Monday, December 22, 2014

...

"He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom." -Gandalf



I reach for the plumb colored towel from the toilet seat and dry myself off. 
Out of habit I rub at my eyes to make sure the make up has come off. 
But I haven't been wearing any lately. 
Midnight. 
He's at the gym.
"You're working out so late." 
Glad he can't hear me for the text as my voice would give away the worry. 
Eye cream. Face cream. Lotion the rest of me. Bed time clothes on. 
It's not hard to open the over-the-counter sleep aid, and I transfer one of the aquamarine gel capsules from my palm to my mouth. 
Help me. 
I think that over and over throughout the day. 

He broke up with me just a week ago but you wouldn't know if by the way he continued to speak to me, 
Abrupt reminders of "but we're not together" and "I love you so much but..." 
Mutual agreement to wait until we see each other but the hesitant words of thinking it might be the end.
Dull waves of pain day in and day out. 

He that breaks a thing....

I love him, and tried to love him, searching for security.
"I'll move into the guest room.."
"I would need to move out." 
"It's your choice." 

Please....

"I'm not looking for anyone." 
Out until 6 partying with his brother. 
"Wingman" is what he's being. 
"I'm not sleeping with anyone." 
Out late at the gym. 

Then aided sleep takes me, the bottle getting low. 
A promise to quit smoking tomorrow.
Frantic emotions exhaled with every puff of smoke.
The alarm rings at 10, the body rises at noon or 1. 

Help me, please....

She told me that it's a beautiful kind of pain, but it's only beautiful when the pain isn't yours.
Clinging to my phone, 
Battery dying twice a day.
Clinging to the comfort of friends and family. 
But what about when I have to go back....

To find out what it is....

What have I learned? 
Who am I? 
You don't need the affirmation of another to have worth.
You're strong, competent, capable, beautiful, intelligent... 
The positive self-talk mantras given half heartedly.

When will this sleeping pill kick in? 

You knew he cheated on you this summer. 
You found out things this fall. 
This is for the best. 
He hurts you.
What's the real price of security? 

Has left the path of wisdom....

The pre-workout falls into the glass like an avalanche and clumps, a pink bubble on top.
Swirl, swirl, swirl
I lift. 
I sleep. 
I eat now and then. 
But I never cry,
And I aways sleep...

My family thinks I should move home where I can live for free and they'll feel better about by commute to school.
My few friends in my home town think I need to move back for the support and the people that really care.
And I'm staring out the fogged up window of passing plans we made....
Those things that he made me believe in though he didn't. 
You can do this. You can do this. You can do this. 
Where do I go from here?
I would ask the question if I thought someone could give me the answer. 
Thinking, thinking, thinking. 
Has he slept with someone?
What girl is he trying to reconnect with?
What lie is he making for me?
What thing is he going to say is my fault?

Distract. Refocus. Name the emotions. Self-validation. Re-distract.

Ache. Sleep. Ache. Work out. Ache. 

Normally I would talk and talk but I find myself only able to talk to one or two friends about it.
But now I find myself unable to speak.
The pain something new.
It wasn't my first heart break, but when everything is a lie and there were life plans being made I can't help but feeling that I have come to an jarringly abrupt half...
Lost.

Motivational quotes. Kind advice and friends checking up on me. 
Tired eyes. 
Soft, half smile. 
A nod. 
Three more cigarettes.
One sleep aid. 

You broke me. 
You knew the things I carried with me, fighting to shed, and you took some then added your own.
You lied to me...
You betrayed me...
Drove me crazy and made me believe it was all my fault.

You'll be okay, I say.
I left the path of wisdom and have to begin the trek to get back on.

The lid wasn't hard to open, time to sleep again. 

8 comments:

  1. i love you my ENFP. you're on the verge... stay focused! (i say all the same shit to you, you already know) the only reason i say it is a beautiful kind of pain is because why else would we endure it? what have you learned? i think you need to ask yourself these questions and do what YOU feel is what you need to do. all the advice and guidance everyone gives you can only aid you so much, deep down you are the one who has to make the choice. i can only hope that the fog will dissipate and you can seek those answers with a clearer mind. you know i'm here xxx

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  2. I have no advice, for if I were to give any it would imply that I know what I'm talking about. However, when it comes to relationships, I don't know shit. I find that writing things down for my own eyes to see is just as therapeutic as talking to someone. At least it can be. It's harder to lie to oneself when it's there in front of your face in black and white.

    We're all broken. Every last one of us on this planet. Nobody escapes that shit, Eve. You're a human being like everyone else, so why hold yourself to standards you can't meet? You're allowed to hurt. You're allowed to be angry. You're allowed to be emotional. Then, that's a choice to make. Acknowledge your feelings and move on or acknowledge them and stay stuck. We've always got those choices. Our reprieve lies in our self awareness.

    And remember, even if you choose to stay stuck for a while, that's ok too. When you've had enough of it, you'll move on and it's all perfectly ok.

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  3. I just want to reach through the screen and give you the biggest hug. I'm sorry you're in so much pain. You deserve all the happiness and good things that life can give you, and I just feel so sad for you that the world isn't giving them to you. You will get through this, you're a tough cookie, but I know that doesn't help with the pain at all right now.

    I hope your holidays are going okay. I miss you. Don't forget how much I love you.

    <3
    xxxx

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  4. You need a break. Take that travel we talked about. Go, have fun and enjoy the responsibility of doing what's best for you for yourself, not because someone tells you they care. Be open to people. One cool thing to do on board is to write a diary where you write about the people you meet, like smile at the grocery store and so on. Small and big things.

    Anywhere you could run right now?
    <3 <3

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  5. This is very beautifully written, Eve. It really is. I’m just so sorry that it comes from so much pain. You don’t have to have everything figured out right away. I don’t think anybody ever has all of this figured out. The best we can do is to take everything one tiny step at a time.

    I really like this passage from Melody Beattie, and I think of it whenever I am feeling overwhelmed:

    Sometimes the way is foggy and slippery, and we have no hope. All we can feel is fear. All we can see is the dark. I was driving one night in weather like this. I don't like driving, and I particularly don't like driving in bad weather. I was stiff and frightened at the wheel. I could barely see; the headlights were only illuminating a few feet of the road. I was almost blind. I started to panic. Anything could happen! Then, a calming thought entered my mind. The path was only lit for a few feet, but each time I progressed those few feet, a new section was lit. It didn't matter that I couldn't see far ahead. If I relaxed, I could see as far as I needed for the moment. The situation wasn't ideal, but I could get through it if I stayed calm and worked with what was available. You can get through dark situations, too. You can take care of yourself and trust yourself. Go as far as you can see, and by the time you get there, you'll be able to see farther.

    I know it's very difficult, but just try to take everything one little step at a time. And your next step might be to just breathe. Take it. Breathe.

    You are an incredible person. You truly are. You will get through this and everything will be okay. Lots of love to you. <3

    ~Nicole

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  6. I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope your New Year was a bit better :/
    <3 Lee

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  7. I've always been broken too but I try to live on because what else is there? As long as there is life there is hope and I get by on the fumes of wanting a better tomorrow. So far it works, with a little help from the occasional drink. Happy New Year darling.

    / Avy
    http://MyMotherFuckedMickJagger.blogspot.com



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