute longing of never leaving as we hugged at the airport drop off.

Aww
We met on blogger back in 2012 by the way.
Yay Internet! 

Miami.
Orlando.
Tampa.
Ft. Meyers.
Collecting pieces of places
Then leaving as though I was never there.
I'm constantly perplexed by the way we carve out lives for ourselves.
How we fill them
The people we place there
Things
And memories.

The uncertainty never fully eases into soreness
How could it?
Life is always changing
And we're only interconnected pieces
Collecting sand and sun and good intentions.
We visit lives others have and try them out.
We see if there's parts we could add to our own or maybe not.
We love and we hurt and we briefly visit well meaning aspirations
Or live in abandoned hopes,
Thinking that they'll come back.
And we live.

Missed my puppy over break 
I find that many days I don't know what I'll do.
I don't even know if I'm always certain of who I am but I know that I must move forward.
Keep the job that helps the resume and is tolerable.
Finish the homework that will help me get the degree and "good" job.
Fill my time with good thoughts,
Confront fears,
And try to do some poor coping behaviors less.
When that's all done I go to sleep at night like the rest of the world
Counting sheep and shoulds
Then try again the next day.

We can only try.
Or rather,  we can only more than try because trying gets a bland existence of work, school, routine, and adhedonia.

There are very good things in the world, people too,
Even though there's plenty of bad.

It will always be okay.


3 comments:

  1. The good and the bad are what make up life, otherwise it would just be emptiness. I'm never sure if I'm really alive or not, at least now the way I used to be, the way I used to feel. Maybe I remember it wrong, but I doubt it.

    /Avy

    http://mymotherfuckedmickjagger.blogspot.com


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  2. This is beautiful, as always. You really do have such a way with words. This post takes me back to hot summers spent with my old best friend and I can relate to nearly everything you express here. Y'all are gorgeous and your puppy melts my heart! I hope you're taking care of yourself.
    <3 Lee

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