Monday, March 2, 2015

Weary



The feeling of our skin melting into one another has passed
To warm stone pressed firmly together.
Suddenly painfully aware that I've lost the ability to embody sexy,
Shifted into grey
Nervous
Slate.
His body is so warm and I curl into it to keep out the cold,
To discourage that relentless winter.
Despite our struggles.
But there are human needs
And mine has become one of being ever disappearing
Into the crook of his shoulder where I might hide in comforting solitude.

I just want things to be like they were...
Instead of like looking at the world from behind silent plate glass...

Paper anviled eyes
The fluttering of anxious heart beats
Deep breath.
You're fine.

"It is well..."

It's okay to feel this way.

"With my soul..."

Circular
Reasoning

I looked at photos of girls who were prettier than me
And made to-do lists on yellow memo paper.
A textbook on assessment opened and shut.
Pace to the kitchen, trash still not taken out.
Dog panting from treading the weary back and forth with me.

"It is well (it is well) 
With my soul (with my soul.)"

"I have to get out of here."
The thought is accompanied by quick beats of my heart.
Teeth gritted
Hands tighten and twist on the barbell.
"You're fine.  You're safe."
I can feel the slight biting pull of the the textured metal on my fresh callous layer.
"It's only a mild anxiety attack."
But I don't get them...

In.
Out.

In.
Out.

Squeeze.

You can tell yourself a lot of lies before it really starts to matter.

"Please just hold me..."

I wish I could just hide in the crook of his body forever.
In an eternal bed time
Where I wasn't desperately searching home depression remedies
And wondering how I could look better,
be smarter, sleep longer.
I wish I didnt feel this way...

It's not well
With my soul...

13 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I'm always here to talk. Xx

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  2. Who do you wish to look better for? Who needs you to be smarter? You are who and what you are and it's perfectly perfect. I'm guilty of putting ridiculous expectations on myself ask I'm speaking from experience, not just speaking.

    Nobody will accept us until we accept ourselves in all our imperfectly perfect human nature. We're more than we give ourselves credit for. How do we even measure smart or pretty? By the standards of some other insecure human being? You're more than enough of both and until you believe it nobody else will either. Except for me, of course, I see through the bullshit.

    You're exactly where you should be, Eve...just one forward step at a time. Good seeing you writing.

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  3. Hey, first I want to say thank you for your last comment on my blog. I do admit that my butt is one of the things I love about myself, too! It doesn't hurt that it's also something my boyfriend adores. So far, I'm really loving the fitness thing. Some days are harder than others, of course. Like when I have to eat 1,000 more calories to fulfill my diet requirements, but overall it's working and the voices in my head are getting quieter every day.
    It's funny that you mention that hymn. Back when I went to church, we did a play about the back story of that hymn and what the guy who wrote it went through. It was fascinating and from then on, I've always loved to hear it.
    I'm so sorry to read about your anxiety attack. Those are honestly terrible and I know how hard they can be to get through. Your writing is as beautiful as always, and that just makes it sadder.
    I hope you believe that it will get better, and I hope you are taking care of yourself.
    <3 Lee

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  4. I agree with Ryan, but it's always easier said than done. I try to feel good for myself, but I often just end up feeling lonely. Life will never be perfect.

    / Avy
    http://MyMotherFuckedMickJagger.blogspot.com




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  5. I know when one is in a depression, it is hard to believe it when others say good things, but I just want you to know that you are beautiful, more than beautiful, inside and out. You are one of the most beautiful souls I have ever come across, and your kindness, sincerity, positivity, encouragement, loveliness and beauty towards me will never be forgotten, and is so very much appreciated. Please stay strong my lovely dear. I am here for you if you want anything. Love you oodles and bunches forever and ever xxxxx

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    Replies
    1. You've brought a smile to my heart my dear. I needed that so much I love you.

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    2. Keep smiling in your heart beautiful lady. I'm smiling for you, and smiling with you, always and forever. Here for you. Love you :) xxxx

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  6. Eternal bedtime. ... yes.. I know what that's like. Just to want to be warm and cuddled away from the harsh glare of life.
    I'm starting to get over it. I'm trying to make a new hidey hole that doesn't involve another person.

    Hope you don't mind my intersecting. ..this is just something that rings bells with me

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I meant "interjecting"!

      Why does everything I write have a typo dammit

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    2. You are welcome to comment any time! I'm very grateful for the input. I agree that I want a hole that's not another person as well.

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  7. Replies
    1. I'm okay. Not good not bad. It's just like at the moment. Thank you for asking. :) how are you?

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